Inheritance - has something shifted?

[NepoInlaw]

My 80 something in-laws have over the years inherited quite a few times. From parents, friend bequests, siblings.
As far as I'm aware these were all straight forward, no conditions, nothing complicated, straight in the family pot. Inherited from both sides.
Sometimes these sums were enough for a holiday, sometimes more significant.
They've just redone their wills and gone down a Complicated trust route, so that only 'blood' relatives benefit.

Having bought Xmas presents, hosted and done heavy lifting for 30 years when their son is crap I am a little miffed.

I figured I'd be the one picking out their care home for them, so what's caused their loss of confidence or trust. Has there been a generational shift?

This. The wifework is done in anticipation not of money, but of the expectation that your marriage is respected and you are seen as a partnership, with the implicit financial implications (but not necessarily expectations) that brings.

By accepting the wifework, you giving your children their surname (I imagine?) and then them going out of their way to create a legal framework to overcome the standard legal implications of your marriage to their son (that you will be the sole beneficiary of his will when he dies if he dies before you and vice versa) they have breached the implicit expectations you had when you married your husband. It is a vulnerability of marriages where wealthy in-laws are present that isn't discussed enough and it isn't neutral.

You’re right, but divorce is a common thing.

Say a parent dies, leaving their estate to their grown up child who's married and child free. After the grown up child has inherited, say their marriage fails for whatever reason. Marriage being what it is - a financial contract - assets are then split in the divorce and financial settlement. Say he then goes off and marries someone else and has children with them, then eventually dies. The children of his new marriage are directly benefiting from the estate of his ex wife's parents, i.e not their blood line.

This is why will trusts are often created.

Im normally the first person to say it's their choice.

But this is really offensive. It would force me to reevaluate my relationship with them.

That doesn't make it acceptable for parents to undermine their adult childrens' chosen relationships/marriage.

Plus, that isn't the tone used when women are on here talking about their awful PILs, is it?

In fact, I'm going to link to this thread every time there is an 'my PILS are making a fuss about Xmas plans' thread in the next three months, and remind those women: 'divorce is a common thing and your husband could leave you tomorrow, so its not like you really owe them anything. They aren't real family are they?' etc.

@ThisTaupeZebra thats fair. I think the difference is that by default, will writing is about planning for all types possibilities that may or may not happen in future, whereas spending time with in laws at Christmas is about supporting your spouse and children to facilitate their family relationships and just having a nice time.

@NepoInlaw Instead there's a Trust which I don't have the full details of but the siblings can distribute according to need with age restrictions. Aside from the grief, logistics of selling run down character property and normal life, chuck in everyone arguing over who's need is greatest and they will be tearing each other apart. Be as long as the potentially divorcable in-laws don't get a seat at the table.
This has massive implications because one sibling is out for every penny, the other is a spend today forget tomorrow, DH says he isn't motivated by money but that's optimism because we've never had a lot.

I must admit, I dont like the way they seem to have done this trust!! they should at least have made 3 equal trusts for each of the siblings to be distributed by them towards house purchases or holidays or whatever and divvying up for their own children. I see your point about bil being left in debt by overspending wife and then not having debt paid by trust because sil has died anyway, and she has spent on the strength of the trust. feel they have been given bad advice. equal sums to each sibling. none of this you already have so you dont need stuff!! that just makes the one not receiving feel unloved/

Having bought Xmas presents, hosted and done heavy lifting for 30 years when their son is crap I am a little miffed.

I’d stop all that. You’ve been with their son for 30 years and they still don’t trust you so fuck them. Tell DH you won’t be hosting or buying them presents this year.

My MIL gifted me and SIL and her daughter with valuable jewellery despite my protests. I would have been happy for her to leave it all to her daughter but was touched that she treated me like a daughter.

She’s not asking to be in the will. I bet PIL will be moaning if OP stops hosting them and cleaning their gutters and buying them presents. it’s OP’s time, OP’s choice.

She’s not asking to be in the will. I bet PIL will be moaning if OP stops hosting them and cleaning their gutters and buying them presents. it’s OP’s time, OP’s choice.

DH parents did this and I was pissed off as my parents will include DH by name.
But they did it because dsil changes husbands like there is no tomorrow and they didn't want one of these random chancers to benefit.
DH will be able to take all his share out of the trust at any point and give it all to me if he wants.

Irrelevant response.

Then I guess it takes one to know one.

Irrelevant response.

I agree. It’s certainly their choice but so it is also OP’s choice of whether to continue the same close relationship with them. It’s not about the money, it’s about what it signifies about their relationship. It’s understandable it would feel hurtful to the OP.

I haven't read the whole thread but in case it hasn't been mentioned Reeves is looking to fleece the IHT for more in the budget by all accounts. Anyone worried might now be looking at ways to mitigate differently, if there are ways when we don't know how much she will be taking... My suspicion is it will be dropped from £350k for a single person to £250k, meaning more people will have to pay and plan as most people's houses are worth that or more.

DM encouraged me to make a will 35 years ago when I was pregnant by offering to pay for it even though I was married - I used the family solicitor that they and my grandparents had always used and it all seemed very complicated with lots of what ifs and blood lines - things in trust etc
I redid my will a few years later when I became a lone parent and it was so much simpler with a different solicitor
I changed my will in more recent times as DC are adults with partners/husbands and may have offspring in the future - it all got complicated again as now there’s more money and things like inheritance tax etc to consider

In this case they benefited from lots of inheritances

Thanks. Kind of defeats the point of marriage tho.

I just thought the whole point of marriage was that on divorce each party is taken care of out of the marital pot. Housing needs, earning potential etc.

Perhaps on divorce judge would say since he has that huge inheritance wife then gets more of joint assets? I mean, that's the whole point of the marriage contract. One of the main ones anyway.

My dad and his wife have specifically amended their will to leave 1/4 of their estate to his wife’s daughter-in-law. In their case, my dad’s wife’s son died so I suppose they see it as his ‘share’ going to his wife rather than him.

Just to reassure you OP, when it comes to clearing out and selling the property, no doubt your husband and his siblings will expect your help . To pop on your marigolds and do the cleaning and take things to the charity shop or recycling, to help find a care Horne and do the weekly visits .

Just remember then that you are not really family and you can’t be trusted.

I disagree that it’s transactional. If you have created someone else as a part of your close family for years and years, it’s hurtful when they demonstrate that they clearly see you as an outsider and naturally makes you question that relationship.

My Mother divorced in the 1950’s, it was incredibly rare for regular folk to divorce then. It’s just practical isn’t it when 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Divorce much later in life is on the rise, I have friends of 54, 56 and 59 all divorcing right now. The catalyst has been children leaving home. One couple had been together almost 35 years, different reasons but the children growing up was end game.

I think what has changed in recent years is that more older people are property owners at the point when they make their wills.

In the past they didn't have a lot to leave so a simple will at most was all that was required.

Now there is maybe a house, a pension fund. To the person writing their will, the sums can seem huge, especially when compared to their own parents or grandparents.

Solicitors wanting a slice of the pie, push complicated wills and trust funds at will makers. If the will maker is like my DM, they are easily flattered into seeing their 'estate' as being far more valuable than it actually is once divided over DCs and/or DGCs.

Deduct self funded care home fees (Easily £50k per year over and above pension income) and the only people who benefit are Solicitors.