Advice for approach - son strangled at nursery for 2nd time!

[Boymumma3]

So I had a phone call today from nursery, my son has been strangled for the second time by the same child. The first time was this year but in his old class before he moved up. They are in nursery and only 3 years old!

Am I been unreasonable to request this child to be moved to another class to ensure my child is safe at nursery? I'm am very concerned as this is beyond normal toddler behaviour and it's not just the first time.

They said my son was sat on the carpet and said child went up and stepped behind him and put his hands round his neck.

Any advice how to approach nursery regarding this would be great. They was going to call me back tomorrow.

That’s awful. I would concentrate on how they will make sure it never happened again to your son, I don’t think you can request the other child be moved but ask them how they will safeguard your DS and see what they say.

I work in childcare. I would expect a member of staff to be 'on' the strangler at all times. We recently ended up asking an aggressive child to leave the daycare after they had a designated staff member shadowing him at all times for several months to intercept any aggression and the behaviour did not improve, culminating in the aggressive child shoving another child, unprovoked, off a high piece of play equipment. It was extremely lucky that the child who was pushed was not hurt Every child deserves to have their safety ensured at daycare. I agree with @Overthebow 's advice. The onus is on the nursery to keep your child safe.

I’d be asking if they can do 1-1 supervision on that other child or end their placement. If they refuse to agree to their of the above I’d be reporting to Ofsted and social services. Something is happening at home for that child to behave in such a way.

I would teach my child to smack him. In 5 seconds the problem will be solved.

I would be asking the Nursery why did it happen again and what steps have they taken for the future well-being of your child.

I would hope the safeguarding lead at the nursery has made a report to social services about the strangler. Kids don’t just start doing that unless they’ve seen it at home, surely

Not to change class but to change session they have morning and afternoon session.

I will be asking all above tomorrow, and he will be staying home with me until they can let me know. The headteacher is apparently contacting me first thing. X

I disagree that the child must necessarily be seeing this behaviour at home, or experiencing trauma at home.I would, though, expect the preschool to involve the aggressive child's parents/caregivers by drawing up a plan together to address the aggressive behaviour, with the clear stipulation that if the aggressive behaviour continues, the child will be asked to leave. No child should be made to feel unsafe at daycare, especially when you are paying large sums of money for the privilege.

I really don't think it's normal 3 year old behaviour, I get that sometimes things happen when biys play rough etc.. but to know how to physically go and strangle another child is very concerning I think.

Agreed - it is not typical 3 year old behaviour. I would maybe expect to see it in a very young toddler who is being over exuberant but very much the exception in an older child and in my experience it sounds as if the aggressive child has some unmet needs or emotional dysregulation issues. You're right - intentional aggression from out of nowhere is very different to rough play (which I disagree should be encouraged at daycare anyway as it very often ends in tears when someone inevitably gets carried away...)

Nanny here👋
In first instance, it looks like the nursery acted accordingly and called you directly rather than waiting until pick up.

A couple of concerns;

The child whose behavior is causing concern; a) are their behavioural needs being met? children go through phases of "acting out", and for some it's a way of communicating, anger, frustration, overwhelm, over stimulation etc. are the setting fully supporting the behaviour as it presents, and figuring out the route cause? do they have an action plan in place for said child? (be mindful that per x policies the nursery won't be able to give you a lot of info on the other child, but still food for thought)

Questions to ask the setting;
How do the setting plan to review policies and practices in regards to the incident?

Have either of the children had any negative encounters previously? if so, what?

Were staff supervising adequately? How long did it take staff to intervene? Was the room adequately staffed?

Referring back to the above- is the setting aware of any previous behavioral difficulties with said child and have they planned accordingly to support and prevent?

What is the settings follow up plan? How will they support the child in question, as well as your own to support the children to navigate through the incidents?

Be sure to request physical copies of the accident/injury forms and photograph any marks post incident where necessary.

Having nannied for a child who was "heavy handed/ had rough hands", boundaries were key, explaining that hands are not for hitting, it's x's turn now, it's your turn soon, explaining how hands can be used positively, explaining x behaviour is inappropriate, and what kind of behavior I'd like to see instead. It definitely felt like constant nagging and feeling like a broken record, the child who was known for the cause of most accident forms, is now better behaved that some of their peers, and a popular member of their cohort. I made an effort to offer play opportunities with the "the heavy handed child" and the children who they had "issues" with and used it as an opportunity to overcome the problems in a controlled environment, it took some time, given their age, and now they are really good friends. It's so important to support children how and as they present themselves whether that be nipping bad behavior early, or helping them excel in their strengths!

It's the second time he has strangled him and also not the first negative incident neither. I will be sure to use all the info on the phone call tomorrow and ask the relevant questions. Thanks guys. X

I feel sorry for the child here if they are only two or three.

Dunno. My suspected autistic son has started grabbing us around the throat etc. Obviously we tell him off. There could be possible SEN.

I would hope they already have some kind of plan in place with the other childs parents, it's highly unlikely that the two incidents with your child are the only two they have on record. And there are probably plenty of "near misses" they've managed to intercept too!
I don't think you can ask them to change the other childs sessions though, it would only move the problem not solve it (obviously I understand you are only concerned about your own child but change could well make it worse in general).

They can't discuss the others childs needs with you, what they know and what support the child has had or is having.

They can tell you how they plan to keep your child safe.

Likewise, but I'm not the one in charge.

They probably can't tell you, but I'd be curious to know if your child is the only one in the group who has been strangled.

I'd definitely request details of the nursery's plan to deal with this, and I wouldn't be fobbed off by, "The child's parents are aware, and were working together to curb the behaviour".

Demand details of the specific safeguarding interventions they will be using to ensure your child's physical safety.

Spoken to the headteacher today.
He has not only done this to my child for second time but done to others too, so at least I know it's not targeted with it been a second time. They confirmed there is needs of the other child and they are doing what they can to meet them and confirmed that referrals to other agencies have been done but that's all they can say.

They have extra staff in the room to support the other child and said eyes will be on him at all times.

If your child is at risk, you want the child moved so they are a risk to other children? Weird.

The child needs to be properly supported by staff. If that means 1:1, that’s what they should do.

I’m surprised they told you that much. That is confidential information, I’d be furious if that had been shared about my child.

Yes so would I

Really? It seems quite crucial to be able to tell the parents if it’s only their kid being targeted, and what steps are being taken to stop it.

We had this with a child who was repeatedly attacking (just) my DD. I didn’t need to know the other child’s diagnosis or home information, but what was happening in nursery, to my daughter, was 100% my business.

I wasn't aware he was doing it to other children too! I thought it was between my son and him as there have been numerous incidents regarding him with my son that's the reason I was going to ask him to be changed not to put other children at risk!

I asked the questions what people advised I should ask and they told me that info, they didnt tell me what needs or where referrals are been made they told me this to let me know it's not personal to my son and there are things that are been dealt with and unfortunately that's the reason my child was attacked. They told me it had happened to other children as like I said I questioned why he keeps doing this to my son when hes doing nothing wrong to him. They didnt tell me names or anything just said it's not just personally with your child it's with numerous.

I'm amazed they told you that much.
Honestly I'd be looking at moving your child