Wicked step mother

[BeWittyTurtle]

I’m not sure if I’m being a wicked step mum/ have unrealistic expectations and I just want to put it out there I like my step son, I like most children, understand my own kids aren’t perfect either.

But I am just a human.

My other half has a 17 year old son.
I have girls aged 19, 15, and 8.

All kids are 50/50 parented with respective co-parents.

We all started living together 18 months ago. I do expect my kids to pitch in with things like laying the table, or if I’ve cooked a big meal we all clean up together, one washes, one dries etc. My kids are pretty good and will also clean their rooms. (Do not get me wrong, I’m not saying they’re perfect).

My partner’s son does literally nothing at all. He only speaks if he wants something, makes a mess around the place and if asked to clean it up will either claim incompetence (even when shown) or his dad steps in for him.

He’s a nice boy, plenty of positives going for him but it’s starting to really bug me that he isn’t encouraged to pitch in. For the record, absolutely no neurodiversity/learning or social problems are at play here.

if I ask him to do anything- like earlier I asked him to tidy all the shoes on the rack as I was busy and we had guests coming shortly, he put his shoes together and walked off.

He’s allowed to do essentially what he likes- and I think at his age he could do more. He texts me with demands (can you buy my dad a card and present from me for his birthday and wrap the gift?), or ‘what time can you take me to…’ even though I had no idea I was taking anyone anywhere.

other things really annoying me are him leaving the door wide open when he uses the loo and - I know this is me being a weirdo- when he spits really loudly after brushing his teeth.

If my writing time here suggests I’m grumpy/raise my voice in any way, I absolutely am not- I really struggle with knowing if I can stick up for myself/boundaries because I had a really bad start in life with a very violent and frightening home life. I’m doing my best here.

In age old MN fashion, you have a DP problem!

His DS is a product of his upbringing and also of the fact that your DP continued not to make sure his son complies with reasonable requests/ expectations on family life.

Obviously all the DC have to be treated the same (subject to age, needs etc) but what the expectations were needed to be discussed before moving in and “blending families”.

Unless your DP has a major step up I’d be rethinking living together.

You say you had a violent and frightening upbringing.

I believe it's likely that because of that, you like to maintain control over your home life now. In a positive way of course.

Because he is your step-son, you likely feel you have less control over him. And it likely stirs up negative emotions without you even realising.

As previous poster says he's a product of his (poor) upbringing. Yanbu to be annoyed though he's more than old enough to chip in. Have your husband enforce house rules.

Have you discussed with DP? What does he say?

I would clearly explain that his DS shapes up, or they can both ship out.

At 17 he should be doing more . I think a serious conversation with your dp is badly needed . I guess it wasn’t discussed before moving in as it’s such a basic thing !

Also, of course he shouldn’t text you with demands! That’s outrageous.

we did couples therapy before moving in where we set out stuff like this. DP says the right things, doesn’t do them. He’s lovely, just scared his son won’t like him

He’s been raised completely different to your daughters so I can understand the clash. You need to speak to your dp so he can lay some boundaries.

He gets very defensive and brings up my childhood

You need to have a serious conversation with your DP. He's the one who needs to impress upon his son that he needs to pull his weight around the house and shut the bathroom door! He is shirking his responsibility as a parent & it's effecting the whole household - I'd be telling him to step up and things need to change or I'd be rethinking living together.

You need to step up if your weak partner won't. You have 2 minor girls in your home, one of whom is 8. His son has to shut the bathroom door. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Your partner would rather his son like him than parent him and your kids are being exposed to bad behaviour and the son is being really entitled with you.

Come to Jesus meeting with ground rules. If they're not followed, somebody's going to be moving out. Things are not working out.

Did you move to a new place or yours or his?

That’s a huge red flag. How would he react if you said if DSS doesn’t improve, they need to move out?

Ohhh…this is a tricky one, especially as you are navigating your own past trauma as well. Rest assured, you’re not being a wicked stepmother at all. It sounds like you both agreed the ground rules before moving in and you’re the only one enforcing them.

You have the weight of MN behind you - don’t let your partner convince you that you’re being unreasonable because of your childhood trauma. He needs to step up and parent his child! He’s not doing him any favours by letting this slide - his son will have a rude awakening when he starts with serious relationships otherwise.

Your response is "no I can't take you anywhere because you didn't tidy the shoes when I asked."

"No I won't buy you cards and presents for you because you refuse to help with the drying up." And repeat.

Also I'd call a handiman and have strong closing springs put on all of the loo doors. Put it on your dh's credit card, since he won't act.

In a house full of females, your ss is asserting dominance. Surely there isn’t a much greater method of doing so than using the toilet with the door wide open.

Your DP is happy to allow his son assert dominance and, by association, your DP is asserting his dominance over all the females in the house. Or, if you like, your DP is asserting his dominance in the house by allowing his son to behave so awfully and one might say abusively to the females in the house.

If the house is yours, send them packing. The security of your daughters should come first and right now, they are being abused by men whom you have brought into their lives.

If the house isn’t yours, start packing. I don’t think there is any further discussion to be had on the subject to your bloke (he isn’t a partner at all).

With three girls and one boy and their ages I don't know if moving in together was the best thing.

To the demands - you need to say no. And you need to get your DH to sort out the behaviours.

Your DP is very unfair to bring up your difficult childhood when you call him out on his son's behaviour - it's a nasty thing to do, he'd putting the blame on you.

You are being totally reasonable in expecting all the kids to pitch in, or in his sons case, keep the most basic civilities. His son is showing total disrespect to you and your kids.

Can you return to couples therapist you saw before you moved in to see if there is any hope in him changing his parenting style?

Otherwise I think the blending of the families isn't working, he can move out with his son, you could still see each other, but the relationship may well end as he'll likely claim you're unreasonable not to accept his parenting style.

How long have you been together OP and whose house did you all move into?

😳😳😳😳😳 HUGE red flag!!! You’ve found another abusive partner then! Did you not do the freedom programme and learn to spot the signs history is repeating itself? We end up with the same sort of personality unfortunately when we’ve been with abusive partners before or abusive parents

I think tell DP that you won't be doing things for DSS anymore like lifts, shopping, treats etc until he starts acting like he's part of the family. It's not fair that he gets special treatment.

And then stop doing it all.

Who does DSS washing? Stop that as well.

Enormous red flag to bring up your childhood against you!

Obviously should be doing more. Speak to your partner. Stop doing things for him.

Do you think if your DH pushes DSS to do more your DH is afraid he will vote with his feet and stay at his mums more? Your DSS may even be aware of this fear. Teens have been playing parents off against each other since the dawn of time. Doesn’t make it ok though, and he needs to tackle it.

When you bring up the issue , he responds by gaslighting you, by means of diverting the onus from his sons (and as such his own) behaviour, onto your trauma.

What relevance is your upbringing here? You raise your children to be helpful, kind, meaningful members of society who can fend for themselves. Not because of your upbringing (though perhaps in spite of it) but because that is the purpose of parenthood - if you strive to do it well at least.

His son is not pulling his weight, is not kind nor helpful, and certainly not participating as part of the miniature society that a family unit offers (in mimicry of the larger society in which we live) - your dh is failing his son, his son will fail to thrive in society, and you need to consider the impact of this on your own wellbeing and that of your children

Everyone should have chores. We have a chore list that rotates daily and weekly for the kids.

My 17 yr old text similar demands. I just reply - manners?