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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inheritance

79 replies

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 14:50

I know this will be controversial already. I also accept that there will be strong views.
I am struggling to understand my Dad’s mindset to be honest. So, my Dad has always said that you can’t take money with you, his parents said the same thing and were generous whenever they came into any money - gifting us a few hundred pounds as children when they sold their house for example (30+ years ago) He berated my Mother’s (divorced) choices about hoarding money and when she passed there was a significant amount of money that inheritance tax needed to be paid on. He has always said things like ‘why didn’t she just take you on holiday?’ ‘Why didn’t she gift you some money towards a car?’ Because essentially she then paid tax on her earnings, tax on her savings and then inheritance tax on those savings even though she worked all her life in manual, not-well paid jobs. However, he has just sold his house, he lives in a place where he is extremely unlikely to be removed from and he is 73. When I asked him if he had plans to holiday or travel the world he basically said that he plans to just save the money. Of course this is completely and utterly his right but I simply can’t get my head around it. He would be gutted to have to pay any inheritance tax and he would never want the money to go to anyone other than his children. It doesn’t make sense to me that he would hang onto it instead of sensibly gifting it (within the parameters of the law) and enjoying seeing it be put to use. He has implied all his life that he thinks it’s strange to sit on money when reaching old age but now he is doing just that.

AIBU to think it’s odd? That he had such strong views about it when my Mum did the same thing but now is following the same path? I’m not desperate for money that is a promise and I will never begrudge this, just curious if anyone has encountered someone similar.

OP posts:
Judashascomeintosomemoney · 17/09/2025 14:55

I guess it’s easier to be generous with other people’s money, and probably not at all unusual to have a different opinion of your own.

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 14:58

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 17/09/2025 14:55

I guess it’s easier to be generous with other people’s money, and probably not at all unusual to have a different opinion of your own.

Yeah you’re most likely right. However, I couldn’t wait to gift some of mine to my children and I enjoyed seeing them put it to good use. It just seems strange to me that his parents were the same way and me and my sibling are the same way but that our parents despite claiming to be actually aren’t / weren’t.

OP posts:
Lollytea655 · 17/09/2025 14:59

I think it’s really common for your attitude to change when it’s your own money and your own old age.

One of my husband’s grandparents were like this. It was the one way they felt they could protect themselves & keep some control, it made them feel safe.

GasPanic · 17/09/2025 15:01

As above, it's easy to tell other people what to do with their money. And somewhat less easy when it's your turn to live up to those standards.

Maybe he wanted to paint your mother in a bad light for hoarding money.

It's not unusual as people get older for them to worry more about security and their views may change. And money translates to security.

As regards IHT, maybe look on the bright side that if you father leaves an estate that qualifies for IHT then that is probably going to mean quite a substantial amount to you, unless you have many siblings.

GaspingGekko · 17/09/2025 15:01

It's easy to have strong opinions about a situation you haven't faced yet. Many of us learn that when we become parents and we start to do things we judged other parents for before we had children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2025 15:02

Is he so close to the thresholds that if would make a difference? And not seen as deprivation of assets?

And paying taxes means we get stuff we need. To live.

Naws · 17/09/2025 15:04

He’s 73.

He could well have another 20+ years of life to get through and finance.

How you can spend his money for him isn’t really something you should be thinking about.

Cosyblankets · 17/09/2025 15:08

He's relatively young at 73
You should not really be thinking about this

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:09

Naws · 17/09/2025 15:04

He’s 73.

He could well have another 20+ years of life to get through and finance.

How you can spend his money for him isn’t really something you should be thinking about.

He certainly doesn’t have 20 years to live or that would be a medical miracle tbh but I understand your point of view.

OP posts:
Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2025 15:02

Is he so close to the thresholds that if would make a difference? And not seen as deprivation of assets?

And paying taxes means we get stuff we need. To live.

Totally get that and not arguing against IHT just struggling to understand his mindset.

OP posts:
Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:11

GaspingGekko · 17/09/2025 15:01

It's easy to have strong opinions about a situation you haven't faced yet. Many of us learn that when we become parents and we start to do things we judged other parents for before we had children.

I couldn’t wait to gift as much of mine as I could legally to my children. That did happen it’s not a fantasy that changed when I was in receipt of the money.

OP posts:
Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:12

GasPanic · 17/09/2025 15:01

As above, it's easy to tell other people what to do with their money. And somewhat less easy when it's your turn to live up to those standards.

Maybe he wanted to paint your mother in a bad light for hoarding money.

It's not unusual as people get older for them to worry more about security and their views may change. And money translates to security.

As regards IHT, maybe look on the bright side that if you father leaves an estate that qualifies for IHT then that is probably going to mean quite a substantial amount to you, unless you have many siblings.

Yes I think you’re right, he just wanted to speak badly of her.

OP posts:
Lollytea655 · 17/09/2025 15:13

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:11

I couldn’t wait to gift as much of mine as I could legally to my children. That did happen it’s not a fantasy that changed when I was in receipt of the money.

Unless you are also 73, no you have not been in his position.

GaspingGekko · 17/09/2025 15:15

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:11

I couldn’t wait to gift as much of mine as I could legally to my children. That did happen it’s not a fantasy that changed when I was in receipt of the money.

I'm not sure you've understood my point.

I simply meant that your dad had strong opinions about giving away your money when you're old, before he'd actually faced that reality.
And I was thinking of things like cosleeping, dummies, screen time as things that people judge in parents, then change their opinion once they have children.

wonderingwhatsnext · 17/09/2025 15:15

DM has always been quite a generous parent but the older she gets the less generous she is
I think it stems from a fear of running out of money before she dies and I totally understand that. She was a sahm and then self employed so had minimal retirement income.

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:16

Lollytea655 · 17/09/2025 15:13

Unless you are also 73, no you have not been in his position.

So when I reach 73 I’ll suddenly stop wanting to enjoy my children having a little financial help? That doesn’t sound like much fun. I mean I’m in my 50’s so it seems unlikely that I will become a completely different person but okay.

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 17/09/2025 15:20

The cost of care in old age is astronomical.

He probably does not consider himself in a position to give away funds which he may need to pay for a comfortable care home for himself in the future

PedanticPolly · 17/09/2025 15:22

Give not gift. You give a gift.

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:22

wonderingwhatsnext · 17/09/2025 15:15

DM has always been quite a generous parent but the older she gets the less generous she is
I think it stems from a fear of running out of money before she dies and I totally understand that. She was a sahm and then self employed so had minimal retirement income.

I understand that.

OP posts:
Lollytea655 · 17/09/2025 15:24

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:16

So when I reach 73 I’ll suddenly stop wanting to enjoy my children having a little financial help? That doesn’t sound like much fun. I mean I’m in my 50’s so it seems unlikely that I will become a completely different person but okay.

You could be really surprised- and that’s the whole point.

It becomes more than just money for lots of people in their old age, it becomes the only control or safety they feel they have.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 17/09/2025 15:26

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:09

He certainly doesn’t have 20 years to live or that would be a medical miracle tbh but I understand your point of view.

Is he terminally ill, then? If so, it would have been a useful thing to mention in your op if you genuinely want people's opinions, because it changes things. If he isn't, what do you mean?

Changedforcontroversialpost · 17/09/2025 15:28

Nope he’s not but he won’t live 20 years. That’s not a difficult concept surely?

OP posts:
parietal · 17/09/2025 15:33

Care in old age can be very expensive. If he is sensible, he will save for that instead of relying on state care (or children who seem to just want cash).

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 17/09/2025 15:33

Naws · 17/09/2025 15:04

He’s 73.

He could well have another 20+ years of life to get through and finance.

How you can spend his money for him isn’t really something you should be thinking about.

This. He could require funds for carers, adaptations to his homes, anything.

dammit88 · 17/09/2025 15:36

He’s only 73!

He may want to ensure he can pay for care when he older.

earn your own money!