To find it hard to be sympathetic when DH is ill

[Purplemoon16]

Am I the only person that struggles to muster up any sympathy for their DH when they’re ill? If there’s a bug going about DH ALWAYS seems to catch it worse than anyone else. When I had bad morning sickness in all three of my pregnancies times it coincided with him having a prolonged cough. He doesn’t seem to have much resilience or willingness to just crack on.

It’s come to a head now as Im 30 weeks pregnant and have been catching cold after cold after cold lately, probably at least six colds in the last two months. But I’ve not really had a choice but to get up with our DCs, go to work full time, etc. By contrast DH caught a cold last week, I started off trying my best as he did look poorly but it’s been more than 7 days now of me giving him lie ins every day and he’s still got the dressing gown of doom on and my patience is really wearing thin! He refuses to see a doctor or take a day off work of course.

It always leads to arguments that I’m not being sympathetic enough or that he’s not allowed to be ill but really I find it so difficult to find any empathy when I also have a cold, woke up with the DCs at 5am and he shuffles downstairs at 8.

AIBU?

I can see where you're coming from, but doesn't it also show a certain level of contempt to make out your illness is so much worse than someone else's, to expect that they get on with their usual duties and you don't?

OP, my husband is also fucking ridiculous when it comes to being unwell.

He woke up with a sore foot last Wednesday and hadn't moved from he sofa until today. He regularly stays in bed for 7-10days when he has a cold and gets grumpy when I don't appear to believe that this is necessary. He gets sick about once every 4-6 weeks.

It's so unattractive and he feels so sorry for himself and can't do anything around the house for the whole time so just makes my workload heavier. He wants to be looked after and I can't bring myself to indulge him as in that moment I dislike him.

ETA- in fairness to him, he's pretty good when I don't feel well.

YABU. Women are like household appliances. We don't get sick.

You wouldn't expect the toaster to catch a cold, would you? So if it wasn't functioning properly, you'd be annoyed with it, rather than sympathetic.

Hahaha bingo!!

You don't think like me so must be a man! 😂

Not a man. I just don't hate my husband enough to mock him when he's unwell. And I wasn't specifically talking OP, I'm talking about ALL of the women here who have basically piled in and mocked their own husbands for being annoying when ill.

Of course he's being shit by not helping his pregnant wife, no one would disagree with that. But the mocking - the dressing gown of doom, he's breathing performatively loudly, I can't sit in the same room as him because he won't have a lemsip and shut the fuck up... That's contempt. And depressingly it seems normal for women to stew in contempt for their husbands and take the piss out of them for being stupid and useless. At least on MN it is anyway, I don't know anyone who hates their husband that much in real life and aren't actually divorcing him.

OP, your husband sounds like an absolute fanny.

And I'm not usually one to call someone a fanny because I happen to think fannies are pretty awesome.

But if you're getting up with kids at 5am vs his 8am dressing gown shuffle... when you have the same cold as him AND you're pregnant, yeah he's a fanny.

It was something along the lines of ‘oh so I’m not allowed to be ill now’. To be fair at that point I told him to go back to bed for the day if he was that ill, but he did get dressed and come with me for an hour to the park. I think it helped that my mum had called in and seen him laying on the sofa whilst I was running round after the DCs!

This!

Outrageous that anyone should expect their partner to just crack on through colds, morning sickness, childbirth, and all other illnesses while at the same time insisting that when you have a cold or a tummy ache, that you must be administered to and excused all parenting and household duties.

How does he hold a job down? I'm not very good at just battling through but I'd lose my job if I don't work every time I feel ill. I reckon I have about 2?-3 days off a year with colds, usually I try and work in the morning and then give up by the afternoon but I already feel like that's the most it's acceptable to have off with, really.

I really don't know - I think he doesn't tell them that he's sick and has his laptop on in front of him and does nothing.

yes, having a cold is being ill.. seeing how being ill/sick is being unwell, and if you have a cold, you're not well are you?

see also - stomach bug, cough, migraine, sinus infection. All relatively minor ailments in term of they don't last long, require minimal intervention and usually sort themselves out given a few days/week or so of rest.

Flu falls under 'really ill' or 'not well at all'

hospitalised is 'seriously ill'

omg, that would royally piss me off.. but i have chronic pain.

I'd love to spend days on end not moving because i'm sore, but i'd never get anything done.

If I thought DH had real flu I would really be more sympathetic! I don’t think he does though as he’s still able to function where it suits him eg going to work.

IME they absolutely refuse to feel shamefaced, so they double down on the insistence that they are gravely ill and say something like ‘nice to know I can count on you in sickness and in health’ or something equally shitty.

It’s all always about them. Always!

You have my sympathy. I had an argument with dh about the same thing recently. I think it’s because women are expected to get on with things regardless of any pain, upset stomach, bleeding etc. and were taught not to mention it. They have one minor symptom and think they're martyrs for not visiting a GP for something we power through every month. It very unfair for you, you have every right to be angry he should be looking after you.

I don’t even really expect to be looked after. But I do want things to be fair. If we’re both feeling rotten then I expect us to take it in turns getting up with DCs, getting them ready for school etc for example. Not to have DH shuffle down in his pjs at 7.30am when we’re almost out of the door having been up since 5.30!

Yes it’s definitely this! I’m always told I have no sympathy. But that’s not true for example I’m very sympathetic to my children when they’re feeling poorly, mainly because I can see they’re trying their best not to be!

DH will set up camp on the sofa and refuse to go to bed. So he’s spends all day sleeping there, holding the remote control. He’ll then wake up, complain he’s sore and say ‘I wish I’d gone to bed’ every bloody time.

@Purplemoon16

If you snap and kill him no-one would convict. Totally understandable.

From everything you’ve posted I think it’s time to just say ‘Oh dear’ to whatever his complaint/moan is, then just ignore.

’God I feel awful’
‘Oh dear’.

‘I don’t know how I’ll get into work tomorrow’
’Oh dear’

You’ve pointed out his lack of sympathy when you’re ill, to no avail. So just don’t give his performances an audience or any reaction.

Yes I’ve tried that but then I get the, ‘you’re never sympathetic’ argument.

He’s also said that he hates me playing the ‘pregnant card’ and he’s fed up that he can never be more I’ll just because I’m pregnant as well. I don’t think there’s any getting through to men!

Every time I see one of these threads I'm thankful to be in a relationship where my partner looks after me and is sympathetic when I'm under the weather. And even if I don't take an actual sick day he recognises that I'll feel more tired and ill after work, not that I'm magically right as rain. And I'll do the same for him.

A partner who's unsympathetic when you're ill, and accuses you of faking it, is a red flag IMO.

The "women are expected to crack on with it" line isn't quite right. That's a parent thing. I don't crack on with anything if I'm too sick and no one expects me to.

My late DH wasn't one of these pitiful specimens but 2 of my 4 BIL certainly are!

It does seem to be a very common trait. Could you ho and stay with family or friends for a few days?

It’s not a biological reason, it’s because they can!

Everyone would prefer to just drop everything and rest when they’re ill, but it’s a massive luxury to be able to do so.

In many marriages, men get this luxury but don’t think their wives deserve the same.

Urgh, no you’re not alone! They can be so irritating - the feeble shuffle, the dressing gown of doom, the exaggerated shivering and snivelling, the complete inability to do anything other than mope about. Made me want to scream at him to FUCK RIGHT OFF!

I’m usually very sympathetic and happy to care for people when they’re ill, but men that fake it or exaggerate it wind me up!

My ex-H was always ill whenever I was and always decided he was more ill and he wasn’t so dramatic about it. He was even ‘ill’ when I’d pretend just to catch him out.

He wasn’t ill, he just didn’t want to step up and parent or be a supportive partner.

@Purplemoon16 You've had at least six colds in the last 2 months?