One text and I'm ghosted?

[spacecadet]

Met a guy on a dating app around two months ago and have been messaging ever since. Had one great date about a month ago but been hard to arrange the second because of illness/holidays. Anyway we had the second on Sunday and it confirmed to me I liked him and I felt we got on. But he brought his dog!! This meant that I ran out of things to do after two hours of walking around in circles and one short coffee stop and felt like the date had come to an end when we ended up back at the carpark and he hadn't suggested another meet-up. So I said goodbye and thought that was that. I wasnt getting date.vibes so said i was just going to go back into town to buy some shoes I'd seen. Then he texted later and I was really pleased so tried to start a conversation but he disappeared after one or two messages. Again, I figured it was bad and had basically written him off. So when he texted at 11pm (around 6 hours later) and I was half asleep asking how the rest of my evening was I sent back a slightly tetchy reply -

"Fine - had a massive clearout and got loads of stuff on vinted. Having an early night cos early start tomorrow 😇 "

This has resulted in him not replying to my whatsapp message the next day of -

"Morning, how are you? Did you decide to stay off work today?" cos he'd been saying he might.

I am so floored by this! How can one slightly dismissive text message be the thing that stops all communication?? What is this one strike and you're out rule that I'm not aware of? And is there anything I can send to try and fix this or is it terminal? Would really appreciate any advice because I'm at a complete loss TIA.

Might he not just be busy? I'd give him til this evening before you write him off!

Your text doesn't read as dismissive even if that was what you felt, so I think you are really overthinking that part in attributing that to why he hasn't responded.
It sounds to me that there wasn't a massive spark and that he tried to keep conversation going a bit for the rest of the day, but then came to the same conclusion as you, that it was a non-starter.

This. I mean, two dates a month apart, one of which was a dog walk even the OP admits was dull, suggests this whole thing is a non-starter.

'Cos' makes me cringe. I'd ghost for that alone

I think you're possibly blowing a bit hot and cold with him to be honest which I personally wouldn't really waste time on.

You went on the date, got bored and essentially told him you'd rather go into town shopping than continue the date (although I understand he also didn't initiate) then you're happy when he sends you a few messages after the date, sad when he has a brief pause between messages so you send him a reply that shuts conversation down and then you text him in the morning again and get annoyed he's not replied yet. Even if it hasn't come across as dismissive to him, you seem really in two minds here

The dog didn’t like you…😀

People are weird OP, just put it down to experience and move on.

That could very well be the reason.
Or more likely, he felt that you didn't like the dog.
That would have been a dealbreaker for him, but you topped it off with that snippy text later in the day.

Sorry @spacecadet this isn't meant to be.

You were almost certainly giving off vibes on the date that you weren’t into it, you cut the date off to go shoe shopping (a fairly obvious snub), and then you sent a reply to his message that even you recognise was deliberately tetchy / curt. Perhaps he could have responded to your last message to say as much and wish you the best for the future, but you can’t really be surprised if he’s just concluded you haven’t clicked and decided he can’t really be bothered engaging any more.

Thanks for reassuring me about the text - I didn't feel it was terrible enough to never speak again! But yes, you're right in that I've been probably sending mixed messages - I react strongly to long gaps in messages because my ex basically did that to chat to other women and some of that anger probably came through. I guess it's a write-off and I'll just have to pick myself back up but it feels really unfair right now :(

Given you are two dates in and it’s already been long enough that you should be well past this stage if things were going well, I suspect that he isn’t that keen. I agree that the dog and what the dog thought of you was probably a test.

Most of my weekends consist of dog walk, pub and cafe visits and I find them lovely. I always make sure to bring my dog on date one or two to make sure me and a partner are compatible on the kind of things we like doing. It sounds like he bought his dog along to see if your idea of a nice day is compatible- you found it boring- said you'd rather go shopping.

He might be struggling to retain a sense of excitement as he has seen you enjoy different things.

I didn't find it.boring, just a bit limiting with where we could go and what we could do. And I did actually get on with the dog for people saying it's that. The shopping comment was because he asked me what I was going to do that afternoon and I was answering the question without really thinking. I take on board that he wasn't that invested but I think the ghosting is really unfair and unecessarily hurtful.

It's not about whether you got on with the dog, but you would have rathered the dog wasn't there. That's probably not giving him the vibes of how he sees his free time and life playing out.

Too offer we look at dating as a success game. Do we win or lose. Have we won another date etc. rather than a journey to find someone compatible. He doesn't see you as compatible (and I think, if you take out the bruised ego of him not replying, you probably don't think your compatible long term either)

I didn't think.it was a compatibility thing because we got on so well the first date and in subsequent chats. I just feel he's completely misinterpreted where I was in my head and reached conclusions that paint me as some shopping-obsessed bad tempered harrdian - and it doesn't seem I'm going to get a chance to put that right :(

You take your dog along on dates 😆 🤣 😂 omg, dog nutter level has peaked right here 😆

It’s only Tuesday morning! Why on earth do you think you’ve been ghosted?

"- I react strongly to long gaps in messages because my ex basically did that to chat to other women and some of that anger probably came through."

I mean this kindly as I've been there myself, but this is not the problem of any new person you are dating. If you are finding it hard to navigate that after having been let down badly in the past then you might benefit from doing some counselling alongside dating because it's understandable that might trigger past hurts but you can't allow yourself to put that on a new partner.

Well, it would be limiting! And if this is your second date ever, it sounds absolutely zero effort, if you 'walked round in circles'. I like dogs, but no way would I go on a date that was essentially a circular two-hour dog walk with a coffee.

But I think you're being insanely melodramatic with this talk of 'ghosting'. You've met twice, with a a month in between, and the second date was a zero-effort dogwalk that ended in a car park with neither of you mentioning a third date. You'd written him off when he sent a couple of subsequent texts, which you interpreted as signs of ongoing interest, and you then got cross when he didn't reply to a text you sent the next day, despite the fact that you admit you 'weren't getting date' vibes at the end of the dog walk.

If you very much want to see him again, ask him on a third date. If you don't, why are you so cross about him not responding to your text the day after a lacklustre date?

Ghosting?! You need to calm the heck down... the date was Sunday and it's only Tuesday??!

This degree of drama is really quite mad.

This is an excellent way of looking at things. Dating is about a journey assessing whether you can see something going anywhere, rather than it being a “loss” if you can’t. But if you genuinely do feel compatibility with somebody then remember in future that dating is a two-way exercise: after a lacklustre date you waited for him to say he’d like to see you again whereas you could have said “that was nice, and it was great to meet the distinguished Archibald - unless you’ve anywhere to dash off to now, do you fancy getting a drink if you know of any dog-friendly pubs?” or just “let’s see each other again sooner rather than later, I’ll check my diary when I get home and hopefully we can make it happen without so long a gap this time!” Instead, he got the impression that you hadn’t enjoyed the date, didn’t want to extend it, and didn’t want to suggest another.

When it comes to messaging, it’s really just dependent on how different people view communication. From the samples you’ve given, none of the text chat was particularly scintillating or needed immediate replies. A gap of a few hours is normal, particularly if somebody doesn’t want to get into a protracted game of message badminton. Somebody has to be the one to take a break and then come back later.

This is going nowhere.
He might be busy, at work, whatever. The date was on Sunday, it's Tuesday. It's not that long.
You are overthinking this and being a bit dramatic saying you've been "ghosted" because he hasn't messaged in a day or so.
The second date doesn't sound that great anyway. There's obviously not that much of a spark or you would have found things to do, dog or no dog, and you'd have made a suggestion (or he would have done) for the afternoon rather than you saying you were going clothes shopping.
If I was out having a great date with someone I had a spark with I would have behaved differently and that's why I think it's a non-starter.

It might be a case of it's someone that theoretically is a good match, would be a great boyfriend etc. but the chemistry just isn't there. So despite the lack of chemistry you feel like you want to keep pursuing it. I had this a couple of years ago with someone. No spark in person or in texts and it all kind of fizzled out pretty quickly because we had nothing to say to each other, even though on paper we were a good match and he's a great guy and he's since met and married someone else and I can see how good they are for each other.

Going on a dog walk with him isn’t a proper date imo, he’s putting his dog first, when he actually organises a date to concentrate on you for your date! I would consider but I don’t think he sounds that serious anyway, maybe he can prove otherwise.

Date multiple men honestly its a game changer

I’m confused as to why you think your message was tetchy? But, I would have been binning him off before that as he clearly isn’t too interested anyway.

This style of dating honestly baffles me. You have presumably exchanged many, many texts yet have only met twice, one of which was short lasting and not particularly interesting?

Why on earth are people dragging things out so much and yet spending so little time actually together? Of course we are all busy blah blah but of you are looking for a relationship it seems that endless texting is a very poor substitute for actually getting to know one another in real life.

Do you want to meet him again? If so and if one of you decides to end this impasse I genuinely suggest that you start meeting properly far more frequently. Maybe it wall go somewhere and maybe not but you’ll know far quicker. And maybe even have some fun.