Struggling with Grief- can you grieve for someone you didn't like?

[2021x]

A family member by marriage died unexpectedly recently. I haven't seen this person for about 10 years and was never going to see them again.

I didn't really like them that much, and there was more than the normal amount of dysfunction in the family. I felt that that they caused unnecessary pain to their close family and this resulted in some quite severe mental health challenges for them. I am not angry at this person for that, as its none of my business, but acknowledge that their family members will be left in limbo.

But I find myself feeling on the edge of tears all of this week and I don't know why? I feel that the Charlie Kirk situation is similar, in that I didn't like the person, but I still think its wrong he is dead. Its very discombobulating.

AIBU to grieve over someone who I didn't like or care about?

I don’t think grief is necessarily linked to sadness, OP - we’ve just somehow made that the shorthand. Grief is about loss - whether that’s loss of potential (which is definitely one of the reasons there is a lot of grief over Charlie), or loss of something that never was but may have been (such as in the loss of an abusive parent). Grief is about there being a disruption to the daily, to habits, to the theories we have created about the world (and sometimes carefully constructed because we find it hard to face reality). We can also grieve events that have passed, things that never happened, ambition never fulfilled.

Don’t be concerned you are grieving, be glad that you are feeling - you still have your humanity.

Thanks, its good to know.

I had depression for a long time when other family members died, but I didn't feel any grief for them (they were older and suffering).

I guess I should just go with it and have a big old cry rather than trying to puzzle it out.

Here's my thread from about a week ago. Not exactly the same but still:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5403638-how-do-you-feel-when-an-ex-has-died?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

It's very difficult. There are other similar threads which maybe will link on. Other posters will probably be better abled to help you than me. So sorry.

I think it’s okay to do both. I find considering it helpful for my processing, but that’s how I work with most things. Definitely lean into your feelings too though.

OP I really do understand how you are feeling. My brother who caused so much sadness to my darling Mum who died over 10 years ago ,and I genuinely disliked him over many years ,died suddenly end of July.
He was living in India and we were NC since my Mum died .
Police calling at our house very late at night in early August scared me so much. Thought one of my children who are adults were ill or worse ,so was immediately relieved it was my brother.
Now over time I am grieving for my brother and so bloody sad that my brother was eventually cremated yesterday in India but in the knowledge that he was on his own without a proper funeral service. The bureaucracy we had to go through to ensure this would happen was unimaginable! My sister and I were determined to ensure his body was treated respectfully in mortuary and cremation.
Am now trying to work out what to do about his house and belongings. We have no idea about his life,who his friends were etc . A lot to unravel TBH .
Grief is very complicated for so many reasons.

Its so complicated.

In this scenario I am your brother- currently estranged from my family and I know my brother thinks that I am causing my mother alot of sadness. I guess thats why I don't know why I feel a bit much about this news. It doesn't make any sense.

Families are so incredibly complicated

Bless you.Families are complicated. Feel sad that my brother literally had no one in India to organise his funeral
. Am awake very late because I have been trying to work out what to do now regarding his belongings,home ,still don’t know if he owned or rented and if he had anyone special in his life.A huge mess and India is so far away plus the difference in culture.
Can only urge you to reach out to your family OP ,it’s too late if the worst thing happens.Xx

Not sure if this might be helpful, but just in case.

https://www.cruse.org.uk