Found something in van

[Lemon22]

Hi so basically I wanna know what you lot think about this.
About 6 years ago partner went out for drinks with his work lot when our son was a newborn ,He came home obviously very drunk and fell asleep next to me while I was bf our son ,his phone was right next to me on the bed buzzing like maddd ,I tried to wake him up but he was way too boozed up to actually be awake ,I saw a text pop up on his screen “when do you want me to come” I was like erm what somebody better not be coming over in the middle of the night so I unlock his phone and find multiple messages saying the same sorta thing ,I’m like what the F ,all unknown numbers. I start googling all these numbers (21 of them he’d made outcalls too) they’re escorts. Right so after pacing about not sleeping when he finally wakes up I question him he says a work friend (this person was actually dodgy af) used his phone bc he had restrictions on his etc and was on a family plan or whatever with ex misses can’t remember the exact reason ,anyway I believed it for the most part when he profusely apologised and it sorta made sense like why would he ask them to come to ours ?? When I’m there ,anyway so we moved on until I scrolled through his gallery on the laptop one day ,we have kids together and I scrapbook so I was looking for things to print off done this so many times never had an issue with it and then he got real mad at me all of a sudden I was like erm what ? Suss bc this is new behaviour. I questioned him on why he was acting weird he said cause he’s ordered me stuff for Christmas ,okay nice so I drop it then Christmas comes round and I kid you not Xmas eve he’s panicking asking what I want for Christmas right ? So I tell him oh just get me some choccys I like ,Xmas day comes all I get is those choccys and an IOU ,Wouldn’t bother me at all accept obviously the situation either the gallery came flooding straight back ,I get suspicious I check his gallery again and he’s got screenshots of escorts on this booking site. I go to the booking site make a new account with his email ,Ofc it’s already registered I question him and he’s saying he was just looking bc the girl is someone he knew from school and was showing the lads. I’m actual dumb enough to believe this! Honestly anyway I took a picture of it myself and then some doubt popped in naturally so I go to the date that this thing was taken ,It was a day I’d fell out with him and stayed at my mums!!! Curiosity gets the better of me I check the box of condoms ,ones missing and some time had passed but I literally remember how many was in the box bc he got a vasectomy and I joked when he was given the go ahead for unprotected sx that we wasted money on the box now and there was this many left ,it really stuck out so I started doubting him ,anyway the trust issues were killing me so I left him ,when I left him his whole family thought I was horrible cause nothing was proven saying I’m being dramatic etc after about a year I end up getting back with him and I said obviously slow steps and I need to trust you again etc etc ,The kids were happy he’s a good dad aside from this he’s been good ,anyway so people got in my head and I thought okay I’ll give him a proper second chance cause like everyone said ,nothing was proven? Now I’m like erm what else could it have possibly been ?? Anyway the other day we had a BIG row because he accused me of cheating bc I got home from drinking with friends and I turned life 360 off ,We have it for the kids anyways I was drunk I wasn’t answering the phone bc it was loud (30th birthday party for a close friend) and he looked on there realised it was off it was off cause my battery was like 14% but I’d have thought he’d know that since it shows your battery status etc anyways we had a big row and he decided to leave for work ? In the middle of the night.luckily the kids were at his mums or he’d have left me drunk with them ,Okay whatever he goes to work then he comes home acting overly nice, way too nice ,I go to get something out the car and see he’s left like Maccies rubbish in his van and it was a weekend so I just use the van key (attached to the car key) grab the Maccies rubbish to put in the bin. He came running outside in just his boxers “WHY YOU GOING IN MY WORK VAN” I’m like erm to get this why you ran out like that ? He’s like cause I wanna make sure you lock it up properly ? So weird anyway so I’m like okay that’s suspicious af I leave it I don’t say anything or act in anyway suspicious I’m just like oh no problem sorry ,Then the next day when he’s out I go in the work van ,Ofc I find something weird. Condoms? Why would a man who’s had the snip in a 10 year relationship have those ?? I ask him and he says he don’t know. I said tell me honestly why there there he says must be someone who had the van before him. I remember everything about the escorts. I say show me your call log he shows me ,nothing weird there ,I say okay show me your online banking and he starts calling me a psycho ,Anyway I kick him out bc sorry but yeah you’re up to no good AGAIN I should’ve learned my lesson but hey ho,he keeps pleading to come back and I’m like no show me your banking. He says no then out of the blue he says oh I forgot but me and (work friend) got some food and I had to give him the cash. I was like okay I don’t really care then about a week after he says to me okay fine you can see my banking I just wanna come back you’re being unfair and shows me his bank and on that day that he left for work in the middle of the night after our row he widthdrew some money ,quite a lot. Now he’s saying it’s not suspicious bc he already told me about the dinner they had. Like how dumb does he think I am ,anyway I totally threw him out and once again everyone’s giving me the “there will be an explanation you’re being way too hard on him and he’s probably telling you the truth but knows how it’ll look so didn’t wanna show you his banking” bs and basically I know I haven’t proven* what happened but surely I’m right in suspecting and coming to the conclusion I have. Which is that he was mad at me for “cheating” bc he probably is and not only that he left and got some action off an escort?? And clearly has used them before. Surely I’m not being paranoid bc that’s clear as day from my perspective? I don’t feel I need to prove it any further ,that’s what it looks like ,Or am I being too hard 👀 sorry this is so long but I’m sick to death of him and his and my family making me out to be cruel and I wanna hear what you guys would do or think ,p.s he had his location off too which is ironic

Wish I knew the science though behind why men cheat on women they really love ? Weird isn’t it

It's not weird and there's no science. Men who really love a woman don't cheat.

Your pathetic excuse for a DP doesn't love you. He might say he does - but words are cheap. He's wasting family money on prostitutes. He doesn't love you or your children.

Mean

OP. Sounds very upsetting and painful. You know what to do. No more chances.

Also sounds like you're having a lot of interference from family which can't be helping. Can you tell them this is private and not their concern?

My kid is dyslexic and has ADHD but they can still use paragraphs and punctuation!

In this day and age with the phone/laptop correcting spelling and punctuation, it must be really hard to write such a long stream of text in the way the OP has.

Plus there are accessibility options available now, so there is really no reason not to set a message out in an accessible format.

I was just pointing out to her so that she knows that if you write your post in that way, many people won't even bother reading it and therefore she'll get less advice.

But you were not ‘just’ doing that. You were making it about you instead - ‘My brain hurts’…waaaah.

Please don’t be disingenuous. You were giving OP, whom you know to be in a very bad place, a needless smug kicking.

Her brain is likely to be hurting far more than yours is, and it will be for some time thanks to the plight in which she finds herself. Plenty of people have followed her story perfectly well and given excellent advice.

Stop discussing it with "people" whoever they are.
You know what he is doing, you have the proof. All you need to do is decide whether you are willing to put up with it.

Op, you don’t need any more ‘proof’ - you already have it, clear as day. You are not a court of law, you can dump the cheater any time and I suggest you do. You know what he’s up to, let him carry on, on his own! Staying will only mess your head and your kids heads right up. Surely you are all worth more.

And yes, I do have a processing disorder which is also why I found it hard to get past the first few lines of text and gave up!

Therefore, I have no proper idea of what she's writing about so I'm not trying to be mean. I was trying to get across to her that if you write like that, some people will give up on reading it!

Someone needs to let her know that writing a stream of text like that is not the most appropriate way to communicate.

Being upset doesn't mean you can't press the enter key 🙄

If it looks 💩and it smells 💩 it's 💩.

Of course he's paying family money to empty his bollocks into the bought bodies of prostituted women.

Your tone and writing style suggest he's gradually sending you round the bend.

You took him back = he learned you'd let him get away with anything.

Take some time away and think ... What am I worth? Respect, faithfulness, truth, committment, kindness?

Or lies, gaslighting, the danger of sexually transmitted disease, family money used this way? You're married - it isn't his money.

This is HIM. What an absolute piece of 💩.

Wish I knew the science though behind why men cheat on women they really love?

Because they don't "really love" them. End of story.

Thing is my dad was a rat since seen first hand the damage it does to kids and how he disrespected my mother ,I won’t let my kids see that happen to me

But they are doing? Because you have said it has been going on for 6 years?

He and his family are gas lighting you. Of course he is having sex with escorts. Do you actually have to catch him mid-thrust and take a photo/video before your/his families accept that he is a cheating, lying arsehole?

The evidence is overwhelming and your life will be so much better without this unfaithful twat in your life.

Op I would just say to his family that you have all the evidence you need and leave it at that.

You shouldn’t need to explain yourself, in fact they shouldn’t even know your personal business yet he seems to have told them a bs version and they are backing him.

That alone would be enough to end the relationship but add in the real story of what is actually going on with prostitutes and the fact he’s gaslighting you.

He doesn’t respect women because he’s getting kicks out of degrading them, he enjoys that enough to pay for it and risk losing you over it.
but he can only treat you like shit all the time you let him.

Thank god he’s using condoms but I’d still get yourself checked out for peace of mind.

Firstly I'm so sorry you've been through this , you know you are worth more . I'm sure many have seen me posting this numerous times but please read " reviews" of these poor , trafficked and abused women on a site called UK punting . Especially read the " poor/ bad " reviews. This is what men who buy sex really think of women , many who know they're trafficked and are having sex against their own will (yes my personal belief is that sex for money isn't consent and so I believe that's rape) . Your partner is not a good man , nor is he a good father , no one who uses these women are . Please read the reviews

THIS. And OP, men who "really love" their partners do NOT cheat on them.

Never mind. If you can't manage to read what OP has written but still feel the need to post this pointless comment, I doubt that you would have any useful/helpful insights to help and support her.

Every time someone questioned ne /tried to persuade id be telling them the truth! If they say you need proof, tell them you have enougb!

Do his family know WHY you've kicked him out?
Do they know he's paying for sex with prostitutes (escorts)?
Ask them why he needs condoms after having the snip and being in a long term relationship?
Is that someone their grandkids should look up to?,
He had his chances . Do NOT look back. Be the strong woman that you are showing everyone you are. X

You'll never trust him as he's continued to be up to no good, even after you've caught him. You don't need to give him chances on the say so of his family; you're allowed to want a partner who doesn't pay for sex, or be happily single. You don't need to put up with his shit just because you share kids.

I agree with everything you have to say re. @HartleyH and @Clearfruit but twice, in your posts, you've mentioned shame. I don't think the OP is feeling shame and nor should she. It's an odd thing to say.

Anyone telling you to believe him does not have your best interests at heart. You know he's seeing prossies and his excuses are absolutely moronic. It's a bad influence on your children if you stay. They don't want to see someone taking terrible behaviour.

Kick him out. He can go to his mum's or sleep at one of the prossies houses.

In less time that it took for you to post that reply, I copied the post in to chatgpt - hope it helps:

The user is sharing a story about their complicated relationship with their partner, which involves a lot of suspicions and trust issues stemming from past actions. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

• Background: The partner went out for drinks when their child was a newborn, returned home drunk, and while the user was breastfeeding, they noticed multiple suspicious texts on his phone from unknown numbers, which they later discovered were related to escorts.

• Initial confrontation: The partner claimed that a work friend had used his phone to contact these escorts, and the user initially believed him after he apologized and explained the situation.

• Suspicion grows: Later, the user found further suspicious evidence, including photos of escorts in the partner's gallery and a missing condom from a box (despite the partner having had a vasectomy). However, they gave him another chance, partly due to pressure from family and the lack of concrete proof.

• Recent events: The user’s suspicions resurface after an argument where the partner accused them of cheating. The partner also acted strangely when the user went into his work van and later found condoms in it, despite the vasectomy. They also noticed money being withdrawn from the partner’s bank account in a suspicious manner after a fight.

• Family and external pressure: Despite the mounting evidence, the user’s family is telling them they are overreacting and that the partner is probably telling the truth. This makes the user feel conflicted and frustrated.

• Conclusion: The user feels that their partner has likely been using escorts again, which is causing them to finally kick him out. They’re frustrated that they’ve been accused of being overly harsh, and they're seeking validation from others about whether they’re being too paranoid or if their suspicions are justified.

The user is trying to make sense of the situation and decide whether they’re justified in their suspicions or if they’re being too hard on their partner.

Men don't randomly look escorts up online, unless they have or are planning on using them. Your husband's work colleague didn't use his phone (he may be dodgy but it doesn't mean he uses escorts), those are calls your husband made. The texts he received, were because he'd at the very least had enquired after an escort's services. He refuses to show you his online banking, because he knows they're transactions that look suspicious. He's had a vasectomy, he doesn't need to use condoms, so there's no reason why they'd be in his van. Of course he's paying for sex!! I appreciate it's a hard pill to swallow for family members to accept that their son/SIL/sibling is paying for sex, but that is the reality here. He's disgusting. He's been paying for sex at least since your children were born, but probably since before you met, and throughout your relationship. He's lying, and he will continue to do so. He's not going to stop either.

Is he by any chance masking as the taxi driver porn guy?

It's none of his mum's business. No way would he have told her the full story and anyway she would always take his side, he's her son.
Why on earth would you want him to propose to you, knowing what you know?

1. The trail of crumbs leading to him having sex with sex workers could not be clearer.
2. You don't need 'evidence'. You can exit a relationship any time for any reason. Do you want to be with him? If not, dump him.

He is lying piece of shit who treats women as objects to buy for sex. He has no respect for you, and it's none of his Mum's business. He is a disgrace. She is a disgrace.

You can't continue with this level of distrust and being cheated on, it will destroy you

Save yourself and your kids.