His daughter's behaviour....

[Forthelovagod]

Partner has one daughter 19, lives with him but now at uni so home some of the time. Just been home for summer.
Was her birthday 10 days ago. Saw lots of lovely gifts lying around one of which was a beautiful m&s bouquet.

Partner works away. Left a week ago. She left for uni yesterday. Called in to house today to do some jobs and when putting rubbush out noticed the bouquet still in cellophane unopened in the bin.

I didnt buy them but im pretty sure whoever did would be pretty devastated to see them chucked in the bin.. I just can't fathom this behaviour and find it hard to be around. Im actually sad i bought her a gift because she clearly doesnt value other people's money and i certainly don't have money to waste.

I wish i could park it but i find it hard to not let it affect how i feel about my partner. How has he raised a human that thinks this is ok.

Aibu or would you feel remotely similar?

Fwiw id absolutely go through my dc if it was them. I'd be gutted.

Tbh half times I don’t take them out of the plastic because that’s how they’re nicely arranged and if I take them out of the plastic they don’t look as pretty.

I would cut the stems and change the water but if they went in the bin they might well still have the plastic.

And surely after 10 days the flowers are over anyway? Cut flowers don’t last.

I have tried to bring up my 19-year-old daughter with good values. But I can really imagine her doing this! She would be far too lazy to put the flowers in a vase. Even if she knew where one was. She would think oh that’s sweet, and then just forget about them and leave them on the desk. She is otherwise pretty kind and decent but she can be disorganised and forgetful and lazy.

On its own this incident would just make me roll my eyes a bit at her. But then again, you have other stuff going on with this young woman, so it is a different situation.

Someone bought me a huge bunch of lilies once. The big white ones with dusty orange pollen in them.

I can't stand the smell of lilies and the pollen makes me sneeze. I also have dogs and lilies can be toxic to dogs.

I said thank you and put them to one side to arrange later after the relative had gone, then I gave them to my next door neighbour who was pleased with them. It's not that I was ungrateful for the gift, it's just lilies don't work for me in my house.

What you're doing is, 'This happened and I know why this happened. Ain't it awful?' Then loads of people say, 'Hang on, it might have been because of these other perfectly sound reasons.' And you say, 'None of those reasons even comes close. I and I alone know the real reason and I will not budge on this. Ain't it awful?'

This is a bit tedious, you know. You could take a deep breath and try changing your mind. I'm inviting you to consider the possibility that you might be wrong - give it a go.

Surely after ten days any bouquet is past its best?

She sounds like my 'stepdaughter' was at that age. I've used inverted commas as I wasn't married to her dad then and now she doesn't talk to me, which I'm absolutely fine with.

Selfish to the core, self obsessed, controlling, manipulative, nasty. The opposite to her father.

The gifts would be bestowed and if she didn't like them they'd be cast aside. She would only utter thanks if she highly approved of the gift. One year she told me multiple times she hated what I bought her and then she left it behind. It was the last gift I ever bought for her although I still thrust money at her.

It did make me worry what DH would be like as a parent to our child but he's been amazing. What I have noticed however is that he defers to my judgment on most things; he's from a traditional culture and even though he's as hands-on as I am this may contribute? So presumably he was the same with his ex who has similar traits to his daughter.

Yes, this. Who buys flowers for a 19 year old, especially one that doesn’t have a house to put them in and is moving between lodgings.

I can appreciate flowers now, but I wouldn’t have done at 19. It’s a massive shame for them not to be enjoyed, but someone definitely didn’t think that through at all.

She isn’t going to lug them back to uni with her when they’re already ten days old, just to have to deal with them once they’re dead. If there’s no one else in the house when she left, what else is she supposed to do?

Your partner's adult daughter put an unwrapped bouquet of flowers she'd received in the bin in her house before going back to uni, for reasons you don't know (as you haven't asked) and this indicates a gross moral failing on her part and on the part of her father, because you believe you and the father feel the same about everything. This is now causing you to question your relationship with the father and made you determined not to buy his daughter any presents in future. Have I got that right?

A few things for you to think about: what you would do in a given situation is what you would do. It's not obligatory for other adults to do or think the same. Gifts given on a transactional basis (you'll only get something if you behave and think just like me) are empty tokens. Most importantly: however "difficult" you find the daughter you need to be the adult and find a way to manage a relationship with her without hyperfocusing on trivialities as justification for your dislike, if you want your relationship with the father to last.

If you are, so am I 😂

Me three.