Wicked step mother

[BeWittyTurtle]

I’m not sure if I’m being a wicked step mum/ have unrealistic expectations and I just want to put it out there I like my step son, I like most children, understand my own kids aren’t perfect either.

But I am just a human.

My other half has a 17 year old son.
I have girls aged 19, 15, and 8.

All kids are 50/50 parented with respective co-parents.

We all started living together 18 months ago. I do expect my kids to pitch in with things like laying the table, or if I’ve cooked a big meal we all clean up together, one washes, one dries etc. My kids are pretty good and will also clean their rooms. (Do not get me wrong, I’m not saying they’re perfect).

My partner’s son does literally nothing at all. He only speaks if he wants something, makes a mess around the place and if asked to clean it up will either claim incompetence (even when shown) or his dad steps in for him.

He’s a nice boy, plenty of positives going for him but it’s starting to really bug me that he isn’t encouraged to pitch in. For the record, absolutely no neurodiversity/learning or social problems are at play here.

if I ask him to do anything- like earlier I asked him to tidy all the shoes on the rack as I was busy and we had guests coming shortly, he put his shoes together and walked off.

He’s allowed to do essentially what he likes- and I think at his age he could do more. He texts me with demands (can you buy my dad a card and present from me for his birthday and wrap the gift?), or ‘what time can you take me to…’ even though I had no idea I was taking anyone anywhere.

other things really annoying me are him leaving the door wide open when he uses the loo and - I know this is me being a weirdo- when he spits really loudly after brushing his teeth.

If my writing time here suggests I’m grumpy/raise my voice in any way, I absolutely am not- I really struggle with knowing if I can stick up for myself/boundaries because I had a really bad start in life with a very violent and frightening home life. I’m doing my best here.

How much does your DH do in the house?

Can he encourage DSS to follow his example?

This is what you need to address. He sounds quite weak and may need your support to sort this out, but it can be done as a team effort.
Your kids are already leading by example.
Perhaps a family meeting where rules and expectations are laid out clearly? And consequences for non-conformity.
It won’t affect your kids (who already do what you need them to do) - you could even forewarn them of what the meeting is about.

Making it a ‘family’ matter will take the pressure off your DH personally, and hopefully allay his fears of alienating his son and give him the strength to follow through on it.

Good luck! x

Why would you respond to his requests / messages if he doesn’t do anything you ask him to? Just tell him to jog on.

And ignore all the typical MN man-haters who are telling you to dump your partner (which is their solution to every relationship problem), if your step son is 18 I’d hope he’ll be gone in a few months, and given he’s being coparented, does his mother get him to help round the house? Because one parent trying to fix that is not going to work.

DP says the right things, doesn’t do them

so why is it DSS you are complaining about? This is pretty obviously a case of unblending the family fast.

How do your DD’s feel about having a man or maybe even two men who don’t pull their weight in their home ? Is this the relationship you want to model for them?

His son is potentially exposing himself to minor girls by refusing to shut the door when he uses the bathroom. Is he an exhibitionist? There's 3 girls in the home, 2 are minors.

I would have told them both to leave the minute his son refused to close the bathroom door. That's indecent exposure and possible sexual harassment.

I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that OP and her DDs moved into her DP and SS’s home (which has probably always been a bit of a mess) and is now trying to change things.

To me it sounds like her SS is doing what he’s always done in his own home (like peeing with the door open) and is resistant to changing his habits as he probably views OP and her kids as interlopers trying to take over his home.

Now to be perfectly clear, I don’t think OP is wrong in her expectations at all, far from it in fact BUT I do think the kids were / are completely the wrong ages to blend (I wonder how much say the kids had in it) and OP and her DP would have been better off either waiting to live together or at least moving into a new house that was neutral ground as it’s very hard to change habits when moving into someone else’s “territory”.

As for her DP, I think he probably agrees with OP in theory (neat and tidy house, chores etc) but in reality he and his son are too set in their ways and he probably also views it primarily as his home (and not the OP’s) too; he probably wants a nice lovely home but can’t be arsed to put in the work to achieve it.

(Apologies of if I’ve got the set up wrong OP but from what you’ve described, it does sound to me like you and your DD’s moved in with them).

I’d be leaving if I were you OP, I think it was a bad idea to try and blend the kids at their ages and as for the rest of it, it’s obvious your DP is a gaslighting twat who has no respect for you. You sound lovely and you definitely deserve far better.

You know @ThrowAwayHooray re-reading OP's posts, you may be right. And yes - they are all the wrong ages for blending into one big happy family!

That’s ridiculous. My DS is 13 and tried to feign incompetence when I started giving him chores as I could see that he was otherwise going to grow up to be like your DSS. He got told to jog on and now does all the hoovering, the dishes, puts a load of washing on and hangs it out, and can cook a few different meals. And he’s by no means driven or independent, he just got told chores are non negotiable.

Its not fair on your kids either, to have higher expectations whilst they watch him do nothing

Why on earth would you move in together? You really thought it was okay to make your teenage girls live with two unrelated men?

He can't manage his son and he's blaming your childhood?!

Odd that you've managed to bring up three well-mannered children and he sired a spoilt brat then isn't it? Maybe his Mummy does everything for him? My replies would probably be asking him whether he's four.

1. Buying the card and present for his Dad — it's what you do for small children.
2. Not wanting to lock or close the toilet door in case you get stuck — behaviour of a four year old.
3. Not being able to do simple chores — again, behaviour of a small child.

Explain that if he continues to act like a small child, you will treat him like one. The malicious side of me is replacing all his underwear with nappies and cutting up his dinner so he doesn't choke and not letting him have a knife with it in case he hurts himself...

Explain to DP that his son isn't 4. You don't do the above and you expect him to be a competent 17 yo.

He hasn't had to do chores because he's a boy and often it's seen as 'beneath' men and boys to do domestic chores so they get dumped on the girl children. Seen it and lived it.