Husband not been paying tax for years

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I'm so worried and scared. Over a year ago two debt collectors came to our door and handed me a letter addressed to my husband. I opened it and it said we owed approx £500k to the taxman. I nearly collapsed.

When my husband came home I confronted him and he basically broke down saying he hadn't been paying tax on his Ltd company for about 5 years. He'd liquidised his company without my knowledge and taken me off as Company Secretary presumably so I wouldn't find out and to extricate me from any financial liability. We had to get a tax lawyer to negotiate on our behalf with the debt collectors and after many months of wrangling, my husband told me it was £64k we owed which we could put our savings towards and also set up a direct debit and pay the rest monthly.

Fast forward a year, I had two debt collectors standing at my front door. It turns out my husband has been lying about the amount owed...it's in actual fact £150k. I'm horrified, my heart's racing as I'm writing this. He told me over the phone he'd used £30k of our son's trust fund money towards it. He told me he's incapable of saying no to me (?!) and he knows he's got emotional problems.

I don't understand any of this...I'm in my 50s, yes, I like nice things (who doesn't) but never overspent in terms of the money that's in our account and was surplus after all bills are paid. He didn't come home last night, he's too ashamed and embarrassed and keeps telling me he's no good and I deserve better. I've been with this man for over 30 years and can't imagine life without him, although I massively resent him at this point.

I found out he'd taken his watch (a present for his 50th) to a pawnbroker to get a £1,500 per loan against the watch. He said it was to pay off the rest owed to the tax lawyer. I asked (shouted) why the hell did he not come to me as I'd managed to put some money aside. Again, he was too embarrassed and said he just wanted it sorted and out the way. I ended up giving him over £2k to get the watch back.

I'm worried sick. How on earth do I deal with this without knowing whether he's lying or not? I don't have access to his business account because I'm not company secretary. I have access to everything else (I think?).

I'm mostly disgusted at my son's trust fund. He's 21, and it was meant to be for a down payment on a flat at some point. Now there's nothing. My son's now aware of this and thinks I should leave his dad as he can't be trusted. What do you think? Any advice would be extremely welcome.

He's deliberately not paid tax. That's taking deceipt to a whole new level. That's not a mistake That's a choice. And given the amounts involved I would be very surprised if he doesn't end up in jail.

Not if its was a stocks and shares child trust fund

Do you mean a child ISA?

Her son is no longer a child; he's 21.

did you read OP’s updates. Op struggled with an addiction. Op says she is used to certain kind of lifestyle. She us not working since kid was a baby. That kid is 21 now. Can you imagine how much pressure this man has?

It sounds from the updates as if the OPs addiction and spending habits have partly caused this and the husband didn’t pay tax because the money was spent

everythjng needs to be sold downsized bill paid off and a new lifestyle found

Are you a lawyer or an accountant?

Angela Rayner didn’t go to jail, nor did Nigel Farage.

You really believe that?

C'mon, her son is 21. She's not been a SAHM for years. Her choice has been to not work and to spend money on nice things, even after finding out about the nightmare debt a year ago. If any of this is real. The Porsche tips it over the edge.

You'd be surprised how little HMRC will accept on large debts. I know of someone who lives a very lavish lifestyle in a 20ish bedroom mansion and one of his building/construction businesses failed to pay tax or NI or pension contributions for its staff members for a number of years and the debt ran into hundreds of thousands.

He simply declared the business insolvent and wound it up and HMRC then get nothing/very little.

He then started up the business again called something different.

Well there’s a short term solution to some of your debt issues. You need to see a lawyer on your own asap. You still don’t know the actual truth re the debt, only what your DH is telling you. Once you know you will be in a position to make decisions.

I think you need to steel yourself for there being more to come, whether more debt, or more importantly, what caused the debt. He’s been lying to you for years so you can’t know he’s not lied about other stuff. His demeanour and apologies mean nothing here. Absolutely nothing, and his hinting at suicide suggest a manipulative approach at the very least.

In my opinion your son’s probably right and you should leave. You can’t trust him ( sob stories don’t change anything ). At the very least look at counselling for yourself to help you see your way forward.

Op said that.

Ok, when i 'got' my husband's watch back it was before the debt collectors landed on the doorstep. He told me he needed the money to pay extra to the tax lawyers. He told me that was the end of it and grovelled to buggery.

Re our lifestyle...well, we don't live in London....but further north...more bang for your buck! 8 apartment house does indeed mean 8 bedrooms however not all used as bedrooms. It seems excessive. It's actually not that big, but been added to previously by the last owner. Rooms are big because it's an old house. I've thought about downsizing but hate modern houses and being in an estate. Might have to do that tho. Remember people, this has all come as a big shock, I thought an original figure had been settled, it appears the original settlement was much more. The Porsche i can definitely live with getting rid of. I'll just buy a Bentley...I'm joking! Think I'm hysterical with shock, hurt, confusion and disbelief. Btw, I know plenty of women who don't work or taken early retirement (but do voluntary work) which I've done plenty of. I just thought we were OK financially and my husband seemed fine with it. I've never been ambitious but probably become a bit lazy and used to the way things are. I would love a part time job but haven't been successful yet.

Unfair advice
OP needs to support her husband, she has been indifferent to any of the financial responsibilities of running /maintaining a home

They do

The posts by OP have more holes than a colander.

I'm out.

No a child trust fund. Someone aged 21 would have had one started up by the government. The OP doesn't say exactly when the money was taken

Prove it

Not necessarily making things up... might be using the wrong terminology.

Op - by trust fund do you mean a formal officially set up trust fund. Or are you referring to an account in your sons name e.g. an ISA. Or is it just a savings account that you intended to give to him but isn't formally set up that way?

My most pressing thought is however much you hate him right now, this is your son's father and your husband of many years and he is high suicide risk right now. Make it absolutely clear that he's shat all over you both financially and you would never forgive him if he took the cowardly way out of suicide plus it would likely void any insurance policies so you would be doubly screwed.

I guess you need to decide if you want to save your marriage. Honestly, your least painful option is a very quick divorce and he go bankrupt. If that's not on the table, then the only saving grave is he still has a high earning job so you taking complete control of all finances, downsizing, selling off high value items like jewellery/cars etc and significantly reducing your outgoings, you may be able to get this paid off fairly quickly. Priority then is repaying your DC and building back your savings and settling into a new normal. I would never trust him with family or personal finances again. Ever.

How the Hell would I do that exactly?
Why don't you have a little think about why I know this for certain?

Yeah 🙄

You need to find out if anything is secured against the house and whether you could lose it. There’s a big difference between a limited company debt and a personal debt. I had this with a relative. Lies lies lies until finally the house was repossessed.

I'm guessing OP & her husband were the Trustees and he forged her signature to access the money. If this comes to light he would likely face criminal charges and possible prison sentence.

why did you open your husband's post?

you've taken no interest in his money or tax for years.

I've thought about downsizing but hate modern houses and being in an estate. Might have to do that tho.

Uh, yeah, think so, and don't just look for the 'part-time jobs you'd love' either. If you're up north, you can sell the Porsche and mansion and there's plenty of 3-beds, on an estate or terraced or whatever, you could buy outright and pay off the debt with the difference, while getting a full-time job to support yourself so you always know your income. You just need to come join us on planet Earth first.