To say if my 17yo drops out of college he'll have to move out?

[DavDubya]

I don’t even know where else to turn with this. My son is 17 and honestly it’s been one problem after another since he was about 15. He was smoking weed when he was out with his mates and drinking whenever he could get away with it. Always round his girlfriends house back then and when I tried to set proper rules he would just bugger off to his dads for longer. His dad doesn’t give a toss, he thinks school isn’t important anyway and he loves playing the cool parent, except he’s hardly there because he’s off on some “holiday” or TikTok thing. So my son ends up basically unsupervised and I look like the bad guy.

He failed his GCSEs really badly which was gutting because he’s clever when he puts his mind to it, but he just doesn’t care. He started college this year and already he’s talking about dropping out, like it’s nothing, just shrugs at me. I’ve shouted, I’ve cried, I’ve begged, I’ve reasoned, I’ve tried ignoring it. Nothing works. His ex-girlfriend even told me he treated her badly and when I tried to tell him he just laughed like it didn’t matter.

I feel like my house is just chaos and I’m sick of him taking zero responsibility. His dad undermines me at every turn and I end up being the one dealing with everything. So I said to him last night, if you drop out of college you don’t get to sit here doing nothing all day. You either get a job straight away or you’ll have to move out. He just looked at me and said “whatever.”

I don’t want to kick my child out but I honestly feel like he thinks he can do whatever he wants because there’s no consequences. AIBU to say if he drops out then he has to go live with his dad full time or get out and stand on his own two feet

YANBU at all its like banging your head against a bloody brick wall when it gets to this point.

Can you stop paying for any extras now? Phone? Treats? Though I know that can make things worse for you when it's already bloody impossible.

hugs

Where is he getting the money for weed and drinking if he doesn't have a job? Put a stop to that shit, right now. Stop paying for his phone, stop paying for everything. All you have to do is provide shelter, food, water and sanitation.

He'll soon feel the pressing need to get a job when he can't afford to do anything.

Has he considered that he will have no income at all if he does this as the child benefit stops and of course you won't be giving him money. He won't be able to claim UC as living with family. If he leaves he is in danger of joining the ranks of dysfunctional youth who become increasingly unemployable and are generally homeless or sofa surfing. Could you suggest he finds an apprenticeship and then leaves college. What is the reason he doesn't like college? It's too easy now for them to spend all night gaming and sleeping all day so if this is thing, turn off the WiFi at night.

I can't imagine how hard it must be and my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately I think you're on the right lines with telling him its a job or move out if he leaves college. He probably doesn't think you're serious. Show him that you are. Take away any money for extras that you may be giving him and advise on how much notice you will give if he does not look for work. You have to draw boundaries now. So many youth today seem to be like this and its not your fault, something is badly wrong with society now.

Could you phrase it more as 'if you drop out of college you must have a back up plan in the form of a job'.

You can only do so much - dragging a horse to water and all that. You have made your position clear. If he drops out, he either gets a job immediately or moves out because you will not tolerate him lying around all day doing nothing. Fair enough.

I have a friend who had this exact same issue with her son. When he tested her by dropping out, she packed all his stuff into bin bags and dropped him round at his father's house, then changed the locks.

It took him 5 years to sort his shit out and with hindsight I was very impressed with her resolve. She wouldn't have been doing him any favours if she hadn't followed through with the clear consequence.

I really feel for you. I found this age also really difficult. Like your son, mine left school with barely any qualifications, went to college but didn’t apply himself at all and ended up leaving. He was up to all sorts and it was an era of parenting I found especially hard.
I picked my battles and had to overlook an awful lot. The one non negotiable was he had to either be at college or working. Once he left college we did not subside him at all except for food and housing. If he was at college we supported him financially but once he left that was it. No money for phone, Netflix, socialising, clothes etc. Anythibg he wanted he had to earn and he did. I would say unless you will definitely follow through with the move out threat it is just hollow and he will know that. Realistically unless he goes to his dad (which doesn’t sound ideal either) there is no where for a 17 year old to move out to.
For what it’s worth my son is now 24 and a lovely man. He returned to education and is currently at uni. Hang in there and try and focus more on yourself and just getting through.

This would be my approach too, but it can only work if his dad agrees not to give him money as well.

Looking into apprenticeships might also be a good option if work would suit him better than college.

If you tell him he needs to move out then you need to be prepared to follow through on thatm I feel really sorry for you.

Definitely say you'll cut off his allowance and stop paying for phone etc.

The fact is if he does quit college it's unlikely he'll suddenly develop the kind of get up and go that would be required to come across as a responsible employee.

There are thousands of very responsible student age kids who want to work and obviously they'll be on top of the list when it comes to jobs.

Are you funding his weed and alcohol purchases? If not, where does he get the money from, dealing?
It's a red flag that he has treated his GF badly, could be the weed
I would make him leave at 18 if he didn't shape up.

If he’s not academic and interested in studying then leaving college might save everyone’s time in the long run. I don’t think apprenticeships are that easy to get though and not something you can casually enter because you can’t be arsed with other subjects. My friends son is doing plumbing and he’s really had to hustle to find an apprenticeship and he was doing really well on his course and had lots of labouring experience and contacts. There aren’t tons of employers out there willing to employ a layabout because his mum wants him to have a job

I’d probably rein the emotional stuff in ( difficult because he doesn’t care about your feelings clearly). Remain super calm. This is his path to walk and he can walk himself right out the door to his dads.

Why not send him to live with his father anyway? Frame it as it being so they each get to enjoy the pleasure of each others company.
With him almost being an adult you don't need any communication with his father, so he no longer gets to undermine you. Just refer any queries he has, to your son.

Try asking him if there's anything he wants to do with his life. Anything- a particular job, or achievement or whatever. Point out you don't reckon he'll want to live with you in 10 years time - so where does he want to be living at 25 or 30.
If nothing forthcoming, then it doesnt have to be realistic.

Be completely clear with him : you will absolutely support him whilst he's genuinely trying to make something meaningful happen for himself, as long as you can afford it. But you'll not be giving him any money nor anything other than basic food & a roof over his head if he's just going to piss his life away on the Xbox or whatever. If
he doesn't start making some effort at college, or he gets an apprenticeship or job. He drops out, the money for anything other than bare essentials stops. If you can change wifi password as part of that, then do. Take it away at 11pm.

I really feel for you.

Honestly, I would let the college thing go. It happens and it's not the end of the world.

My eldest son did not return to college to complete of one his courses. I felt gutted at the time. He had a part time pub job that he enjoyed more and he wanted to work full time. Anyway, he dropped out of college, moved away to a lovely part of the country, got a job within a week and is living a very happy and healthy life now.

The stress you are feeling and the anger towards him is only harming you. He needs a job and a great mentor at work; someone who will inspire him.

I understand the feeling of chaos in your house but it won't always be like this. Don't reject him by kicking him out. Talk to him about what he would like to do with his life and try to work something out together. Let go of the stress and anger.

My son did the same.

There is nowhere else for 17 year olds to go. Nowhere they can rent; nowhere they can stay. Social services offers them nothing. They end up sofa surfing living in squats or on the street.

Everyone wondering where he's getting the money for weed: they deal. Or they shoplift and sell. Or they do other petty crime. I know mine was sucked into some benefit fraud. His bank account was frozen and it takes 7 years before another bank will offer you an account.

Noone want to employ 17 year olds who aren't in college. The requirement for them to be in education or training makes employers responsible for training them. They won't do that when there's an 18 year old available who doesn’t need training (or a 16 year old busy studying A levels). Seventeen year olds who are out of education are unemployable.

Mine was in his early 20s before he turned a corner. Now working and doing well.
I dont think our relationship will ever recover.

I would too, at least in 10 years when he realises he has wasted the opportunity to learn, he can't blame you.
You tried, actions have consequences.
It might help him see reasons to return to education in the future.

Not remotely unreasonable. And some good advice already which I’d second.

The only thing I’d add is that it hurts to fail. He only got his results a few weeks ago so I doubt he’s feeling very positive about himself especially if he knows he was more than capable of passing. Is he doing resits?

That’s not a reason to let him take the piss but with teens the immediate response is often “I don’t care” when the reality may be very different. Did you discuss it when he got his results and decided to go to college? What is he studying?

He sounds like he could be depressed OP.
I really feel sorry for him - must be hard not having a male role model, and experiencing such different parenting styles. He may not feel cared about (though of course you do care).
personally I’d be more supportive, try and engage him in positive plans rather than punishments.

This young person is being pulled from pillar to post by his parents ... no wonder his life is chaotic.
I am not apportioning blame here as I am sure the OP has done her best in a difficult situation, but it is clear he needs stability and not rejection.
Very hard to achieve given the circumstances I know, but throwing him out will achieve nothing good.

This sounds incredibly difficult and my heart goes out to you.

The trouble with your plan is will you actually follow through? If you make a threat that turns out to be empty I think you will end up in an even worse position.

Saying that though - if staying at college when he is clearly totally disinterested really the best thing for him? It sounds like without putting in the work he wasn’t able to scrape through GCSEs so is it really worth pushing college if it’s going to be a hell two years with nothing in the way of qualifications at the end? Could an option be ‘you need a plan or you’re out’? Would a trade or an apprenticeship appeal to him? Or even the armed forces?

Give him a taste of what real life with his qualifications will be. Charge him a deposit and a typical rent for a studio or house share in your area, and provide nothing on top; food, bills etc all have to be paid additionally. He also has to make all his own food, do his washing, clean his room. I give him 3 months before he realises he needs to go back to school if he wants a decent life for himself.

Shouted, cried, begged and reasoned??? I’m sorry OP but that all sounds really dramatic and OTT. I have a seventeen year old DD who has tried weed and alcohol … that’s normal at that age. But I had a talk with her about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. She’s just started college too and it takes a while to settle in. I can’t imagine threatening my DD with homelessness if they were to struggle and not realise the importance for their future.

Yep, kick him out. He’ll go off to his Dads and both will find out very quickly that full time together is not what they thought it would be.

I hope he proves you wrong in the future regarding your relationship.... It could improve when he's older... Don't give up.
I've also experienced all this with my son... No idea how I coped, but I got through and survived and only recently now he's in his 30's have things got better.. Hold on tight xxx