Aibu about dying father

[Carrottopppp]

I found out on Thursday that dad was in hospital and they found a huge mass on his lungs and sent him for testing, anyway yesterday we got told that unfortunately it's untreatable as he's unknowingly had it for years and it's wrapped itself around vessels and is pushing on his airway and that he only has weeks left 😞 he now has to stay in hospital on end of life care and I've been banned from seeing him 😭 by his sister and my twin brother.

All family members were informed about dad's condition on Thursday and one of those was one of his other sisters and it was me that let her know, now for context I did know they hadn't spoken in years but I thought it was because they just drifted apart like I have with a few of my siblings, nobody in all these years thought to inform me that they actually fell out and dad completely despises her, anyway I was getting ready to leave for the hospital on Thursday and I got a message from my brother saying dad doesn't want to see you, which then turned in to my auntie abusing me over social media, then yesterday my sister spoke to dad and he said he'd like to see me so yet again I got ready was about to set off and I was banned again.

Turned out through a message from my brother that him and my auntie had told my dad that I was coming to visit him with the sister he despises 😒 I was absolutely livid as was my mum and a few more family members, how dare they think I would fetch her knowing what I know now about her and my dad and then the abuse started again from my auntie and brother and my aunties adult children, but the most heartbreaking thing was a text I got from my dad telling me not to contact him ever again. My dad's dying and they used him for their own gains they manipulated a dying man and now he won't hear otherwise from anybody else. I know I shouldn't have let his other sister know but I didn't know that at the time. Who's being unreasonable here.

I've tried twice to go and see him and both times just as I'm leaving I've been stopped

Leaving your home you have been “stopped”? By whom

Once was a message from them and the next time was a message directly from my dad.

As for the person implying there's a back story then with my dad and his own sisters yes there possibly is but I don't know anything personally as my dad's a private person who keeps things to himself, in respect of me and my auntie we haven't spoken in years as she has a lifestyle I don't generally agree with so I kept my distance and before this I was super close to my brother he's my twin and we were thick as thieves growing up and in to adulthood, he still lives at home with our mum and was always keeping in touch or he'd pop in from time to time, he became close to my husband and they were constantly having a natter about cars, DIY etc. I don't understand the sudden coldness and distance from him. My sister says aunties in his ear all the time and he's stupidly listening to her.

Your father has explicitly told you not to visit him.

The end. You do nothing but send him your love. That’s it.

@Fruitlipsi don’t understand why you are being so harsh? Whether she made a mistake, did or didn’t have a close relationship with her dad the man is dying and she is trying.
Unless I am missing something?

Sorry you're going through this. I don't think itS your fault or anything you've done at all.
I would never cut off my own daughter at the end of my life, it's unimaginable.

My dad's a stubborn fool and always has been, he's how can I put this, a little bit like that old lady from the TV series benidorm Madge I think she's called, he can be very harsh and overly critical and he can cut people out of his life for very small things, he's done it with all of us, you can ask him to an event for example and ask him to be there for 10:30 but because he can't be there for 10:00 you get the response of "well f* the lot of you" goes off in a huff blocks everyone then comes crawling back 6 months later like nothing happened. He's pushed every single person away then acted surprised when the relationship is never the same again. He was babied all through life by his mother and then he married my mum who did everything for him then when they separated all us kids did everything for him, making appointments, food shopping, making meals as he can't cook, sorting out his pension with the DWP the list goes on, he's never fully grown up and he's bloody 69 and has not a single life skill yet continues to treat all those who love him like crap and expect us to put up with it.

I had similar issues with my estranged family when my parent was dying. And at the funeral when there was a guest list and people were banned. Unbelievable.

I would go. I would say to anyone that tried to stop me that
” I need to hear it from dads own lips that he doesn’t want to see me again. If it’s true I will respect that”.

You're a blood relative. You also have to live with whatever happens. What you don’t want is regrets.

Id pick a time that it’s unlikely the others will be there. So I could see him alone. Prepare to say your piece quickly or give it to him by way of a letter if he does want you to leave. Remember that if it’s a letter others will read it so be factual and respectful so nobody can say anything against you.

Id tell him “I still love you dad and im sorry youre not well. If you ever do want to see me just text me. My problem is that if it’s a nasty text like the last one Im not sure if it’s really you texting or if one of them has grabbed your phone. Im not interested in squabbling. I’d just have liked to spend time with you” .

Sorry youre going through this. Your family sound like the twisted bunch mine are. One wonders WTF goes through their tiny selfish greedy minds.

"Not sure if your getting messages but I'm so sorry your going through this and I did really want to come and see you but I'll respect your wishes and leave you alone, I am really sorry I let her know I massively regret the mistake I made but I'm always here if you ever do decide you want to see me or need me. I love you and I'm truly blessed and grateful for all the years we had and the memories we made."

That's the text I sent to him yesterday and the response I got was "it's still a no (to visiting him) don't contact me again about this family matter".

I really don't think there's much else I can do as heartbreaking as it is I just have to accept I'll never get to see him before he passes.

@Carrottoppppmaybe after your post about how fickle he is give him some time to think about it? Then hopefully others will advocate for you and get through to him.

@stomachamelon I am giving him the time, I've left it alone now and it's in the hands of family members, I spoke to my husband about it and we suspect I'll likely hear from him soon with him wanting to finally see me. I hope he does but for now I'll just wait.

@Carrottoppppthinking of you. I can’t imagine how tough it is.

Can't your brother sort this out for you with your dad? Seems stupid these people coming between you. Surely brother can just have a word and explain what happened. Forget those other idiots.

Yep. I couldn't really be bothered responding to this assertion but yes. She has not been stopped. She has not turned up at the hospital.

She said she has no idea if her father has dementia or is being manipulated.

Yet she refuses to go simply, quietly, without any fuss or attempted drama to the hospital. Nobody is stopping her but herself.

OP wants us to say her family are all being unfair, she's in the right, and help her fight them. If she cares about her father she will simply do as I suggested, turn up, politely try to get in. If turned away, walk away without any drama at all. Refuse to argue with any of them and prioritise just politely trying to see a dying man.

Wouldn't be surprised if she tries to argue with this reply too.

Keep away from your father op. For 2 reasons.

1. the way you describe him, he sounds like a deeply and profoundly unpleasant individual that I wouldn’t want to be within a 5 mile radius of
2. he has EXPLICITLY told you NOT to visit him

I'm sorry this is happening but you sound like a family who tend to turn crises into dramas and this is definitely one of those times. You've apologised to your father who still doesn't want to see you - his choice as he's the one who's dying. We always make deathbed scenes about how the family feels but he's the one who really matters here - do you want to keep upsetting him by fighting? Accept his decision (he might change his mind) and leave him in peace. Hunker down with DH and children and ignore the stirrers.

She has since said she’s staying away

I’d still want to hear it from his own lips. You don’t know who is sending these messages. It may not be him.

@Whatsallthisthen2025 if you would have read all my posts you would see that myself and family suspected dementia but dad refused to see a GP but we later found out his confusion and repetitiveness is because his cancer has spread to his lymph nodes and it's a symptom of the cancer.

And again read the posts, I'm not refusing to go at all, dad has explicitly told me not to go, by going I risk making the situation worse and putting my safety at risk as auntie is unhinged and will likely turn violent. I have no desire to put myself in harms way or to go against dying dad's wishes, the situation is stressful enough without my unwelcome presence adding to it.

I know it's my dad doing the texting as I know how he texts and he told my sister yesterday that it was him that sent the texts. Brother won't do anything as auntie has recruited him into her sick games and he's turned nasty bragging he knows important information and he has no plans on telling me the info, and that he's dad's next of kin for medical purposes, funeral etc and that he's making sure I stay out of all of it. I've not heard anything from anyone since Friday night and tbh id rather it stays that way, as hard as it is I'm leaving the situation behind me and going back to my normal life of juggling work, uni, marriage and my children. I love my dad and it's heartbreaking he's going through this but ultimately I need to protect my peace and my own mental well-being.