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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel 4th days?

34 replies

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:35

I’ve been chatting to come one for nearly 8 weeks, met 2 weeks ago and had 3 dates. Next date is this week. For the first 6/7 weeks communication was via text and was mostly daily. It was only 1/2 texts but kept the momentum going. Last date was Wednesday but I didn’t hear from him Thursday to Sunday. For me that’s too long and now I just don’t want to go in the date. I just feel like all connection has gone by not having communication for 3 days which I know probably sounds ridiculous.

YANBU- 3 days is quite long when dating and if this is his style it’s probably going to get worse and cause you more stress.

YABU- the date was arranged so the interest is there. 3 days isn’t that long. Just go with the flow and go in the date.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 15/09/2025 12:39

Did you message him between Thursday and Sunday?

DiscoBob · 15/09/2025 12:39

I'd text him the day before just to say 'still up for meeting tomorrow at x?'
If no reply then I wouldn't go.

Me personally I wouldn't mind no contact with someone I barely know for three days. But if you have a bad feeling about it at this stage that's not a great sign.

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:43

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:35

I’ve been chatting to come one for nearly 8 weeks, met 2 weeks ago and had 3 dates. Next date is this week. For the first 6/7 weeks communication was via text and was mostly daily. It was only 1/2 texts but kept the momentum going. Last date was Wednesday but I didn’t hear from him Thursday to Sunday. For me that’s too long and now I just don’t want to go in the date. I just feel like all connection has gone by not having communication for 3 days which I know probably sounds ridiculous.

YANBU- 3 days is quite long when dating and if this is his style it’s probably going to get worse and cause you more stress.

YABU- the date was arranged so the interest is there. 3 days isn’t that long. Just go with the flow and go in the date.

So he kept his weekend free, and now he's breadcrumbing you, whereas before he was far more keen.

He's just not that into you.

(Sorry didn't mean to quote the post)

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:44

NuffSaidSam · 15/09/2025 12:39

Did you message him between Thursday and Sunday?

No I didn’t. I was last to text Thursday and we do usually ‘take in turns’. I have anxiety and possible ocd regarding dating and relationships so struggle with what is normal or acceptable and fear becoming over bearing so tend to let the other person lead the communication. He did text yesterday but by then I’d had it in my head it had lost interest.

OP posts:
Iris2020 · 15/09/2025 12:46

Honestly in my experience you're probably right. I wouldn't bother going.

TickyandTacky · 15/09/2025 12:46

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:44

No I didn’t. I was last to text Thursday and we do usually ‘take in turns’. I have anxiety and possible ocd regarding dating and relationships so struggle with what is normal or acceptable and fear becoming over bearing so tend to let the other person lead the communication. He did text yesterday but by then I’d had it in my head it had lost interest.

Show quote history

It sounds like you hold him to a greater standard than you do for yourself.

sweetpickle2 · 15/09/2025 12:47

It doesn't really matter if other people think 3 days is too long or fine. The fact is its too long for you, so clearly your communication styles are different. Throw this one back.

Are you seeking therapy for your anxious attachment style? You need to work on that before you're dating seriously, I think.

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:47

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:43

So he kept his weekend free, and now he's breadcrumbing you, whereas before he was far more keen.

He's just not that into you.

(Sorry didn't mean to quote the post)

Edited
Show quote history

he did have his kids but they are older and he usually texts when he has them. I sense suppose I do sense interest has wained hence my reservation.

OP posts:
terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:47

For the first 6/7 weeks communication was via text and was mostly daily. It was only 1/2 texts but kept the momentum going. Last date was Wednesday but I didn’t hear from him Thursday to Sunday.

Unless something happened like he was in hospital for three days, then yes he has lost interest.

He's breadcrumbing you so he has a back up plan.

I suppose if you are really keen you could go on one more date and see if he explains why the sudden desire to keep his entire weekend free and not bother to message you for four days when he had been doing so daily before. I wouldn't bother though. The start of a relationship is meant to be the super keen bit, if he's not bothered now, it won't improve.

Doggymummar · 15/09/2025 12:47

I found it much better to meet quickly when I was dating online. If we didn't meet within 72 hours I lost interest. If you are both looking for relationships that should be plenty of time. In this case if he had been in touch then he is still interested, but it sounds like you are not so tell him.

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:49

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:47

he did have his kids but they are older and he usually texts when he has them. I sense suppose I do sense interest has wained hence my reservation.

Show quote history

Everyone can text once a day. Absolutely everyone. If that was not his previous style, then it wouldn't be weird. But it wasn't, so it is.

And not to message you after a date is also kind of rude, imo.

You could give it one more date to see, if you really want to. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:49

sweetpickle2 · 15/09/2025 12:47

It doesn't really matter if other people think 3 days is too long or fine. The fact is its too long for you, so clearly your communication styles are different. Throw this one back.

Are you seeking therapy for your anxious attachment style? You need to work on that before you're dating seriously, I think.

Yes I am awaiting an assessment for talking therapy. Ive been single for 5 years and thought I’d worked through my anxiety and issues as I managed the chatting etc well for the first 6 weeks but once we met it was through the roof again and I have been thinking too that maybe I need to give it a rest completely until I have worked through it.

OP posts:
FruitFlyPie · 15/09/2025 12:50

I'm not one that enjoys texting people all day long but three days with no contact after talking for 8 weeks? When I'm dating someone I'd expect daily messages tbh. Sounds like you've both lost interest.

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:51

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:47

For the first 6/7 weeks communication was via text and was mostly daily. It was only 1/2 texts but kept the momentum going. Last date was Wednesday but I didn’t hear from him Thursday to Sunday.

Unless something happened like he was in hospital for three days, then yes he has lost interest.

He's breadcrumbing you so he has a back up plan.

I suppose if you are really keen you could go on one more date and see if he explains why the sudden desire to keep his entire weekend free and not bother to message you for four days when he had been doing so daily before. I wouldn't bother though. The start of a relationship is meant to be the super keen bit, if he's not bothered now, it won't improve.

Edited

He did have his kids so that’s why there was no date during the weekend but yes I feel like the interest has wained and he isn’t as keen as he was. I would have preferred to meet quickly but it was the school hols and our availability clashed the whole period.

OP posts:
JimmyGiraffe · 15/09/2025 12:52

If its causing your anxiety OP, then its not the right situation, no matter what anyone else thinks

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:52

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:51

He did have his kids so that’s why there was no date during the weekend but yes I feel like the interest has wained and he isn’t as keen as he was. I would have preferred to meet quickly but it was the school hols and our availability clashed the whole period.

Show quote history

My gut says you're right. But again, you could try one last date if you are really keen. Then if he keeps up the breadcrumbing you will know for sure.

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:53

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:49

Everyone can text once a day. Absolutely everyone. If that was not his previous style, then it wouldn't be weird. But it wasn't, so it is.

And not to message you after a date is also kind of rude, imo.

You could give it one more date to see, if you really want to. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Edited
Show quote history

He did text me after the date. There was a bit of texting Wednesday night, Thursday am and then nothing but yes there isn’t the effort that was there prior to the dates.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:54

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:52

My gut says you're right. But again, you could try one last date if you are really keen. Then if he keeps up the breadcrumbing you will know for sure.

Show quote history

I was keen but now completely put off. Part of the reason is fear of rejection, so the change in communication and lack of contact doesn’t help with that.

OP posts:
terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:56

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:53

He did text me after the date. There was a bit of texting Wednesday night, Thursday am and then nothing but yes there isn’t the effort that was there prior to the dates.

Show quote history

Hmm.

I ended a fledgling relationship, back in 2017 (I know it was then because that was my first and only foray into online dating) because he was breadcrumbing me. I said to him that he was obviously good with low contact, but that I was not, and that as this was the start of the relationship when we were both putting our best foot forward - as it were - it was obvious to me it wouldn't work.

I was really polite and told him that since our expectations for dating were different it wouldn't work out, no judgement - in fact I made sure to say to him that he was entitled to only text a few times a week and I was equally entitled to expect a message every day. So, no hard feelings, good luck out there, bye.

He went bananas at me, and blocked me 😅

In the end, you have to feel comfortable and respected. Do you?

NuffSaidSam · 15/09/2025 12:57

I think you need to cancel the next date and move on. He's put you off now so go with your gut and end this now.

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 13:01

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:49

Everyone can text once a day. Absolutely everyone. If that was not his previous style, then it wouldn't be weird. But it wasn't, so it is.

And not to message you after a date is also kind of rude, imo.

You could give it one more date to see, if you really want to. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Edited
Show quote history

Not the OP though, she cant text once a day, as she didnt text him on those days.

Is it possible he was busy with his children, so maybe on the Friday didnt text you, but as he saw that you didnt text he thought to himself "maybe she's not interested in me"?

These things are a 2 way street arent they.

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 13:02

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:56

Hmm.

I ended a fledgling relationship, back in 2017 (I know it was then because that was my first and only foray into online dating) because he was breadcrumbing me. I said to him that he was obviously good with low contact, but that I was not, and that as this was the start of the relationship when we were both putting our best foot forward - as it were - it was obvious to me it wouldn't work.

I was really polite and told him that since our expectations for dating were different it wouldn't work out, no judgement - in fact I made sure to say to him that he was entitled to only text a few times a week and I was equally entitled to expect a message every day. So, no hard feelings, good luck out there, bye.

He went bananas at me, and blocked me 😅

In the end, you have to feel comfortable and respected. Do you?

Show quote history

I don’t feel disrespected as such a it’s probably more a situation of us having different communication styles. We did actually first connect in 2017, but neither of us can remember why we stopped chatting and didn’t meet. Maybe this was why! I will never know!

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 15/09/2025 13:04

I don’t have any advice but I’m totally with you on the anxiety and anxious attachment style. I think I need therapy myself. I find dating so difficult and it makes me just want to stay single if I’m honest.

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 13:05

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 13:01

Not the OP though, she cant text once a day, as she didnt text him on those days.

Is it possible he was busy with his children, so maybe on the Friday didnt text you, but as he saw that you didnt text he thought to himself "maybe she's not interested in me"?

These things are a 2 way street arent they.

Show quote history

As far as I know, she texted him every day. She said he didn't contact her, did not say she did not contact him.

Anway, I have given all the advice I can usefully give, so am off to do other things now.

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 13:09

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 13:01

Not the OP though, she cant text once a day, as she didnt text him on those days.

Is it possible he was busy with his children, so maybe on the Friday didnt text you, but as he saw that you didnt text he thought to himself "maybe she's not interested in me"?

These things are a 2 way street arent they.

Show quote history

Yep but I was last to text on Thursday and we usually text back and forth, not double text so me double texting would have been not the pattern we had developed

OP posts: