To think he’s perhaps financially abusive? Or just does care about me?

[fuckhimintheear]

There’s a long history of this stuff, but I’ll stick with the past 48 hours.

He calls me yesterday mid morning and asks me what I’m up to. He suggests I meet him in town. We meet at Wetherspoons and as I know him so very well, when he asks me what I’d like I ask for the muffin deal. It’s £3 and I also get a can of drink which I can take home and give to my son.

I eat my muffin and he goes to get himself a drink. I ask if I can have one too and he kicks off. I know I have the canned drink, but really? I’m a mother of five, the youngest being 15 months. Can he not let me have a drink of if I ask for one?

Last week he was at work and I sold his bike for him in his absence. I was struggling to feed the kids whilst he was away all week, but I made do. I didn’t dip in to the cash. Today I was asked to pay someone £300 out of said cash. I did that. Then he came home and counted the other £1300 remaining and found it to be £20 down. He accused me of helping myself.

I literally had £60 in my bank account and immediately sent him £20, but I’m gutted. What am I actually dealing with here? I never touched his cash, only to pay what was owed to someone else. I feel like I despise him right now.

Someone can still subject someone to domestic abuse without ever hitting them.

There are lots of different types of abuse. And you are being financially abused by the sounds of it.

He is paying a mortgage, that’s investing in an asset. You are buying things which are consumed and will end up destitute if you carry on

He is deliberately screwing you over by doing this. If you tell him you have cottoned on to his bullshit you currently have no options.

You ARE trapped. You can get out but you will need help.

Surely you know if he does the food shop or not? Does he come home with £600-£800 worth of food?

Anyway I was going to suggest you try and skimp to save some of the £1,600 separately if possible but it sounds like it’s not.

Check what benefits you could claim on the entitled.to website, and see what rent prices are like in your local area.

Is he self employed? If not then put his salary into the child maintenance calculator to see what you’d get from that (probably a decent chunk as he sounds like a high earner plus you’d be claiming for 5 kids). Child maintenance isn’t considered income for purposes of universal credit so you’d have your wage, plus any universal credit you’re entitled to, plus child maintenance.

I'd be starting to care less what a person like that thinks of my character. He's got you focused on pleasing him and wanting him to think well of you (as all abusers train their partners to do), rather than looking at him and how he operates in the world. Start to make your plans, get some work, stash some money away and get out of there.

Financial, emotional and verbal abuse do not involve hitting people.

Sexual coercion, or coercive behaviour in other areas do not involve hitting people.

You are being abused. Trust me.....ask me how I (and sadly many many others on MN) know.

Womens Aid will absolutely be a good starting place for you, they will not think that you are a making a fuss. The only issue is getting through as they are (again, sadly) very busy, but do keep trying.

From the Womens Aid website....THEIR OWN WORDS.

Psychological and emotional abuse
Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are:
Screaming and shouting at you
Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you
Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want
Making you doubt your own sanity. This is known as gaslighting. A perpetrator may gaslight you into thinking that you are remembering things wrong or that you are misinterpreting things, later making you believe their version of events is true. This behaviour is often used to manipulate.
Threatening that they will destroy something, hurt you or commit suicide
Threatening to report you to the police, social services or a mental health team if you don’t do what they say
Telling you that they’re sorry, that it isn’t abuse
Telling you that you deserve or cause the abuse
Threatening to kill or harm you and/or your children

There are also other examples on there including coercive control, financial abuse and sexual abuse.

ETA....Sorry, forgot to add the link to their website, you will find a lot of helpful information on there. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

If you don't have a job, how are you paying all the bills? Are you on benefits? Are they in your name? It could make leaving easier if they get paid directly to you

the OP said that she wants to work FT which suggests that she currently works part time.

I'm unsure that OP works at all?

Yeah I'm totally confused. She spends £1600 a month on groceries as a household but only had £60 left for food for the week - £20 of which she sent him? Something doesn't add up. I thought the 2 mortgages and a muffin deal at spoons was suspicious but then I saw the maths!? Also the selling the bike while he worked away and giving someone a few hundred (while the kids starved and £1300 cash was stashed away for him the other room)....sounds more like drug money.

Start making a plan. You'll probably be entitled to a council house. Go on the CMS calculator and find out what he'd have to give you. Put that together with what you earn - would you be able to manage? Talk to Women's Aid. Don't discuss what you're planning with him.

This is very difficult to follow.

you live together and have five children together, but ther3 is two houses, and you squabble over a pound for a drink?

why are there two houses, how are you paying so much when you don’t work where does the money come from? Why are you both spending 1200-1800 a month on food buf argue over a can of monster?