Being taken advantage of.

[Leahloveschocolate]

I'm not sure whether I should be annoyed, but I feel annoyed.
About a year ago I befriended a homeless guy who was outside the supermarket. I felt so sorry for him, especially through winter.
I gave him change, but mainly food when I went in to do my shopping. I don't drive, so shop about 4 times a week, and every time I'd get him something small. When it was his birthday I made him a little hamper, with a cake etc. I used to like our conversations as I was happy to help, although I'm struggling financially.
I don't want praise for helping him, that was my choice, and I believe that you should always be kind.
About 3 months ago he finally got a place to live, I was SO happy for him. We exchanged numbers, and I got him a towel bundle as he didn't have any.
I bake celebration cakes as a hobby, he wanted one for his soon to be girlfriend, and I said it was free, despite it costing a fortune and a lot of time to make. Yet again, my choice, I was happy to do so, I just wanted him to turn his life around and be happy. And £10 as he said he didn't have electric.
I met him to give him the cake, and he turned up completely drunk holding a huge bottle of vodka.
It made me feel sick. I'm on universal credit, I've got kids, I can't afford a proper food shop, never mind a bottle of booze.
After that I finally realised I'd been played like a fool.
Then I got a text this afternoon asking if he could borrow £8.50. I said I couldn't help him.
Part of me feels guilty, but I'm in debt, I'm struggling, and my kids come first.
Was I being a fool? I'm feeling so irritated, am I being unreasonable for not wanting anything else to do with him?

You're a really lovely person, OP.

there are many reasons why people become homeless... but some of the lads who are chronic street beggars (rather than people experiencing temporary homelessness) may have substance abuse and addiction issues. this is why charities recommend you don't give cash or valuable items that can be traded/bartered, unless you are happy with the knowledge it may not be spent on food or toiletries.

Homeless charities like shelter and st mungo's are always looking for help, tho - one off donations to them, volunteering with a food bank or kitchens, or offering your time to housing and outreach support services, is often the best way of getting help to those on the streets.

I'd recommend that in the future, if you do want to help.

I should add to some of the more judgemental posters on here, that many homeless people have neurological conditions like learning disability (IQ below 70), fetal alcohol syndrome, autism, mosaic down syndrome, brain cancers and traumatic brain injuries.

Some have treatment resistant bi polar, schizophrenia etc and do not have family or relatives with power of attorney or anyone who can help. I've even seen people with dementia on the streets.

And many of these conditions come with lack of insight, even if the person is considered to have mental capacity (the threshold for a MC assessment is disgustingly low, these days)... so it's harder for them to understand or recognise that they need help. Not everyone chooses to be incapable of helping themselves.

So you thought he was a worthy homeless person and now you feel he wronged you he is now an unworthy homeless person?

whilst i know you meant well you need to understand giving must be done with no strings.

Don't stop being compassionate,but have boundaries. Giving the odd coffee or food to a homeless person is a kind gesture. I do it. Ow and then.
But building a relationship and swapping addresses and baking a cake is way too much
Homeless people are often homeless because they have problems. You can't sort their lives for them. You ca. Be kind and help within strict boundaries and only what you can afford.

You really should have seen this possibility- people are not homeless for no reason. I accept there but by the grace of God, but people who live on the streets have burned through all their family and friends- there have to be issues for this to happen.
Chalk it up to experience and be more guarded before becoming so involved next time, but don't let it stop you trying to help people. Helping people is far harder than it looks.

I think you've been kind. I think you are disappointed that he drinks. But honestly escapism in any form is so tempting when homeless (and adjusting to having accommodation is hugely tough for some).

Put boundaries up if you want but please keep.your kind heart.

I don’t think you’ve been played for a fool. You helped someone who was struggling but the tide has turned and now he IS taking advantage. As admirable as your behaviour is though, if you’re so financially overstretched I think you should ask why you are prioritising the needs of others over those of yourself. I don’t like to bandy about the cliche, but the air mask does come to mind here. It seems like you aren’t fully attending to your own air mask first (ie finances) and you should explore why that is the case.

I've put YABU just because what did you expect? Homeless people often have addiction problems.
I give money and food to homeless people but I do so in the full knowledge that money might occasionally get spent on whatever addiction that person has.
It's just a sad fact. You can hope someone stays sober but people often relapse.
All in all you shouldn't give things you can't really afford to give.. to anyone no matter their virtue.

Why was this man and/or his situation captivating..possibly alluring to you?

OP, some self-reflection—and maybe therapy—could really help here. It looks like you became caught up in the idea of “fixing” this man, and in doing so, you ended up prioritizing him over your own children’s needs and your own financial stability.

The money, food, gifts, and attention you gave him weren’t just generous—they crossed a line and created risks. As a parent, your first responsibility is your children, and choices like these can put both you and them in danger. Now that he has your number, he could easily find/follow your address or show up at your home, other places. He could harm and/or harass you, the kids, or both That’s a real safety concern.

You poured so much energy into his growth that you neglected your own. It’s important to examine why this happened so you don’t repeat the same pattern. If you truly want to help in the future, do it safely—offer a resource list or share a hotline number. That way, you protect yourself and your children while still pointing someone toward real help.

Leave him alone permanently, and perhaps detour. Hopefully, soon he will forget you.

Nailed it.

I have always believed that giving without any expectation at all is blessed. I mean that, the universe, God, however you want to look at it will bless you for truly giving freely - even if that blessing is only the knowledge that you did something kind.

If you had really given freely with no expectation you would not be writing this thread. Just shrug. You learned something, you have decided on boundaries for yourself.

He may remember your kindness later when he is in a better place for wisdom. Or he might not. But you did something nice, and the rest actually does not matter.

This. You were lovely, @Leahloveschocolate, no need to beat yourself up
You can take some comfort in the fact that he WAS healthier through the winter than he would have been without you - and being shown a bit of love really does matter, even to a frozen & fucked-up addict.

You have done your bit, made a difference. This particular phase is now over; you're free to move on with your life and bake yourself a cake for being a nice person!

What ? Sorry but no sympathy here. Only donate to small charities that help the homeless never the homeless themselves.

You've obviously got a kind and helpful nature OP, which is a good thing, but you got way too involved. You've admitted in your OP that you're on UC, you're struggling financially, in debt and can't afford a large food shop. You've also got kids to support. Yet you thought it ok to buy this man a hamper, bake an expensive celebration cake, give him money for electric and buy him a towel bundle. That's on top of adding items to your food shop for him every time you went in. If your finances are this bad then you need to dial it back. Maybe donate time instead of money, volunteering somewhere. You're not putting your kids first if you're getting further into debt trying to help someone else.

No one goes from not being a drinker to chugging neat vodka straight from the bottle.

I would like to add something that I learned that changed my perspective a bit.

I had always assumed the homeless people I saw who were drunk had probably become homeless because of substance abuse taking hold and wrecking their lives. Which is sad in itself but it can be said that choices were made.

Then I read something (can’t remember where) that explained that people without substance issues who find themselves homeless for any of the many reasons that aren’t linked to drugs and alcohol, often very soon develop substance problems. They drink and take drugs to anaesthetise themselves and blot out the situation they find themselves in.

I imagined what it must be like to lose everything and find yourself sleeping in the street. Not having regular food not being able to wash regularly, clean your teeth. Not having a change of clothes, change of underwear. Knowing you will almost certainly remain unemployed until you get a place to live and that chicken and egg problem is going to worsen the longer it goes on. How terrifying it must be to go through the night knowing if you do sleep what little you have might be taken or worse you might be beaten maybe killed.

I don’t think I could do all that stone cold sober.

This.

Why are you giving money that you don't even earn to someone else?

This.

What on earth were you thinking? Focus on yourself and your children.

You were kind to a fellow human, it came back & bit you on the back side, lesson learned. Don't stop being kind, however, don't get too involved with people you don't know. Keep what you have for you & your kids. If you see him around explain you're sorry but you're not able to help financially in the future, wish him well & walk away. If he pesters you by phone just block him.

You sound so kind but you need to focus solely on yourself.
Avoid him going forward.