To think he’s perhaps financially abusive? Or just does care about me?

[fuckhimintheear]

There’s a long history of this stuff, but I’ll stick with the past 48 hours.

He calls me yesterday mid morning and asks me what I’m up to. He suggests I meet him in town. We meet at Wetherspoons and as I know him so very well, when he asks me what I’d like I ask for the muffin deal. It’s £3 and I also get a can of drink which I can take home and give to my son.

I eat my muffin and he goes to get himself a drink. I ask if I can have one too and he kicks off. I know I have the canned drink, but really? I’m a mother of five, the youngest being 15 months. Can he not let me have a drink of if I ask for one?

Last week he was at work and I sold his bike for him in his absence. I was struggling to feed the kids whilst he was away all week, but I made do. I didn’t dip in to the cash. Today I was asked to pay someone £300 out of said cash. I did that. Then he came home and counted the other £1300 remaining and found it to be £20 down. He accused me of helping myself.

I literally had £60 in my bank account and immediately sent him £20, but I’m gutted. What am I actually dealing with here? I never touched his cash, only to pay what was owed to someone else. I feel like I despise him right now.

Do you work OP?

They are his houses, yet you pay the bills? Are the bills in your name? Or do you just transfer him the money and he pays? Do you have a cohabitants agreement written up?

Never ever sleep with this vile man ever again op.

I pay the bills. They are all in my name. The houses are in his name solely.

I didn’t change what is fact, as per a pp. It was a typo. HE pays the mortgages and I pay all the bills.

This is not true. Property law determines who owns property. She is not on the deeds so has no claim.

If they were married she could claim under Family law provisions , she is not so cannot.

Paying bills or the mortgage makes no difference to the above.

There is a vanishingly rare provision under the law of equity. It is incredibly rare for that to be a successful route.

She would have to argue he intended her to benefit and led her to believe that. And she acted to her detriment relying on that belief

Without documentation to prove that she has no Chance

You need to get a job op if you don’t work. You are incredibly vulnerable at the moment

Do you work OP?

You need to find a way to leave, would be my advice.

I don’t want his property. I just want to be treated like a human being.

The money was counted by him when he returned from work, and put somewhere safe. That he counted it again and found it to be £20 down….that can only mean one thing. That he thinks I’m a thief.

Do you work? What if he throws you out the property, then what?

He's disrespectful and treats you as inferior from what you've said.

None of this makes sense. You’ve had five children, over quite a few years if (at least) one is a teenager and one barely toddling, and only now you’re thinking things aren’t looking so good in terms of fairness?

The issue is OP he could throw you out whenever he wants.

For the sake of your DC, you need to want more for yourself and to get out of this situation. If you are not married you have no claim on either house and he can kick you out at any time. He is accumulating assets at your expense as you are covering the bills.

Speak to women’s aid and shelter. Getting yourself out and in a position where you can focus on improving your financial position, saving for retirement should be a priority. This guy is awful and knows exactly what he is doing. He us choosing this behaviour. So he will never change.

You know the answer here @fuckhimintheear .

Life is precious and deserves to be lived well.
Yiu deserves better, your children deserve better.

This sounds absolutely mad OP, you’ve got five children together (although you refer to them as “my children” rather than “our children”).

You spend £1,600 on groceries (how??) but quibbling over a second drink at Wetherspoons after struggling to feed the kids. He does want your eldest to have energy drinks (probably fair enough) so you get him to buy a certain deal so you can bring the energy drinks back for your child. You independently have access to money but can’t buy yourself a drink at Wetherspoons.

None of it makes sense but regardless the relationship sounds shit. Get yourself financially secure then leave.

I’m shocked he’s your partner and father of your kids! It sounds more like a flatmate relationship, but not really because it would be rude to go up to the bar and not offer your mate a drink if you were having one! And clearly here he should have got you one since you barely have any money by the sounds of it.

you definitely must stop transferring him amounts of money. He does sound abusive if he ‘kicked off’ in public over the price of a drink in a wetherspoons!!

you need to make a long term plan, find a job and put money away, do NOT mention it to him. Get real life help from family or women’s aid and get out of this harmful and humiliating life!! He sounds horrible op, you deserve a lot better.

How do I save money when every penny I have goes on paying the bills and feeding the kids. I wang a full time job, but I don’t think I can do it when all housework falls on me and he says that his hours at work aren’t fixed.

I feel like I’m completely trapped. I hate him. If I raise any of this with him he says it’s all my fault and I’m crazy.

He just told me I’m a loser and I’ve done nothing with my life 😞

Don’t discuss it with him. Help is available, eg Women’s Aid. As set out above by previous posters

You need to improve your financial position. He’s screwed you over big time. But you can improve things for yourself.

The housework is not important. Your immediate priority is getting more money into your account.

Money will give you options

Don’t argue with him. There’s no point. Disengage. Of course he’s going to say that. He wants to undermine you at every turn

Go and go and get help as set out by others. Don’t let him know and don’t let him see this thread

How will Women’s Aid help me? I have five children, the youngest of which is only 15 months. I’m completely trapped. I have no savings and no assets.

If you become homeless as a result of domestic abuse, you are a priority to be housed by the local authority, WA can help with that.

ETA to clarify, that includes leaving to escapes domestic abuse, it doesnt just mean him chucking you out.

Do you do the food shop OP?

But he’s never hit me?

I do 50% of it. He’s always complained that he does all the grocery shopping, but my banking app breaks down exactly where my money is spent each month. I spend on average 6-800 in the supermarkets each month. That’s my money. He reckons he spends about the same.