Inheritance

[Changedforcontroversialpost]

I know this will be controversial already. I also accept that there will be strong views.
I am struggling to understand my Dad’s mindset to be honest. So, my Dad has always said that you can’t take money with you, his parents said the same thing and were generous whenever they came into any money - gifting us a few hundred pounds as children when they sold their house for example (30+ years ago) He berated my Mother’s (divorced) choices about hoarding money and when she passed there was a significant amount of money that inheritance tax needed to be paid on. He has always said things like ‘why didn’t she just take you on holiday?’ ‘Why didn’t she gift you some money towards a car?’ Because essentially she then paid tax on her earnings, tax on her savings and then inheritance tax on those savings even though she worked all her life in manual, not-well paid jobs. However, he has just sold his house, he lives in a place where he is extremely unlikely to be removed from and he is 73. When I asked him if he had plans to holiday or travel the world he basically said that he plans to just save the money. Of course this is completely and utterly his right but I simply can’t get my head around it. He would be gutted to have to pay any inheritance tax and he would never want the money to go to anyone other than his children. It doesn’t make sense to me that he would hang onto it instead of sensibly gifting it (within the parameters of the law) and enjoying seeing it be put to use. He has implied all his life that he thinks it’s strange to sit on money when reaching old age but now he is doing just that.

AIBU to think it’s odd? That he had such strong views about it when my Mum did the same thing but now is following the same path? I’m not desperate for money that is a promise and I will never begrudge this, just curious if anyone has encountered someone similar.

It’s a bit of a stretch to think that my post implies I don’t have any money. Did you miss the bit where my Mum left so much money that IHT needed to be paid? I have also worked and continue to work since I was 16.

A good point actually.

I think at his age I would hold onto money too. I imagine post-retirement age can feel a bit scary when anything could break at any time from gas boiler to electrics etc. aAlso I know a few retired people who have had knee replacements and hip replacements done through pay as you go private health because they haven’t wanted to be stuck on nhs waiting lists for years. A lot can go wrong 70+ and perhaps if he needed a nursing home in the future he understandably wants the best on offer.
Also 70 is the new 50/60 - he could have decades left even in poor health.

Yeah I do get what people are saying. I think it’s just so far away from what he’s always said and claimed he felt like. I’m not suggesting he give all his money away (you’re not allowed to anyway) but I find it difficult to understand why he wouldn’t get pleasure from gift some to his grandkids and Great Grandkids after a lifetime of saying ‘you can’t take it with you’ but ultimately it’s his choice.

I know many older persons who are stock piling their money to enable them to have some control over their potential
care needs should they need it.
Have you seen how much carers cost ?
Have you seen how much decent care homes cost?
It is all very well saying spend all your money and leave it to the state to fund- but this has limits ( usually max 4 calls a day, limits on available homes)
My neighbour who has dementia has been able stay in her own home for last 2 years as she had the money for a full time live in carer service.
To be blunt, I rarely see any relatives stump up the cash to help with parents care costs and it is so expensive, even though they would happily accept cash/ gifts from them.
His future is unknown

I mean I’m in my 50’s so it seems unlikely that I will become a completely different person but okay.

But people do change their minds about things when they get older. See also: "I won't be asking MY children to provide care for me when I'm old" and when the person gets old and frail enough to need care, they want their kids to do it because they are familiar and not strangers!

It's easy to say when you feel strong and healthy and in no need of any sort of care - but when you are struggling to do things you've done easily all your life, and you need someone to do things you are physically incapable of... then the person doing it is all important, and your brain is changing through age and you're not as confident as you were, or you're generally more anxious and scared of change... then the familiarity of family becomes so much more desirable.

We do change as we get older, in all sorts of ways, so a change of heart regarding your income is perhaps not to be wondered at. It's a shame your Dad doesn't feel able to spaff some cash on a holiday, perhaps he genuinely feels comforted by its being safely in the bank.

Obviously don't know exactly what the issues is with your dad's health but if you (and the other poster who referred to this) are basing your assumptions on lifestyle choices I really wouldn't.

My mum smoked from the age of 21, is overweight, has insulin dependent type 2 diabetes, high BP, high cholesterol, underactive thyroid, kidney function issues and had a heart attack 8 years ago which could only be partially stented because she's an absolute liability even under sedation!

She is still going strong, living independently with no assistance, tech savvy and has a 69yo FWB!

Lifestyle choice doesn't mean you won't reach a ripe old age!

I was going to say similar. My Great Aunt has all the health conditions you have listed and eats junk food all day and has always been lazy. Really thought she wouldn’t see 70, but she is nearly 90 now and her husband has smoked since he was 9 years old and is in his 90s!

Perhaps he's thinking of potential care costs now he's older. Might as simple as that

I’ve recently retired and have more money than I’ve ever had in my life, but it comes with the realisation that it has to last ME a long time.

There’s about a 2-3% chance of a male living to the age of 93 and that’s without lifelong health conditions and an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. There’s a reason we say things like ‘my great xxxx lived to…’ or ‘my friends Grandad lived xxxx’ and that’s because they are anomalies. I don’t want to out him or give my Dads health details to people I don’t know but I am 97% certain he won’t live to 93. I will come back and update the post if it’s still active when he passes 😂 that will be after I’ve cared for him in my home and we’ve had to sort his muddled up finances and paid his IHT!

You should have mentioned earlier that he's living with you OP, if he's not paying care home fees then a lot of previous posts aren't really relevant

Maybe your DF thinks why give it to you now if you don't actually need it. Presumably you will inherit it when he dies and will get it eventually.

Some parents might want to spend money on things that everyone can enjoy together, like group holidays to share with the family (which is a whole other can of Mumsnet worms).

My DF is 92, still living independently, owns his own house outright and has enough money to live comfortably for the next 10 years at least - even if he needs to go into a care home.

Both my brother and I are comfortably off, we don't need him to give us money so why would he? I'm sure he would give some to us if we needed it, but if you are below the IHT threshold and your family don't need it I don't know why people would expect you to give money away.

Honestly OP you've made yourself sound awful here.

Just keep your eyes off his wallet and get on with spending your own money.

What he does or doesn't do with his, is none of your business.

Your poor dad - I think there is a reason he hasn’t started handing over his money - you sound heartless.

He doesn’t live with me but will when he becomes unable to live alone.

I’m not heartless at all, you just don’t like that I gave you some facts about how many people actually live that long so you’ve turned to personally insulting me.

No, I said it because you put the crying laughing emoji after talking about updating the thread when he passes and sounding like you were gleefully predicting when your own father would die earlier based on statistics, rather than hoping he would live to a good age - as I said, heartless.

I think its very common for people at this age to increasingly worry about the rising costs of everything and the potential need to pay for care. Pretty much every older person I've ever known, including rather well off ones, have very cautiously started stockpiling money because they need the comfort of knowing the money is there if needed.

Totally understand what you’re saying. Presumably though your Dad didn’t spend his entire life saying ‘you can’t take it with you’ I have spent years listening to him moaning about those who save their money, those who live more frugally than necessary etc. I would love him to go on the holiday of a lifetime whilst he can (not with me, I don’t want to go). I find it difficult to understand him see his Grandaughter struggle despite her working FT and being really sensible with money when he could afford to treat her a little bit and still have plenty of money. He has spent years saying he would love to go on holiday with all of us but he still doesn’t want to pay to go! It’s hard to explain really and I knew it would be hard for people to understand.

I have a sense of humour.

I completely understand and do not think you are being unreasonable OP. It’s the massive swerve of position. Of course he’s entitled to do that, and of course there are various explanations why your DF’s mindset might have shifted, but I don’t think you are unreasonable if you are left feeling bemused by it all..

Thank you. I expected a mixed reaction and I expected some people to say I’m after his money. I’m a big girl and I can handle it. I’m pleased I posted because I’ve genuinely took some of the points on board.

Whatever happened to the word "give"?

<misses point>

Encourage him to treat himself with his money. Explain to him that if he doesn't, you will end up losing a chunk to inheritance tax.

If he knows the situation, and knows that some of the money will be lost, it's absolutely up to him what he does with it.

73 isn't really old enough to be throwing money away to be honest. And you seem a little bit grabby.