Feel like a single mum at the minute

[Boymummy2015]

Sooo, I want honesty please.... am I in the wrong/being unreasonable....

My DH and I have 3 kids, aged 14,10 & 7 both work full time in demanding and pressured roles, however, the last few months I am really feeling the pressure from all angles and I feel like I'm doing the parenting pretty much alone.

DH is good with (some) housework so I can't fault him much there he will get involved and do his share but he seems to think that doing that and then taking one of our boys to football at weekend is his part finished.

I'm the one left to cover, majority of cleaning, cooking, kids packed lunches, training nights/matches toing and frowing from one to the other, taking our teenage daughter to the gym/picking her up, I deal with all School issues/matters for the 3 kids, before & after school childcare/clubs etc, homework, reading, spellings, bedtime for the 2 younger ones, I get them all up and sorted for School in a morning. Christmas & bdays always left to me to sort.

My DH isn't lazy & he is a great dad but I feel like he has a very warped picture of what family life is actually about and what parenting involves. He thinks he's done after an early morning gym session, work then comes home, hoovers up, puts a few clothes away and thats him done. Meanwhile I'm in & out and up and down the stairs seeing to the kids making sure they all have what they need for School etc etc cooking, cleaning. I'm at breaking point and something has to give I can't keep taking it all on and dealing with him as well. If he's in then be in if not then I'd rather cut my losses and call it a day.

Sorry for the rant but can you guys offer any advice or please do tell me if I'm being a spoilt brat!

If you both work can you afford to hire a cleaner outside help.

A cleaner is certainly an option even if it's just one day a week tbh it would just take the pressure off. I think It's just the attitudes in all honesty of "oh she will do that" or "oh mum will sort it" sick of feeling like they all just take me for granted.

DH went to the supermarket on his dinner the other day this is the typical male attitude he has..... he went because he knew he needed salmon (only he eats it) and certain protein yoghurts he likes but had no clue whatelse was needed 😂 he wouldn't think to think about making the kids packed lunches and infact on Tuesday I got in with our eldest boy at 8.45 from football training he was sat eating a bowl of fruit, hadn't bothered to think of making me any and packed lunches still needed to be made.

I'd finished work at 5 gone straight to training for 6 with my dinner heated up in the microwave, ate it in the car and stood in the cold till 7.45 whilst he was home with the other 2 who's meals I'd already prepared etc 😏

Whilst I think he is a total selfish bastard I don't think it's a conscious thing with him maybe he is just that numb he doesn't think 😂

YABU because you write he isn’t lazy. But if he’s watching you kill yourself doing the vast majority then he is lazy. Very lazy. And awful. That’s not loving to you.

if you think it’s just that he’s simple then you need to clearly spell it out to him. Give him a list for the supermarket, text him things he needs to do. And say I’ll prompt you for a few days and then I expect you to continue and use your own initiative doing adulting. Tbh im shocked you’ve let this continue for years before getting fucked off. I have 3 kids much smaller than yours and I tell my husband when he’s not pulling his weight and he knows it!!

Unless you are SOLELY financially responsible for your kids then you are not a single mum. You are not even close! Saying you are, is offensive to those of us who ARE doing it all solo….100% solo, with no co-parent.

You’ve said he isn’t lazy and is a great dad yet have gone on to describe all the ways he actually isn’t.

Be clear, be direct and stop being a push over.

That includes the kids as well. They’re all old enough to be able to do things around the house.

Yes ok, we have covered this already and I have apologised for any offence!

Did you point out to him what you had done and what he should have been doing at home? I'd just be interested in whether he could see your point once you clearly said.. I did X, Y, Z, etc.. and haven't sat down since 8am this morning.. Or perhaps he is still just sulking and refusing to admit you have a point at all!

Don’t underestimate what all your kids are capable of. At 7 years old, despite her being disabled, my daughter was involved in household chores. She could empty and fill the dishwasher, clean bathrooms, vacuum (in her own way), change her own bed, put a wash on. If you give them responsibility, they can do it.

Write a list of all the chores in the house, give them a number they need to do (less for the littles, more for the older ones) and ask them to pick which ones they want to do. Teach them what needs to be done and set timings for them. DH will be involved too, he picks his tasks as well. They can sulk all they like, but the bottom line is, you will NOT be doing their chores on your own time. If the laundry isn’t done, they have no clean clothes. If their lunch isn’t packed, they don’t get lunch. If you have to do something because they wouldn’t, they don’t get the lift to wherever they want to go. If the dishes aren’t done, the WIFI goes off. Set up a separate kids wifi (which you should have anyway with proper parental controls on it) which you can switch on and off at will.

Stand firm, don’t get angry, just calmly remind them of the rules. As you sit with a coffee and read a book. It will feel like chaos for a short while but nothing focuses a child’s mind quicker than realising the privileges they have come with responsibilities.

You didn’t spoil your children. They have two parents. He’s as responsible for how your kids are as you are. If they see him getting away with doing less because mum does it, they will follow his example.

Haha he's still sulking although he trying to speak to me.

I'm currently speaking (i use that loosely) to him in work (we work together) about work and at home when the children are around as I don't want them to pick up on it. But he is trying to speak and last night came in without being asked and helped more without me mentioning anything whilst I sorted meals, did the kids homework and get the packed lunches done. I managed to sit down at 7.45 last night with a choccy bar and watched tv for an hour before bed woohooooooo! This is all I ask of him, to share the load.

With 3 kids and working it's going to be hectic I don't expect to come home and do nothing it's part and parcel of family life especially as the kids are also busy and have hobbies which I love and encourage so much but fucking hell its frustrating when I'm rushed off my feet still in my work stuff and he waltzes in hoovers up then gets a shower and sits chilling out. What really fucks me off as well is when they all sit and watch me struggle in with shopping etc ARRRGGHHHH that fucking grates on me.

So if a single mum is financially secure and has a good support network, she shouldn’t consider herself a single mum? She has it just as easy as a mum who has a husband who pulls his weight? That’s a strange take. When my husband was away for work for extended periods, my sister (who is a single mum) reckons I had it much harder than she did. She lived close to my parents who could pick up any balls she dropped. I had no-one. I never considered myself a single mum, that was her take on it.

We all knew what OP meant, we don’t need to be reminded that some people have it harder than others, whether they are single or not.

Drafting in a paid person to do what people in the home are capable of doing if they all muck in, isn’t a good solution.

Well done for going postal on them. Now you have to keep it up with your DH and channel your best "feeling lucky punk?" Dirty Harry until it starts to sink in.

It's no good if he steps up for a few days then goes back to being a lazy arse.

A defined split of some tasks is often useful because men seem to understand specific instructions better than using their initiative. I handed over laundry and ironing to DH who, after a few washing disasters, got his head around it and does a good job.

Horses for courses and all that.

I feel for you - I'm in pretty much the same situation with my 'D'H and kids at the moment. You are not being unreasonable!!

I made a comment to him the other day about something and the next thing I was being accused of being 'controlling'!

Haven't really got any more advice on top of what others have already said. I'm at the stage now where I will be sitting them down this weekend and giving out lists of tasks they can all do (putting their washing in the basket and making their own lunch etc) and if they don't do it, they wont have what they need/want! I'm too exhausted to be having the same conversation all the time. Its hard getting the kids to do more around the house when they don't see BOTH parents doing their fair share,