Feel like a single mum at the minute

[Boymummy2015]

Sooo, I want honesty please.... am I in the wrong/being unreasonable....

My DH and I have 3 kids, aged 14,10 & 7 both work full time in demanding and pressured roles, however, the last few months I am really feeling the pressure from all angles and I feel like I'm doing the parenting pretty much alone.

DH is good with (some) housework so I can't fault him much there he will get involved and do his share but he seems to think that doing that and then taking one of our boys to football at weekend is his part finished.

I'm the one left to cover, majority of cleaning, cooking, kids packed lunches, training nights/matches toing and frowing from one to the other, taking our teenage daughter to the gym/picking her up, I deal with all School issues/matters for the 3 kids, before & after school childcare/clubs etc, homework, reading, spellings, bedtime for the 2 younger ones, I get them all up and sorted for School in a morning. Christmas & bdays always left to me to sort.

My DH isn't lazy & he is a great dad but I feel like he has a very warped picture of what family life is actually about and what parenting involves. He thinks he's done after an early morning gym session, work then comes home, hoovers up, puts a few clothes away and thats him done. Meanwhile I'm in & out and up and down the stairs seeing to the kids making sure they all have what they need for School etc etc cooking, cleaning. I'm at breaking point and something has to give I can't keep taking it all on and dealing with him as well. If he's in then be in if not then I'd rather cut my losses and call it a day.

Sorry for the rant but can you guys offer any advice or please do tell me if I'm being a spoilt brat!

Ask him to step up?

Oh I have lol I've lost my shit yesterday with him and the 2 older kids tbh as they can help more certainly our older girl. But of course I'm the one in the wrong.

Time to go on strike if they won’t step up. Outline what you’re willing to do and then step back and watch the fallout, do not be tempted to help!

No you are not.
Ask him and the children do do some of the stuff and if they don't let them go without.

I am seriously considering doing exactly this.
Eldest really needs to sort her sh*t out and start growing up she just takes us/me for granted & my boys are getting the same I can't keep allowing it.

Its my own fault and I take full responsibility I've clearly spoilt them and now I'm paying the price

I have had the chat with the kids before set out a rota etc I think the only way I'm going to get through to them is by stopping their spends etc if they cba to help!

Your husband is lazy if he's opting out of all the work you're doing in the evenings such as chauffeuring the kids and making lunches and homework and bedtime routines. WTF.

You're going to have to involve your kids too. 14 year old can be making her lunch and getting her stuff together for school. She should be functioning pretty independently at this age. She should also be doing some household chores.

You're also going to have to get 10 year old to be getting his school things together. He can start making some basic lunches. He can do chores.

You need a family sit down to spread the load. If they don't step up, they fail. They might have to wear dirty clothes or go without lunch or forget something. Tough. Consequences.

Automate as much as you can. If they don't start contributing to the household they live in via chores and sharing the load, you hire cleaners, uber, and that's less money for activities and such. They don't get allowance if they don't share the work. The free ride is done.

Your husband is lazy and he's not a great, as he's modelling that it's okay to let one parent do the majority of the donkey work.

time to stop being so fucking efficient superwoman. Maybe time to drop a few balls mainly things he will notice like his laundry and meals and bedroom antics.

To be fair to my 10 year old he does get his school bag packed himself & he gets his football training stuff ready each night ready for the next so he does do bits. He could do more.

To be totally honest all 3 of them could their all mature for their age in many ways and are more than capable but I (my own fault) I've done it all these years so it's expected that mum will sort now.

you are 100% right though on this. thank you

It sounds like you’re being a bit hard on yourself by saying it's your own fault. Anyway you've decided this approach isn’t working for you anymore and you need more help to feel more balanced. Regardless of their reaction, it's completely OK to change your mind now and do something different. It might be difficult at first but it can become the new norm. You got this 🌟

Decide what you have to do to complete the basic tasks that are absolutely essential. Drop everything else and stick to it

Go on holiday for a week. Either alone or with a friend.

A) You need the break
B) You deserve the break
C) There are only so many times you can have the same conversations with the same people. It sounds like they need to experience you not being around for a decent length of time to realise just how much you do. It might put a stop to the piss-taking.

If it doesn't have a positive lasting effect, then you will need to consider taking more drastic options, versus a life of being the household maid who is taken for granted. If your 'D'H really is a darling then he will up his game and lead by example - children learn from both their parents.

DO NOT RETURN EARLY!💐

Stop being a martyr. Tell your DH that he does the homework this week while you are getting dinner or the other way round. On weekends tell him he does the laundry one day you the next. You know share the load.
And get a cleaner if that helps , they can strip and remake the beds for one thing (the my kids did their own from about age 12).
And I am an actual single parent (widow) and it’s not the same at all - there’s way more to parenting than the physical stuff. I did EVERYTHING, including the financial and emotional part.

I am seriously considering doing exactly this.

No you aren't.. lol.

You sound just like my sister, does everything in the house, constantly complains about lack of contribution from her husband and child.. but STILL carries on doing everything around the house and everything for them.

She occasionally loses her shit and has a go at them, they may begrudgingly do the task that she'd already asked them 10 times previously, but they don't ever change the pattern going forward, she's the main breadwinner too and she is at breaking point, but they never step up.. housework, laundry, shopping, cooking is ALL seen as her job which they occasionally 'help' with, I don't know why she tolerates it to be honest.

I asked my nephew once why he doesn't just help when his mum asks him and he says if he ignores it enough times she does it herself with no repercussions for him.. says it all really, he has never had to contribute anything around the house growing up and now doesn't see it as something he should have to do., he's a nice lad.. but he is lazy and incompetent and completely takes his mum for granted.

With a 7 year old, you've got at least another 10 years of this, it's never too late to change, but it's YOU who needs to change before they will!

Thank you all for your advice I've taken it all onboard and you are all right!

There are going to be some big changes going on in my house starting tomorrow. (I'm out at football training with my eldest boy tonight and we won't be home till 9pm).

Eldest has already been told this morning that she isn't going to the gym & is to be straight home from school...... she has a nice basket of clean washing she can separate into piles and put in each bedroom...... 10 year old is home from school too so he can get his put away, get sorted for training and eat his (already made) dinner ready for me take him training.

I also made sure both the boys this morning, made their own beds and brought there washing down.... watch this space.

'D'H is a work in progress we're currently not on speaking terms 😂he's still sulking at me for losing my shit on Sunday and telling him I think he's a massive selfish, thoughtless twat! Truth hurts I guess!

You are not being a brat and you need to have an honest chat with your DH about sharing the workload and with your DC about expectations. But please don't call yourself a single parent ( at least not to your friends). I was a single parent and having no physical or emotional backup at all and all financial pressures being on me were a really big part of that. I remember being really hurt when one of my friends with a high earning husband said she also felt like a single parent.

I apologise if I caused any offence with the single mum comment.

I didn't mean it literally. etc. The point is the burden of the parenting/emotional support etc is on me. Oh I also manage all the finances and bills etc.... but yes I do obviously have his salary coming in to the home which I of course wouldn't have as a single mum so I do get where you are all coming from on that. I actually salute you guys who do this shit alone because I feel like my heads going to drop off right now!

DH is good with (some) housework so I can't fault him much there he will get involved and do his share
comes home, hoovers up, puts a few clothes away
I'm a single parent and this is nothing like being a single parent so YABU for that.

He's not doing enough though and he's being a twat for sulking when you called him out.
Can you write down every single thing that you do and everything that he does and ask him to explain how he thinks it's fair?

It's hard with the kids, you've got to be consistent and firm.
I go through phases where I say they need to help more and make them do it but then it slides because it seems easier to stop nagging and just do it myself. So I'm not that great at taking my own advice.

You are 100% right that I'm being unreasonable re single parent comment.

Haha yes, this is the issues isn't it, stay firm and insist they do it etc but alot of the time it just results in more arguments and raised voices hence why we end up slacking etc. They have to learn though I'm going to have to be firm this time.

With DH I'm really not arsed about him sulking tbh he can sulk all he wants, I actually don't need to ask him for anything or need him for anything so he will soon need me first. I'm all sorted. Housework all done and those kids WILL be doing their jobs tonight as soon as they are home from School. DH will have youngest tonight, he only has to warm his tea up for him as I've already prepared it. DH can see to himself me and the kids are done. I have plans for weekend also... I'm taking the approach of if he doesn't want to or cba to actually be fully present with family life then fine.... I will crack on without him and then see when he starts feeling left out! I'm done with arguing about it. It's not the first time I've raised this with him. Like another poster said above it slips back to the usual ways after a while! Clearly talking isn't working so I will start acting and maybe he will realise then that muggins isn't a mug nomore!

At that age your children should be sorting out what they need for school and a lot more responsible for cleaning and housework in general.

A single parent is usually coping on their one salary. You have two full time salaries coming in. If you need more support in the house and your DH won’t step up, then use his salary to employ some additional help.

Sorry @Boymummy2015 I cross posted earlier about the single parent thing.
I didn't mean to join a pile on.

With my ex I had the same attitude as you with the not helping and the sulking. I totally ignored the sulking and I stopped doing his washing, cooking etc. I just breezily got on with my life and looking after the kids, because he needed me more than I needed him.
It was the beginning of the end though, because I'd just lost all respect for him and it was a pointless way to go on.
Being a lone parent is doing it on your own but at least without that resentment of having a "partner" in the house who is watching you struggle.

He was a total shit though and there were much worse things going on with him.
Hopefully your husband is decent and will step up when he realises you're serious and you can sort it out.

And without that partners income as well

Threaten/ bribe kids unto doing more of their own stuff until it becomes second nature. I was a single parent, my kids did have to sort stuff out from a young age as I wasn't their slave and wanted to instill good habits.

As for the husband, yeah let him sulk

The 14yo can surely walk, cycle or take the bus to the gym. More exercise that way too!

She walks from School to the gym but I mainly pick her up coming home but yes, she absolutely can walk back.

She is currently at home and been told to get her bedroom tidied, glasses and dishes in the dishwasher and the pile of clean washing put away....... she is now sulking, lets see if she has done it all as otherwise she will be getting no spends this week!

10 yo DS has done himself proud tonight, walked home from School (its very safe no roads etc to cross and DD in before him), he has put his pasta in the microwave to warm up and is now getting his training clothes on before eating ready for me to pick him up at 4.45. I think he will actually be the one to step up abit more, he is keen for trust and responsibility so I'm hoping he will be the one to keep this up. It's taken ALOT for me to allow him to walk home.

DH still sulking 😂😂 it's actually quite amusing now tbh.