Is it just me??

[MumInHer40s]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years (together for 20) and have 2 boys (13 and 10).

When we were first together he used to help out with cooking and cleaning etc but there's certain things that he just doesn't do - food shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning bathrooms! Don't get me wrong, there are things he does do - he likes to hoover so he does that and dusting (but not much else).
Most of the time, I just get on with whatever needs to be done in the house because I haven't got the energy for the same old conversations about who does more than the other!

However these last few months, I feel hes been doing less and less to help around the house. I had surgery a few weeks ago, so had gone shopping and planned all our meals for the week I'd be out of action, and discussed with him that he would need to take on the cooking that week while I couldn't. He agreed, but did make a comment that by day 3/4 I would probably be well enough to 'get back to normal'! So along comes day 4 of recovery and I'm in the kitchen making dinner - he was 'too tired' - even though he was off work that week (mainly because it was still the summer holidays but also to 'look after' me). The whole time I was recovering, I think only once or twice he asked how I was doing and if I wanted/needed anything.

Fast forward to last night - he went to the kitchen to made himself a cup of tea. When he came back to the living room, I jokingly said to him "thanks for making me one". The reply I got was "well you heard me in the kitchen, if you wanted a cup of tea you should have asked". I said I didn't necessarily want one but it would have been nice if he had offered if he was going to make one. Then for the next hour he came back with various complaints about things that I do/don't do and an accusation from him that I'm controlling!!!

I don't think I'm a controlling person - I've just learned to get on with things because he wont do anything unless I ask him to (which usually then comes with a 'I do you so many favours'). He does also like to comment that he does far more than most of the men he knows!

I'm finding it all very exhausting at the moment. Whatever I say to him is the wrong thing and I always get accused or being 'nasty' or 'not caring' towards him. We've had conversations before about sharing more of the household stuff and it changes for a few days, maybe a week, but then it just goes back to how it was. Is it just me, am I being unreasonable???

They don’t do these things because they don’t like doing them. Therefore they justify bumping it over to the woman. Doesn’t matter how she feels about it.

To be honest I’m with him about the cup of tea…you could have asked for a cup instead of waiting to catch him out. Everything else, I agree. Seems like you need to sit down and have a proper chat about responsibilities instead of always building resentment towards each other.

Tbh it's down to you for setting such a low bar. I wouldn't tolerate what he's not doing, and as for failing to offer to make you a cup of tea, why put up with it?

One less child to skivvy for if he leaves would be a win ☺️

When we're both in the house, both I and my husband ask each other if we're making a hot drink, "Would you like a drink?", why on earth wouldn't you?

It's just basic politeness, anytime I make myself a hot drink I always offer!! Close family may well say "if your going, can I have.." which is fine but I would always offer.

exactly!! I was just trying to make this point and got bombarded with complaints!

Perhaps people do things differently in other houses? Is there only one right way of doing it?

There are clearly other issues at play with this couple that OP should focus on as the cup of tea is just a symptom of their other problems.

So you had surgery and in the whole recovery time he asked you once or twice if you needed anything? I would hit the roof and tell the uncaring cocksucker that he could just fuck right off and fuck off some more and then when he got there carry on fucking off as far as he could. Perhaps not straight away but it would lead up to that.

Sounds like he now sees you as a domestic appliance and is a bit pissed off when you are faulty.

And he does more than other men he knows, I would quiz that as well, what men, how much do they do? Do they sit around in the pub discussing how many or how few chores they have done this week? Are these actual real men in his life or just some online "put your woman in her place" men?

And we all like hoovering, it's the best of the domestic chores, but to get a room into hoovering state you need to clear the floor and everything else, run the hooover around for 5 minutes and hey presto done! It's not like buying, chopping, cooking, washing up a spag bol for 4 people is it?

This all depends on some degree on how much you and he work, and I don't think you saying "thanks for the offer of a tea" is a problem I think you were just trying to illustrate to him in a nudge way, "my needs really are not even on your radar are they". Did he go back and make you a tea? I would have made my H. And the teens would have looked on disapprovingly towards him.

I would also bring up that his actions as the male role model will be being noticed, even subconsciously, by your children, so if they are male they will think this is how men are, uncaring, bordering on dismissive when partner is recovering from surgery, and if they are female how you need to simper around a big man about the house because he has a golden penis and does not need to concern himself with trivial matters like food and clean clothes.

You need to figure out how you feel OP, what are your concerns and then talk to him seriously, if he says "this is it now I am not going to change" are you going to accept that? Would you throw the dice and say if you don't start being a loving husband, in all the ways a husband should be, I'm outta here?

There is not a job in the house the DH hasn’t done
if I am away or poorly he will do the lot
otherwise we spend about the same amount of time working

I'm sorry he wouldn't even take responsibility when you had surgery. It's sad that he's like that and uses you.

He’s not doing these things because you’ve never called him up on the fact he doesn’t.

Start saying things like “DH the bathrooms needs cleaning today, I’ll do upstairs whilst you do downstairs.”

”DH if you get next weeks meal plan list prepped I’ll go and do the food shop this afternoon”

”DH I’ll cook dinner Monday and Tuesday and you can do Wednesday and Thursday.”

It's basic good manners to ask if other people want a drink if you are making one.
Rude and selfish if you don't. Or else being deliberately nasty!

It's dismal that you were laid up recovering from surgery and he wasn't pulling his weight.

I think you should set up a household tasks rota, that evenly splits everything amongst all four of you. The kids can do certain things and they should get into the habit of it. He needs to lead by example.

There's nothing controlling about wishing your husband didn't think he can palm off every boring but essential task on someone just because they are female.

I agree.

This.

Look at your phrasing, OP. (And I mean this helpfully, because you sound ground down and are still recovering from surgery.) You keep talking about him 'helping out' with cooking and cleaning, as if it's all your job, and he's just giving a hand. It's every bit as much his job as your job to keep the house clean, buy and cook food, and look after your children. He's not doing you a favour here. It's his job, his house, his children, his responsibility.

I mean, I don't do any of the cooking or food shopping here, unless DH is away. Neither of us cleans or irons -- we have a cleaner who does that. None of those things are my job because I have a vagina.

But she didn’t want a cup of tea? She wanted to catch him out. Which as I have pointed out is a symptom of a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Nothing to do with manners and everything to do with two people trying to catch each other out and building resentment.

Whether she wanted a cup of tea or not isn't the point. It's the fact he didn't ask.

I didn't want to catch him out - just wanted him to realise that it wasn't very nice not offering. I offer him one every time and I often bring him tea without even asking him. It would just be nice if it happened the other way around too.

Yes I have been thinking about this. The boys are getting a bit lazy too because they can see that he's not doing things so why should they!

Don't let that happen! You'll be doing them a massive disservice. They won't be able to have a decent partner if they don't pull their weight and know how to do basic household tasks.

Regardless of the politeness about offering a cup of tea, the fact he immediately invalidated your point, dismissed your concerns and replied with a load of "well you always do x" is the bigger problem. 👌

Yes, in the case of the tea, I think there is a right way to do it. And that’s to offer your partner a drink. I am aghast that anyone wouldn’t think to do this.

OP he sounds like a useless partner with a nice bit of abuse thrown in. I’m not surprised you’re fed up.

yes I agree - he does this a LOT! Then I somehow end up being the bad guy when I defend myself.

Like I said before I think it would be best if you sit down and discuss these problem rationally and calmly. I think the way to go about what you want to achieve was not the best, but I fully understand where you are coming from. Having been in your position before I simply want to advise you to change the approach otherwise you are putting your husband on the defensive and you will be unlikely to achieve what you want. Sit down and have a rational and calm discussion about responsibilities where each of you gets to put your point across. As you have seen, what you did with the tea did not have the effect you wanted.

I totally agree and believe me - I've tried to have these discussions before. I suppose I just wanted some validation that I'm not being unreasonable