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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His daughter's behaviour....

85 replies

Forthelovagod · 15/09/2025 17:28

Partner has one daughter 19, lives with him but now at uni so home some of the time. Just been home for summer.
Was her birthday 10 days ago. Saw lots of lovely gifts lying around one of which was a beautiful m&s bouquet.

Partner works away. Left a week ago. She left for uni yesterday. Called in to house today to do some jobs and when putting rubbush out noticed the bouquet still in cellophane unopened in the bin.

I didnt buy them but im pretty sure whoever did would be pretty devastated to see them chucked in the bin.. I just can't fathom this behaviour and find it hard to be around. Im actually sad i bought her a gift because she clearly doesnt value other people's money and i certainly don't have money to waste.

I wish i could park it but i find it hard to not let it affect how i feel about my partner. How has he raised a human that thinks this is ok.

Aibu or would you feel remotely similar?

Fwiw id absolutely go through my dc if it was them. I'd be gutted.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 16/09/2025 17:59

The cheek of you rummaging around her house and passing judgment on a random bunch of flowers.

it’s so unbelievably not any of your business.

TheBigFatMermaid · 16/09/2025 18:09

I don't often actually like 19 year old young women, tbh. I'm pretty sure that I myself was unlikable at that age. I probably came across as a spoilt know it all.

My own DDs certainly did although my eldest has well outgrown it, the younger one, at just turned 20, still has a way to go.... but she's getting there!

I think that you, OP are being quite disingenuous and there is much more of a back story than you are letting on.

Laura95167 · 16/09/2025 20:45

You dont know when she got them. If she knows enough about flowers to take them out the wrap or just displayed them for almost 2 weeks as-is. If she threw them out now becuase unfortunately they will be very dead by the time shes next home. Or if they were from someone she didnt want them from i.e. an ex.

I think its none of your business what a 19 yr old woman does with some flowers.

Its odd you consider it "behaviour" that would impact how you feel about your partner

Branleuse · 16/09/2025 20:54

I don't understand why you think she should have taken the flowers to university?

Worriedalltheday · 16/09/2025 21:22

You are so intense and a bit ridiculous. Why do you care? How do you even know what the issue is. If I was travelling back to uni, the very last thing I would be taking is a 10day old bouquet. I wouldn’t even give them to anyone because I think flowers are a bloody nuisance rather than a gift- more work and effort than I would want! So she has done nothing wrong with her own gift.

Dogmum6 · 16/09/2025 22:15

After ten days they go mouldy - I think she was being polite to not fill your home with mould. I'm not saying I would chuck them then if I'm around- but I am aware that's it's prob not great for my allergies. I def wouldn't lug them into a car or my bedroom at that stage

Buffs · 17/09/2025 00:23

FlockofSquirrels · 15/09/2025 18:14

Maybe there are all sorts of other awful things she does that make it reasonable for you to dislike her.

This simply isn't one of them. Her birthday was 10 days ago and not enjoying someone's gift in the way you would in the privacy of her own home is not a character flaw. Her not unwrapping the flowers sent by someone who presumably wasn't there to see hurt absolutely no one, and cut flowers are expected to be thrown out a week or so later anyways.

If you've reached a place where you're determined (even unconsciously) to attach malice and poor character to things like this then you're going to find excuses to do so everywhere. Nothing will improve in your feelings or relationship until you can find your way out of that place.

Edited

This. You are being ridiculous to be offended by this.

InWalksBarberalla · 17/09/2025 00:36

beAsensible1 · 16/09/2025 17:59

The cheek of you rummaging around her house and passing judgment on a random bunch of flowers.

it’s so unbelievably not any of your business.

This exactly! Seems very intrusive of the OP.

ittakes2 · 17/09/2025 00:55

i think she did the right thing - binned 10 day old flowers so someone else did not need to clean up the mess when they died and leaves and petals dropped off. I like the look of the cellapane and often leave it on too.

LayerCakeOfStrangers · 17/09/2025 00:59

I keep mine in the cellophane and cute little box, it looks pretty!

Such a weird thing to get upset about. 19yo’s are sometimes ignorant and flakey. If you expect perfection you’re in for disappointment

MarxistMags · 17/09/2025 01:00

Surely after 10 days they were past their best ? I'm sure she was tidying up and didn't want to take half dead flowers with her.
I think you're overreacting to this.

LayerCakeOfStrangers · 17/09/2025 01:07

Have advance searched OP as her name looked familiar

Why are you still with your OH when you hate his DD so much and keep blaming her for his shortcomings?

Maddy70 · 17/09/2025 05:16

It's a bunch of flowers. She's going away what do you expect her to do with them ?
Personally I really hate having flowers as a gift. Utterly pointless, some give off really strong smells which I am really sensitive to. I would also have put them in the bin.

You are way too invested in a present that has nothing to do with you.

Mackerelfillets · 17/09/2025 08:55

If you like them take them out of the bin and put them in a vase. I think you would also complain if she'd left them out as you'd have to chuck them when they die. Not sure what she could have done to make you happy.

Woofie7 · 17/09/2025 17:38

Forthelovagod · 15/09/2025 17:38

I actually want to like her but she makes it hard
She's spoiled and there's a history of selfish behaviour.
Definitely not from someone she doesnt like.

I dont really like flowers as a gift myself but i wouldn't just throw a gift in the bin but i see im in the minority here so I'll try harder to get over it 🤣🤦‍♀️

I’m surprised you were in the minority , I was incensed.
i often send flowers and they are really bloody expensive now . I’ve often gone slightly overdrawn to get a bunch for a friend or colleague in my youth . I’ve often got flowers for someone over say a haircut for me or nice foods .

so to think they weren’t even put in a vase or regifted then that makes my blood boil . Who cares if she is driving back to uni they don’t take much room.
so she’s 19 , gosh I was gifted bouquets from the age of 16 up and loved them.

the only excuse is if they are from someone you don’t like , then regift to a friend , donate etc etc.

I agree I wouldn’t be buying for her anymore.

Bearbookagainandagain · 17/09/2025 17:42

It's flowers... And she is 19...
At that age, I would have wondered WTF I was supposed to do with it.

Taztoy · 17/09/2025 17:42

Two weeks later surely they’d be over anyway?

hattie43 · 17/09/2025 18:03

She sounds very ungrateful OP . I would really rein in any further gifts I made to her .

GagMeWithASpoon · 17/09/2025 18:06

hattie43 · 17/09/2025 18:03

She sounds very ungrateful OP . I would really rein in any further gifts I made to her .

What do you do with old flowers?

Doingmybest12 · 18/09/2025 07:45

A 19 year old student who can't be bothered to put flowers in a vase or take them with them back to uni isn't too surprising. Or someone who isn't keen on flowers etc isn't too surprising or someone getting flowers from someone they don't like. At least they were tidied away. I think it's a leap to think this indicates a serious flaw in her or her father and this says more about how you feel generally.There is more of a back story about this situation.

Sconcing · 18/09/2025 08:14

honeylulu · 15/09/2025 18:45

10 days old and back to uni, they probably needed binning by then.

It does seem a bit churlish that she didn't even take the plastic wrap off them and stick them in a pint glass. But young folk do have brains that don't work the same as ours. Mine moan when I ask them to bring down their rubbish bins from their bedrooms. It's too much, they're too tired, they don't have time. It's like I've asked them to perform the labours of Hercules!

Last time my son's girlfriend was here he went to get her from the airport and took a bouquet of roses. The roses went back up to his room with them. She seemed happy about them. However it occurred to neither of them to stick them in a vase of water. A few days later the roses came back down in the waste paper basket, dried out and still in their plastic. So I hate to say it but it's pretty normal behaviour at that age.

Not even just a young person thing, though. My octogenarian Mil gets given flowers fairly often for birthdays and anniversaries, but never takes them out of their plastic, just balances them in a vase with a few inches of water in it, or lets them sit in the water bag they came in. She’s just not someone it would occur to to do otherwise.

PollyBell · 18/09/2025 08:20

beAsensible1 · 16/09/2025 17:59

The cheek of you rummaging around her house and passing judgment on a random bunch of flowers.

it’s so unbelievably not any of your business.

Thanks couldn't work out how to word it, op you are offended on behalf of flowers?

Fairyliz · 18/09/2025 08:33

Forthelovagod · 15/09/2025 17:53

@TheTealGoose thanks for looking past the assumption that i just dont like his daughter, which just isn't true. She is difficult to be around.
I cant control her behaviour but it does disturb me that my partner who i feel shares the same fundamental beliefs as me has managed to raise a child who is almost the opposite of what he claims to stand for. I have also journaled in the past. I will revisit this. I want to seperate how i feel about her and his parenting from how i feel about him as a partner.

Well she was probably totally fucked up when her parents separated, that’s what generally happens.

NotABiscuitInSight · 18/09/2025 08:36

What do you think the flowers are going to do? They were wasted and dead the moment they were cut.

Someone paid money to demonstrate thst they acknowledge her birthday. That's it.

Are you the sort of person who is extremely sentimental and holds on to things?

TooTooMuchEverything · 18/09/2025 08:42

I don’t like the odds for your relationship with your partner succeeding if you keep picking at his daughter.