Being taken advantage of.

[Leahloveschocolate]

I'm not sure whether I should be annoyed, but I feel annoyed.
About a year ago I befriended a homeless guy who was outside the supermarket. I felt so sorry for him, especially through winter.
I gave him change, but mainly food when I went in to do my shopping. I don't drive, so shop about 4 times a week, and every time I'd get him something small. When it was his birthday I made him a little hamper, with a cake etc. I used to like our conversations as I was happy to help, although I'm struggling financially.
I don't want praise for helping him, that was my choice, and I believe that you should always be kind.
About 3 months ago he finally got a place to live, I was SO happy for him. We exchanged numbers, and I got him a towel bundle as he didn't have any.
I bake celebration cakes as a hobby, he wanted one for his soon to be girlfriend, and I said it was free, despite it costing a fortune and a lot of time to make. Yet again, my choice, I was happy to do so, I just wanted him to turn his life around and be happy. And £10 as he said he didn't have electric.
I met him to give him the cake, and he turned up completely drunk holding a huge bottle of vodka.
It made me feel sick. I'm on universal credit, I've got kids, I can't afford a proper food shop, never mind a bottle of booze.
After that I finally realised I'd been played like a fool.
Then I got a text this afternoon asking if he could borrow £8.50. I said I couldn't help him.
Part of me feels guilty, but I'm in debt, I'm struggling, and my kids come first.
Was I being a fool? I'm feeling so irritated, am I being unreasonable for not wanting anything else to do with him?

You met an alcoholic 🤷‍♂️

Lots of homeless people are addicts, you knew that when you chose to help him.

No point in getting the arse about it now.

Just back off and don't get so overinvolved next time.

It was kind of you, but don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Look after yourself and your children unless you can spare it

This. Why did you think he was on the streets begging? You did it to feel good and are annoyed he has spent money in a way you dont approve. You got far too involved with a stranger.

You're a good person

But I don't know what you expected!

Stop!! Focus on feeding your kids over a drink.
Get him blocked and out of your life for your kids sake.

You weren't a fool you were being kind and had faith in another human being .
He is the fool ,he is cheeky and yes i do think now he is taking advantage,maybe he wasn't at the start but he has become complacent and doesn't deserve any more from you at all , he has shown his true self .
I think you should keep whatever your income is for your family only but if you feel you must then contribute to a homeless shelter /charity directly instead.
It's a bit sad that a chancer like this has tainted your absolute acts of kindness , i'm sure this isn't always the case with people in his position.

Were you another person who thinks that all people who end up on the streets are there because of the howwible government?

It's lovely that you wanted to help and you did, but it wasn't really wise to exchange numbers. He clearly saw £££££ at that point. Many addicts relapse once they are enabled to do so- housing, money etc. Ironically being on the street can take the opportunity away.

Don't stop being kind, but next time draw boundaries and never give our your number to someone you don't really know.

You were very kind but I think baking a a cake for a homeless alcoholic is too kind to him and unkind to yourself.

Ingredients are expensive, don’t waste them on strangers.

Oh op you sound so lovely but you know the phrase “no good turn goes unpunished”? I think that applies here.

I fully expect you to get absolutely lambasted and patronised in this thread but doing good things is surely good for your soul, regardless of whether it’s thrown back in your face.

Chalk it up to experience and hold your head high.

I can understand why you’re frustrated but what did you expect?

A large amount of homeless people have substance abuse problems and they go much deeper than being solved by the gestures of some kind people.

It doesn’t mean he set out to take advantage of you. Like all alcoholics he is in the grip of a serious addiction.

You seem a very kind and well intentioned person but gently I think its unwise to give this much to someone who you barely know and who you know has complex problems. It was never going to go well. I would work a bit on why you feel the need to administer so much to one person when you have a very low expectation of getting anything in return.

You did a nice thing, you shouldn't feel bad about that. He took advantage of you, that's not your fault either so don't feel bad about turning your back on him.

You are a very nice person. will you still see him regularly outside the shop?

OP - it’s sad, even tragic - but the vast majority of homeless people are homeless for a reason. As pps have said, they have complex issues and it’s very hard to help them in any longterm way.

Keep your money for your children. It may be this man’s right to drink himself to death but you don’t need to finance it.

You've been very kind but also very naive OP
💐

Never give more of yourself than you are happy to throw away.

In other words - only do and give as much as you would be ok with if it was all thrown away or 'wasted'.

You sound like such a lovely caring individual. This man was lucky to have met you. Don’t beat yourself up about the way it turned out, if only there were as many people like you in this world.

You’re obviously a very kind person so I don’t want to put you down, but it is somewhat foolish to be helping a homeless person so much if you can’t even afford a proper food shop for your own family. Take care of your own kids first. Then anything left over you can be charitable with.

Can you bring yourself to block him? And I take it he doesn’t know where you live? You tried to help and it didnt work out - dont blame yourself but maybe think more carefully in future whether someone really needs your help

He's started to hang back around there, which I found strange, but I'm guessing he's hoping to see people that used to help him. I could be wrong.

And may I add, when he was homeless, I never, ever smelt alcohol on him. He told me he wasn't a drinker, but he sure is now.

You sound a lovely person.
You gave help when you saw it was needed.
That he then took advantage of your kindness is down to him and his issues. It wasn't your fault.
I do agree that you shouldn't hand out your phone number or address in future though because you need to keep yourself safe.

never give away what you can’t afford to lose.
you have been kind but you are in debt, and have kids.
Don’t regret what you’ve done for this chap but save your energies in future to secure your own situation before you help others.

And may I add, when he was homeless, I never, ever smelt alcohol on him. He told me he wasn't a drinker, but he sure is now.

He would say that wouldn’t he? If he’s begging or trying to insinuate himself into people’s charity he isn’t going to advertise that any support he receives will be channelled into his addiction.

You are clearly a very compassionate person but you need to centre yourself a bit more and become a bit less trusting.

Its a hard lesson to learn but charity directed at people incapable of helping themselves is wasted.

A huge number of homeless people are addicts. I'm not sure what you expected, really.

I'd stop giving him money too. He probably.was a drinker but couldn't afford to drink when he was homeless. Now he's claiming benefits, he's spending it on alcohol and asking others to pay his bills. Stop helping him and spend it on your children instead.

Years ago I was a supervisor in a benefit office. I always said that I'd rather
treat 20 rogues as gentlemen than risk treating one gentleman like a rogue.

You got a rogue, you treated him like a gentleman. Good for you. Don't let that one experience lead you into always treating people as though they are trying to fool you.

some of the people you meet will be trying to fool you. Most will be like you, good and helpful people.