Does anyone else ever feel like they’re drowning.

[Lifeneedsaresetagain]

I feel like I'm drowning and don't know how to reset. I've been the main/only earner for 10 years and husband faffs around pretending to be self employed then complains when he gets work. 3 years ago we left London sold our house there and moved to the Cotswolds we've been doing a house up non stop for 3 years. All the financial pressure is on me in those 3 years I've put on 30lbs I'm continuously chained to my desk, I run my own consulting business and feel like I need a compete reset as in to stand all clients down, and spend q4 prioritising myself. Get the weight off, enjoy long dog walks, ditch the alchol and have a reset and come back to the business in January.

What’s DH saying when you say this? Feels like you need a sustained change where work is more balanced rather than a break then returning to the current set up.

What was the plan with all these huge changes? Have you got a joint vision of the future and how to get there?

You sound very successful. Could you employ someone to take some of the work?

Would you still have a business in January if you did that? It sounds like the husband needs to pony up or ship out... He doesn't sound at all helpful!

You can stop the alcohol anyway and start a healthy eating plan -making small changes might hugely increase your energy levels

Yes, Stevie Smith’s most famous poem has always resonated with me:

”I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.”

For a lot of us there just isn’t any solution, and whatever you do to ask for help nothing ever changes. I suppose that’s life.

If you can, maybe ask DH to take on a part time job to ease things financially? I realise that’s easier said than done.

I know it’s not but it sounds easy: 1) talk to your husband 2) do what you say you need to x

I need a reset. I enjoy what I do, and with the build of the house when you own your own businesses it’s too easy to keep taking more work on. He doesn’t really say much. Ideally he could take some pressure off financially by getting a job, or making his self employed business get more work.

Pack a bag and take yourself off somewhere lovely for some breathing space at the weekend. Take the space and re focus and relax. I wouldn't cut my clients though.

I could yes. That could work when I go back to it in Jan, to take the load off. Right now I just need a break.

Yes, what I do is easy to dial up or down.

It’s not energy levels it’s brain levels, my head needs a rest.

What's your husband actually doing with his days while you're doing all the work and he's "pretending to be self employed"?

He should either commit himself to this job fully, or call it quits and go and get another job that's a bit less dependent on his own "get up and go".

@zingally he’s been working on creative projects that don't pay. Ir charity or cause related stuff

Ditch the DH as well as the weight?

Well, it's great you have that option, and if you can take it and actually commit to it, then I would.

Many people who are also 'drowning' – single parents, full-time employees with small kids, those with caring responsibilities etc, don't have anything like that option.

So yes – good advice is to take whatever workable options are available to you.

@Didimum we’re now also caring for/helping DH parents on a daily basis as 82 year old dad in law just had bowel cancer surgery and this week is what has broke me. Straw, camels back and all.

Can I ask old are you? Sorry if I missed that. Regardless of any possible hormonal or life stage things it really sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Will the reset work if you are just coming back to the same situation with your DH. Are you able to think about what happens beyond the reset to make more sustainable changes?

That might sound facetious but truly, DH is faffing about on whatever he fancies, not earning, while you are keeping it all financially afloat and still helping out with his dad?? Surely he can at least cover his dad's care if he's not tied to a paid work schedule.

He’s letting you drown, OP, while he sits on the shore.

Yes, elder care is often the enormous bunch of hay bales that breaks the camel’s back. Do join us on the Elderly Parents board.

If DH is currently not working in any consistent sense, then there really shouldn’t be much of that that falls to you - at least not in the first week!

If you can take a break financially, do. I wonder if there is a National Insurance benefit to seeing your GP and getting an actual fit note? It’s always a good idea to get a medical review when you’re this stressed - blood pressure check, medication review.

I would wind down at end of Sept or whenever you can finish the work you have on now.
Don't take on any new work

Take 3 months off and come back in Jan if this is indeed a viable.option for your business and you won't lose clients.

If DH is being faffy about his own WFH stuff (I have one of these - they expect your time to manage) - perhaps encourage a Christmas contract somewhere

1. For the money
2. To get him out of your way

Caring responsibilities are going to add to your pressures so if you can genuinely afford, monetarily and relationship (family and client) to take 3 months off before you burn out it is 100% worth it.

What worries me op is the risk of taking the break and then everything being the same when you return. Even if the weight comes off, it's easy for it to creep back on etc.

I've known people to do this type of thing and all too often it helps while they are off, then they are back to the same spot.

If it's easy to dial up or down, could you redraw your day putting the things you want to achieve for yourself (walks, healthy food etc) first and then the work comes after that?

Take a couple of weeks for that op.It might help. We all tend to go for holidays that involve closing up the house, packing suitcases, creating laundry, adding cost etc.

Just rest at home for two weeks.

That way you are not investing too much in stepping away.

This is a good compromise too op. In reality, very little happens in December except Christmas parties.

“We’re”? Or is it all you?

Are there reasons he feels this is justifiable? Because most people feel a job has to pay unless they are extremely wealthy or running a household for others.