For expecting/hoping DH to see the doctor about loss of libido?

[sadeyess]

I've changed names for this.

I have a 3 month old baby. DH and I haven’t had sex since January. I’ve told DH how I feel and how it’s affecting me. It’s horrible, I feel like I’m climbing the walls. I’ve been told on another thread that many men don’t find their partners attractive when they’re pregnant and it was probably that. I do all the night stuff with the baby so it’s not like he’s sleep deprived although the baby now sleeps through for 8-9 hours at night anyway. Anyway I asked DH last week again (third time I’ve mentioned it since January) about it and he says he’s got no drive. I said he should see a doctor as I am struggling massively and he said he would. He’s done nothing yet and nothing has happened. Am I unreasonable for expecting him to have looked into something by this point? Bearing in mind how long it’s been? I feel like I’m involuntarily celibate in a marriage to someone who I adore and am very attracted to. If it makes any difference, I’d like to have sex every night/at least 5 times a week but DH has always been more of a once a week level. He just seems to have said he’ll do something to placate me.

Go online and order a home kit to measure his testosterone. He may have always had low levels. How old is he?

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. You’ve been honest about how you’re feeling and given him plenty of time, and it’s understandable to feel rejected and frustrated. Three months after a baby is still a big adjustment, but if he’s saying he has no drive and hasn’t followed through with getting help, that’s something he needs to take seriously. Low libido can come from stress, hormones, mental health, or just feeling disconnected after the huge life change of a baby. It isn’t about you not being attractive it’s something going on with him. You deserve intimacy and connection and it’s fair to expect some action on his part. Keep being clear about how important this is to you and encourage him to actually take that next step with the GP or a counsellor rather than just brushing it off.

@PixelatedLunchboxI don’t want to say his exact age but middle aged, over 45. I’m younger than him.

Thank you so much @VictoriaHelen, you’ve really validated my feelings which I needed; thank you ☺️

Hi @sadeyess sorry to hear this. I'm going through similar so can relate. DH had the snip 2.5 years ago and it's massively affected his libido. Lucky if we have sex three or four times a year. I've tried to talk to him, encouraged him to see his GP as things definitely changed, and I'm perimenopausal and my libido seems to be getting higher if anything, so would like sex once a week/fortnightly. He's 47 and used to have a high sex drive. I think it's a combination of age, drinking too much and work stress. I don't take it personally but do get frustrated (he knows I masterbate frequently).

Congratulations on the baby by the way! Hope your DH takes some action soon.

My husband was/is the same as yours OP. Wouldn’t come near me once I was visibly pregnant, and it was another year post birth before he showed any interest at all.

He still only a once every three months kind of man 😫😫

You’re so welcome 💛 It really does make a difference when someone just says “what you’re feeling is valid.” By the way, are you working at the moment or still full-time with the baby? I’m always fascinated by how people balance work and little ones sometimes it even sparks ideas for new projects or side income.

Sex drives wax and wane. Your need for sex is no more important than his lack of desire to have it. I think higher sex drive people often dismiss how disgusting it is to have sex when you don’t want to. Yes he should look into it - but if it’s just his low sex drive what then? Can’t you go without it?

(Unlike what someone put up there somewhere 👆 a vasectomy has absolutely no physical bearing whatsoever on libido)

Back to 45 yr old husband - there have been many changes in both your lives, and it's likely he's both emotionally and physically affected. ALSO (and very importantly) any man over 40 will be undergoing hormonal changes, chiefly a decrease in testosterone levels, which absolutely does have an effect on libido.
But yes, he should see the doc for advice, rule out anything else.

Depression, possible diabetes can have an effect also.

You’re completely mismatched sexually. Leaving aside the lack of sex since January / during pregnancy, you want to have sex 5 times a week and he wants to have sex just once a week. Even if you get past this dry patch you’re still going to feel frustrated a lot of the time. Have you thought about having an open marriage?

It was me who said my dh having a vasectomy has affected his libido. Not saying it's a physical thing (tho he says one of his balls has never felt the same...but refuses to seek any medical advice). I'm sure it's psychological, but again, he won't entertain seeing a counsellor or talking about how the vasectomy has made him feel. You can lead a horse to water...

(Unlike what someone put up there somewhere 👆 a vasectomy has absolutely no physical bearing whatsoever on libido)

No direct physical bearing but psychological issues are not unknown.

I think higher sex drive people often dismiss how disgusting it is to have sex when you don’t want to.

This. I’ve been in a place where I didn’t want to have sex - after having babies ironically. I definitely did the deed many times when I didn't want to because of the pressure.

It could well be a drop of testosterone after the baby, it’s pretty well known

Whats his wife having a baby got to do with his testosterone levels?

Been there, done that
Never again

Some men become like this. I’d love to save you years of heartache but women seem to need to learn for themselves. Just don’t run around mothering him, honestly they ain’t worth it.

For any woman reading this, I’d like you to know some men do this on purpose. Starts when you get pregnant, not just sex, basic affection is removed. It’s emotionally abusive and its purpose is to devalue.

Once they have you trapped it’s game over, as far as they see it. I was like you, wanted to help him. Whole time he’s just a disloyal pos.

Good luck 🤞

I think that on balance, there is a distinct lack of any physical affection. If I try and hug him it’s always when he’s in the middle of something or when he’s on the couch my head/hair is always in the way. There’s always a reason for my instigation of general affection to be inconvenient.

X Posted with @Huhuhuhu39272re general affection ironically. Dh isn’t cheating though. WFH and we do most other things together. He rarely goes on his phone, will go days without it.

@TheGreatWesternShrew@OriginalUsername2I completely agree that it’s not right to pressure someone into sex or do it when you don’t want to. I want him to want to. My upset is due to the fact he doesn’t want to rather than not actually doing it iyswim. Can I go without it? Well I have for 8 months. But I don’t want to for another 8 months. But I don’t want to ever leave DH. Agh.

Have you thought about doing a bit more around the house so your husband can get a bit more 'me time '?
Maybe run him a bath in the evening with a glass of wine?

@SocksTalkDH gets quite a bit of ‘me’ time. Has a hobby nearly every weekend and sometimes an evening midweek that he never misses that’s about 4-5 hours a time. Plus low expectations on my end for him to do housework, he does some but not a lot. Has, in context, lots of tv time whilst I’m doing practical stuff or engaging with DD. I’m not sure I could do much more. He's not had a disturbed night since DD has been born, I’ve done every feed/night changing etc, even though she’s on formula.

@sadeyess sex is a very important part of a relationship. Everyone has different sex drives and what’s going on in your life can massively affect desire. That being said it sounds like you’ve explained how you feel to your DH and he isn’t motivated to go and seek medical attention even though this is important to you. That’s what would piss me off and also it shows that he doesn’t care about your needs being met. Also big red flag that he seems to unwilling to show any physical intimacy. I presume if he’s not even open to a hug then there’s no non penetrative sexual activity either?

Is he particularly stressed or anything else going on other than the arrival of new baby?

Out of interest do you know if he still gets morning erections or masturbates. If yes then it points to a more psychological cause and he may benefit from psychosexual counselling - would be useful given his age to get blood work for diabetes, thyroid function and hormones checked too. As another pp says, it does sound like you’re very mismatched. I don’t know what else you can do other than bring it up again and explain how unhappy and unsatisfied it’s making you in the marriage but I think only you know if this is something you can live with long term - if he doesn’t make attempts to investigate and improve the situation, ultimately are you willing to walk away?