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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it just me??

47 replies

MumInHer40s · 17/09/2025 11:44

My husband and I have been married for 15 years (together for 20) and have 2 boys (13 and 10).

When we were first together he used to help out with cooking and cleaning etc but there's certain things that he just doesn't do - food shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning bathrooms! Don't get me wrong, there are things he does do - he likes to hoover so he does that and dusting (but not much else).
Most of the time, I just get on with whatever needs to be done in the house because I haven't got the energy for the same old conversations about who does more than the other!

However these last few months, I feel hes been doing less and less to help around the house. I had surgery a few weeks ago, so had gone shopping and planned all our meals for the week I'd be out of action, and discussed with him that he would need to take on the cooking that week while I couldn't. He agreed, but did make a comment that by day 3/4 I would probably be well enough to 'get back to normal'! So along comes day 4 of recovery and I'm in the kitchen making dinner - he was 'too tired' - even though he was off work that week (mainly because it was still the summer holidays but also to 'look after' me). The whole time I was recovering, I think only once or twice he asked how I was doing and if I wanted/needed anything.

Fast forward to last night - he went to the kitchen to made himself a cup of tea. When he came back to the living room, I jokingly said to him "thanks for making me one". The reply I got was "well you heard me in the kitchen, if you wanted a cup of tea you should have asked". I said I didn't necessarily want one but it would have been nice if he had offered if he was going to make one. Then for the next hour he came back with various complaints about things that I do/don't do and an accusation from him that I'm controlling!!!

I don't think I'm a controlling person - I've just learned to get on with things because he wont do anything unless I ask him to (which usually then comes with a 'I do you so many favours'). He does also like to comment that he does far more than most of the men he knows!

I'm finding it all very exhausting at the moment. Whatever I say to him is the wrong thing and I always get accused or being 'nasty' or 'not caring' towards him. We've had conversations before about sharing more of the household stuff and it changes for a few days, maybe a week, but then it just goes back to how it was. Is it just me, am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:

Craftysue · 17/09/2025 13:03

My mum in law had 2 boys and they were expected to do everything around the house - she worked full time and everyone chipped in. There's nothing that my husband hadn't done.My kids have been brought up to do the same. It's a very important life skill in my opinion

Original poster

MumInHer40s · 17/09/2025 13:05

frozendaisy · 17/09/2025 12:25

So you had surgery and in the whole recovery time he asked you once or twice if you needed anything? I would hit the roof and tell the uncaring cocksucker that he could just fuck right off and fuck off some more and then when he got there carry on fucking off as far as he could. Perhaps not straight away but it would lead up to that.

Sounds like he now sees you as a domestic appliance and is a bit pissed off when you are faulty.

And he does more than other men he knows, I would quiz that as well, what men, how much do they do? Do they sit around in the pub discussing how many or how few chores they have done this week? Are these actual real men in his life or just some online "put your woman in her place" men?

And we all like hoovering, it's the best of the domestic chores, but to get a room into hoovering state you need to clear the floor and everything else, run the hooover around for 5 minutes and hey presto done! It's not like buying, chopping, cooking, washing up a spag bol for 4 people is it?

This all depends on some degree on how much you and he work, and I don't think you saying "thanks for the offer of a tea" is a problem I think you were just trying to illustrate to him in a nudge way, "my needs really are not even on your radar are they". Did he go back and make you a tea? I would have made my H. And the teens would have looked on disapprovingly towards him.

I would also bring up that his actions as the male role model will be being noticed, even subconsciously, by your children, so if they are male they will think this is how men are, uncaring, bordering on dismissive when partner is recovering from surgery, and if they are female how you need to simper around a big man about the house because he has a golden penis and does not need to concern himself with trivial matters like food and clean clothes.

You need to figure out how you feel OP, what are your concerns and then talk to him seriously, if he says "this is it now I am not going to change" are you going to accept that? Would you throw the dice and say if you don't start being a loving husband, in all the ways a husband should be, I'm outta here?

thank you for this - its really made me realise that I'm not going crazy and I shouldn't have to put up with it. It really concerns me as my boys are getting older how its influencing them.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumInHer40s · 17/09/2025 13:06

MumInHer40s · 17/09/2025 13:05

thank you for this - its really made me realise that I'm not going crazy and I shouldn't have to put up with it. It really concerns me as my boys are getting older how its influencing them.

Show quote history

And also - we BOTH work full time!

OP posts:

Empress13 · 17/09/2025 13:09

LoveWine123 · 17/09/2025 11:50

To be honest I’m with him about the cup of tea…you could have asked for a cup instead of waiting to catch him out. Everything else, I agree. Seems like you need to sit down and have a proper chat about responsibilities instead of always building resentment towards each other.

Oh purleasse course you ask your partner if she’s sitting there if she too fancies a cuppa Good Lord!

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/09/2025 13:10

In my experience, when your partner accuses you of something, especially in the heat of the moment, it is usually one of their faults.

CalmHiker · 17/09/2025 13:15

Francestein · 17/09/2025 11:48

They don’t do these things because they don’t like doing them. Therefore they justify bumping it over to the woman. Doesn’t matter how she feels about it.

who's "they"? How many husbands does the OP have?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2025 13:18

Hi OP

Ultimately if he doesn't change, what do you want to happen? Would you split over this or just out up with it? If the former I think you need to consider telling him just how much this resentment is building up. And suggest a temporary split. If he has to live somewhere else for a while he might realise just how shit cooking is every single day.

The not showing caring about you after your surgery is a red flag for me, if you can't rely on your partner to look after you when you're ill, then what's the point? His actions show all he really cares about is your role in his life (that hopefully you'll be well enough to cook him dinner) rather than a person of your own.

I think it's OK if someone doesn't do certain tasks as long as they more pull their weight in other areas that their partner doesn't like doing. But this has to be a fair division of labour time and energy wise (mowing the lawn once a week for half an hour doesn't make up for not cooking v every day for half an hour) and tasks that everyone hates have to be shared.

If you won't consider splitting then I think counselling is needed at the very least. You should be able to raise genuine issues without the other party getting defensive and going on the attack.

I'd have a proper sit down meeting with him and tell him how unhappy you are-

that he didn't seem to genuinely care about you when you were recovering
that you feel you do more
that whenever you try and talk to him to try and find solutions he never qctually takes on board what your issues are just raises a list of complaints. I'd say before the meeting that he might have genuine issues with you and that's fine and have one discussion first about his issues, try and find a way to resolve these, then move on to your issues rhe next week. So he has had his chance to raise stuff and has got to actually listen. But counselling might help you both communicate better

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2025 13:19

Also what does he want? What's his solution to the problem? As ignoring it / telling you his problems with him hasn't changed your resentment in any way. Does he want to be married to someone long term who is unhappy with him? Does he want to be married with someone that he has a load of issues with ans who he thinks is controlling?

toomuchfaff · 17/09/2025 13:27

MumInHer40s · 17/09/2025 12:58

yes I agree - he does this a LOT! Then I somehow end up being the bad guy when I defend myself.

Show quote history

Toxic behaviour... google them and how to respond to them. Helped me immensely

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/09/2025 13:52

DaisyChain505 · 17/09/2025 12:30

He’s not doing these things because you’ve never called him up on the fact he doesn’t.

Start saying things like “DH the bathrooms needs cleaning today, I’ll do upstairs whilst you do downstairs.”

”DH if you get next weeks meal plan list prepped I’ll go and do the food shop this afternoon”

”DH I’ll cook dinner Monday and Tuesday and you can do Wednesday and Thursday.”

Hmmm..... the trouble with this approach is I suspect the OP could be accused of nagging because she would be acting like it was her job to delegate the work.

The husband needs to get the idea that he needs to step up without instruction and that the chores are as much his responsibility as OP's.

Maybe say something like "we need to work more like a team to get everything done. Then we can spend more time together relaxing. I'm feeling overwhelmed with chores. Which ones could you take on this week?"

DaisyChain505 · 17/09/2025 15:50

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/09/2025 13:52

Hmmm..... the trouble with this approach is I suspect the OP could be accused of nagging because she would be acting like it was her job to delegate the work.

The husband needs to get the idea that he needs to step up without instruction and that the chores are as much his responsibility as OP's.

Show quote history

If I was accused of nagging by taking this approach I’d remind my husband that we are both equal adults in this home and partnership and we should both be pulling our weight to run the house and everything else and until he can do it without being asked I will keep reminding him of his daily responsibilities.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2025 15:56

Have you given any thought op to whether the life you are currently living, and have been, is more pleasant than being single? Because this is a terrible example for your boys too, so divorce would be better for them long term.

Katemax82 · 17/09/2025 18:40

LoveWine123 · 17/09/2025 11:50

Nonsense my son always offers me a tea or makes me one regardless..to wait to be asked is inconsiderate

nomas · 17/09/2025 19:08

Stop cooking for him or doing his washing (if you are). And stop the cups of tea.

You will soon be doing everything if you don’t put your foot down.

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 19:09

Shy bairns get nowt OP. Tell him you're not recovered enough to cook tea if you do it all then why would he do any household tasks?

AntiBullshit · 17/09/2025 19:10

Make us a brew love - not hard is it

Toesy · 17/09/2025 19:20

That is one lazy selfish waster you are with.

Sorry OP, but you have put up with too much for too long.

His treatment of you while ill should be your focus.
No man that really loved you would behave like this.

This is not someone to depend on long term.
I am not suggesting divorce.
But I would down tools.
Stop doing anything for him.
No cooking, shopping and laundry.

You have ceased to be his wife.
You are the house skivvy, the workhorse to be used.
That you work full-time is shocking.
What is the point of marriage if you are treated like this.

As for sex? How can you be near a man so selfish.
You need to take this as a huge wake up call.

Would you have treated him like this when he was ill?
No?

Then why would you model to your boys that women accept such shocking treatment?

Your treatment is what they will imagine is the norm.
Your husband is a dusgrace.
He DARVO's you, which is what selfish arseholes do.

He hasn't the decency to admit it.
His go to is to shut you down and deny the truth.

Total and utter loser.

You mind yourself.
He couldn't give a toss about you.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 17/09/2025 19:24

WhoTF makes themselves a cup of tea without offering their partner? It is pig ignorance.

MaddestGranny · 18/09/2025 18:40

Maybe you can find a women's group or class on assertiveness in your area? It would help you to have some ongoing solidarity from other women while you start learning how:- - always - to respond assertively; how to "stay in your adult"; how not to be pushed/triggered/manipulated/goaded into being either passive or aggressive; how to stand your ground and assert your point of view; how to say "No"; how to do "broken record". You can find all of this on the internet - just google "assertiveness training for women" or something like that. Get hold of a copy of the book "A Woman In Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson. You can do self-learning but it's so much better if you can find a group. Assertive skills are skills which can be learned. They take a while to become habitual - like learning to drive/bicycle/type - it all takes time and lots of repetition. Hence, best to have the support of a group and a trainer.

Also, google Transactional Analysis & read up a bit about it. Read "Games People Play" by Eric Berne and "I'm OK, You're OK" by Thomas Harris.

You're still young. Think about whether you're going to put up with this treatment for the rest of your life. Sounds like he's no longer good enough for you. He needs to shape up. Or you might think about shipping out yourself - there's a world out there.

good luck, OP.

Laurmolonlabe · 18/09/2025 21:42

I hate to say it but he just sounds bloody bone idle to me- none of what you have said is unreasonable. It's shape up or ship out time by the sounds of it.

Straycats · 19/09/2025 06:41

LoveWine123 · 17/09/2025 11:50

Bull…. he could have gone to kitchen for a hundred different reasons!
Husband and I wouldn’t dream of not making teas or coffees for each other.
I was laid up for three months and my hubby did everything whilst working from home.
Hate how people excuse bad behaviour, lazy partners as you have done, he has been s hit and to go on the attack whilst she’s recuperating is inexcusable!

Barney16 · 19/09/2025 07:22

He sounds lazy. He's getting at you because he's had to do "extra" and he doesn't like it.

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