How do you feel when an ex has died?

[Redheadedstepchild]

Because I've just found out that mine has. He was a very troubled person and it was a difficult relationship. I found his funeral notice online. I don't know why I was looking really but I've had a feeling that he must have passed on for a long time. Curiosity maybe.

It was very short. It gave the impression that he'd died suddenly. Just, "The family X are sorry to announce that Y has died. Name of undertakers. Burial at such a time."

That was it.

I don't think I'm mourning him or anything, I just feel a bit odd.

What does such a notice mean? I suppose I can guess. No mention of any illness, or went peacefully, or thanks to staff of, or flowers or anything. I think he might have killed himself. Or it was a bad way to go in some way.

Absolutely no softening language though and I wouldn't have said that his family are like that. They are very Catholic and I used to have to lay flowers on the Grandma's grave with them all after church. Seems out of character.

I don't know what I want from this thread really apart from maybe if somebody has experienced similar?

Just a bit puzzled. I wouldn't say shocked or surprised exactly. His mental health was never very stable and this manifested itself in various ways, shall we say.

Ah well. Rest in peace. He was only 36. He actually died in 2018. Two years after we split up.

You can feel anything ...it's ok to feel sad and upset, it's also ok to feel nothing. It does sound like he died suddenly due to that wording. If you're upset by this be kind to yourself. Go for a walk and have a little quiet time to reflect.

Sorry to hear that @Redheadedstepchild
Its bound to stir up memories for you.

My ex died by suicide, many years ago now. I had his child although he opted out of contact with her.
I think it would be normal to feel sad, grieve and remember him.

Sounds like we were in similar situations only I had a termination which I still can't decide was the right decision or not nearly ten years on. I sort of knew something would happen to him.

Love to you and your daughter x

No. I regret the termination.

It was him who wanted it the termination though. He really, really wanted a baby and then as soon as I was pregnant, he completely changed his mind.

I wouldn't read too much into the notice. The ones I posted for my late OH and for my dad were both very similar. Short, no details, no info about flowers etc. They died weeks apart, I just copy/pasted the first one and changed out the info for the second.

I was too numb with grief to really give a shit while writing it and just wanted to get the needed info out there fast so I could go crawl back under a blanket and hide from the world.

No. That's shifting blame. It was my body, after all.

I'm sorry OP, it can stir up feelings you never expected to feel. Its ok to feel any kind of feeling, or even no feeling at all.

My ex died some years ago. He was abusive and I hated him, we had a daughter together and I fought hard to get sole custody and then he cut all contact with her. Some time later (maybe 8 or 9 months) I got a call from his brother, the police had found him dead in his apartment. I never did find out the cause of death, I ordered a copy of his death certificate because I wanted to understand but it just said natural causes so not suicide but no other information.
The whole thing messed me up a bit, I felt guilty because he clearly died completely alone (his body wasn't found until weeks after his death), and as much as I hated him, he was DD's father, she wouldn't exist if it wasn't for him.
Going to the funeral helped me process those feelings.

I went out with a guy who love bombed me then dumped me out of nowhere (and told me
on email). Absolutely broke my heart at the time but I took time and slowly came out of it. Then I heard from a mutual friend that he had Motor Neurone Disease. My dad had died from it so I knew he wouldn’t have long. I had forgiven him and moved on by then but it was a strange experience, almost like I wasn’t sure how to feel. I didn’t know whether to go to his funeral or not but decided on balance not to go. He was Dutch and the funeral would have been in Holland, I don’t speak the language, and I wasn’t in touch with any of his friends or family. I don’t regret not going, it would have been weird but I do feel very sad that his life was cut short so soon. He would have only been in his fifties.

My ex died by drowning, about 18 months after we broke up. The actual relationship was only about 18 months and not particularly healthy. We'd lived together for part of that. After breaking up we'd still been friendly/amicable and had occasionally texted each other and would chat if we bumped into each other.

I felt really sad when he died. Despite our relationship not being the best (neither of us were in a good place and he had addiction issues) he genuinely was a good man and he had a daughter with an ex so I felt very sad for her. I went to his funeral to pay my respects and had a lovely chat with his mum.

That was five years ago now and I still think of him sometimes and feel sad. It just feels weird that there are some nice memories in my life that were only shared with him and now I'm the only one that remembes them.

I’m so sorry to hear this. My ex died about 3 years after I left him. We were together for 3 years. He didn’t treat me well, was an alcoholic and had a bipolar diagnosis. I loved him but had to leave because his behaviour declined so much. I knew with his drinking I didn’t want to be around to watch him die. He died during Covid and his friends told me straight away so I was able to visit his mum and go to the funeral (albeit with Covid rules so that was horrible).
I felt numb for quite a while and hearing how his life disintegrated when I left wasn’t easy. But I knew it was the right thing to do, he’d never stop drinking.
It did change my outlook on life and I do think that life is too short. You’ve got to grab the opportunity to be happy when it comes along.
I still think of him and try to remember the good times.
I fell for someone else afterwards and I think my ex’s death made me stay/try for longer than I should have, in the hope that love would be enough. It wasn’t. So I didn’t really learn my lesson!
It’s ok to remember someone but try not to think of the what if’s. You can’t go back and change anything, only live a happy life now.

Someone I was with for 6 months ago during university died about 5 years ago so we were 20/21 and not in it for the long term. We were friends on Facebook and he did randomly message me at times. I knew he was ill but not how bad it was. A family member of his posted when he died which was a shock. I didn't really know how I should feel other than sad he died so young-mid 40s.

I was with a man throughout my 20’s. He was abusive, financially and emotionally, though not physically, and he was controlling. I eventually realised I needed to leave, walked out one day with barely a penny and honestly, I barely gave him another thought afterwards. It was like I’d grieved for the relationship whilst I was stuck with him so once I’d left it was a relief. And then a mutual friend told me he’d died by suicide about 15 years later. It floored me but not in the way you might expect. Such an odd feeling. I wasn’t upset, I was just empty inside. I did take a few hours to myself but wasn’t sure what to think. And I did think about him a lot in the next week or so. But now I don’t, unless something like this brings it back! Gosh that was long. But yeah I felt blank, it was an odd, unsettling feeling

I felt more sad about it than I would have expected. My secondary school boyfriend (we were together from 15-18) died of cancer last year. He wasn’t a very nice person really, he had a huge amount of trauma, very violent family, he was an alcoholic probably from early teens. He did genuinely try to be a decent person, but when all you know is abuse, you’re just kind of always messed up.

We didn’t keep in touch (mid to late 40s now), but I’d occasionally look him up to see if he was in prison yet. 😳 He did contact me last year and I ignored it, because I genuinely don’t want to make small talk with my teenage boyfriend. I realise now he was probably trying to find some closure, maybe say goodbye, when he knew he was dying.

It actually hit me quite hard for a few days. It doesn’t help that I also have cancer too, though mine is hopefully curable. I understood what he must have gone through. I felt a bit guilty that mine wasn’t as bad as his. I certainly had more support (lovely Dh and dc and friends/family). He was married, but his wife is about 70 (don’t get me started on how weird that is, I think she was another alcoholic he picked up at the pub and she looked after him to a certain extent). Funeral appeared to be direct cremation, no proper service or wake, just sort of a pauper’s burial. Which struck me as very sad.

I just sort of accepted I would have some feelings about it for a bit. And I did. But those emotions passed eventually. I think it’s okay to feel sad at the loss of someone you didn’t particularly want in your life.

@mindutopia I was looking to see if my ex was in prison too but then stumbled on the death notice.

My narcissist exh died 2 years ago. When I read the text I felt an actual physical lifting of the black cloud that had haunted me for years..
It was quite euphoric not to be so dramatic!!

@Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet I've just had the strange thought. "At least I can go to this town and that area and such a shop without fear of bumping into him."

Then another thought, "And I could have been doing for the last seven years, instead of skulking about with my head on a swivel, had I known."

I’ve often wondered how I’ll feel when my ex husband dies, assuming I’m still alive at that time. I can’t imagine feeling sad but who knows. I’d certainly feel sad for my children, but I don’t think I’d be sad for any other reason.

I’m pleased you don’t have to be worried about going to certain places. That must be such a relief.

@Lighteningstrikes It is. What I am a bit taken aback by is that I live in a very close knit aka gossipy place and nobody told me. I found out all these years later from a semi random web search. Normally you can't sneeze around here without making the local newspaper.

I really do know the type of place - everybody knows everybody’s business, so that is very weird.

Ex died 3 years ago, suddenly. His Mum got in touch to tell me the next day and I offered to let all of his hobbyist friends know. A lot of us went to his funeral. We had just made friends again properly when he died.

I've had counselling to deal with the feelings as I felt stuck in this disproportionately huge grief and couldn't move on. I find it hard to do the hobby that I used to live for, as I keep expecting to see him.

Everybody is different! Be kind to yourself.

I would be heartbroken for my child. Otherwise, and please try and forgive me, I would feel blessed relief.