For expecting my friend to make more of an effort versus me when I am newly post partum?

[Hellskitchen24]

I got a long ranting text off a friend of mine saying why I wasn’t making an effort with her any more. No how are you, how is the baby etc, just why hadn’t I been in contact with her and if I “had a problem I should let her know”. I don’t have a problem; I have a high needs baby that is taking up all of my time. She knows this. She’s seen the baby twice since she’s been born as she refuses to drive to my house as she’s apparently too anxious driving here. It’s a 40 minute drive so not exactly hours. I always used to go to hers for the 10 years I’ve known her. She’s always trauma dumped on me, EVERYTHING is a drama and about her, and now I don’t really care about her drama (in the nicest possible way) it’s like I’m the worst person in the world.

Also, she never initiates contact or meets with me, it’s always been me organising. Is this just a friendship I should knock on the head? I don’t have time for people this needy who can’t understand why I might not be so present at the moment.

Congratulations on your newborn! Perhaps message back that you don’t have a problem just that having a newborn is taking up your time and headspace? And that you can’t get out as easily at the moment? Seems an easy enough fix, admittedly she is being a little odd in the message - but if she has already been round to see the baby twice that’s a positive surely. Considering your little one is only brand new and you are in the immediate postpartum period having already visited the baby twice is good and encouraging. When people don’t have children themselves it’s hard to know how it can feel sometimes.

I would just send a thumbs up then block her.

She sounds selfish, and you get nothing from this friendship, so there's nothing to lose.

If she is childfree she might honestly not realise how draining/all consuming the newborn phase is. So in fairness to her maybe send one text spelling it out - you have no free time, you have no free energy, you are physically recovering and looking after an infant while getting no sleep, and while you do not have a problem with her she cannot expect anything from you right now.

and then leave it. If she is a good friend and worth keeping in your life she will respond by asking if you need anything/offering to visit or chat when it suits you. If she’s not, then she will either blank you or respond with more accusations or demands - either way that gives you certainty and you know how much effort (if any) to put in to the friendship in future.

The comments you make towards the end of your post suggest you’d welcome a chance to step back from her. Her ranty message makes that easier.

“Jan, nothing is up but I’m really busy with my baby and it’s easier to see people here than to travel. You know where I am when you want to get together but I understand you’re busy”.

Maybe point out that you've done all the travelling for the past 10 years so now it's her turn?

I'd just step back from the friendship though, it doesn't sound like an equal friendship. She's a taker, not a giver, and that isn't what you need postpartum.

Get rid of the friendship. You’ve tolerated her neediness for a long time, far longer than you should have. Now is the time you need her to think more about your needs but she cannot do it, she’s selfish. One of those friends who doesn’t really care about their friends, just what they get out of them. You don’t need that.

Id knock it on the head “friend you are being more needy than my newborn, this isnt working for me.”

I’m over 4 months post partum so it’s twice in that time x

You've answered your own questions. You don't have time anymore.

That's actually fine in my view. Presumably, she's also busy - just not with a baby.

Send a text explaining why first, and then if she doesn't get it, stop making an effort.

Wait till you are feeling calm before responding. Agree with sending something along the lines of what @WhenIAmKing wrote. Two times in four months is an okay amount in my opinion. But if the friendship is to remain she must appreciate that the dynamics have changed, and they’ll always be different now. While the newborn stage is intense, particularly with a high needs first, all stages are demanding in their way. You are unlikely to have the capacity for trauma dumping in the future, honestly. I’d see how she responds to the message, the friendship could evolve in time or you could do a bit of a slow fade. Blocking a friend for sending one arsey message is a bit extreme in real life I think, but there is a reason some friendships don’t last when people have kids.

You did all the travelling for 10 years because she wouldn't drive to you, so she's used to you putting her first all those years and she won't change now Op. I'd message and say with the baby you don't have much time for visiting but if it's a all about her and her drama she won't understand

People like this really get my goat. You've had some really good and balanced suggestions, but if you'd like an unhinged one... I'd tell her to fuck off 🤣

@WhenIAmKing 's text is great, I'd send that.

Having a high needs baby and then visiting and being trauma dumped on. Nope. She is not your priority anymore and it'll be a good time to reassess a friendship that's no longer serving you. Enjoy your baby instead.

Wow, she sounds unbelievable!
YANBU at all. Oh, and congrats! 💐

I sent a really nice text saying it wasn’t intentional I was just really busy with the baby but she hasn’t replied. Read it, but hasn’t replied!

Oh God OP stop pandering to her neediness!

Tell her to come and visit YOU or Fuck Off!

Honestly I’d just ghost and block after that. When she’s reading back your messages stewing over why you haven’t replied, she’ll have her tirade there in front of her, unanswered, and she’ll realise she’s a dickhead. And if she doesn’t realise then that’s all the more reason it was good you cut her off. Life is too short for that drama, I’d just knock it on the head. Her loss. Congrats on the baby!

Assuming you made your OP soon after her initial text, you’ve just replied within and hour or 2 showing her that you can reply despite the baby and that she was ‘right’ to kick off. Validated her! Nooooo honestly don’t entertain this shit. Now she knows she just has to be a demanding bitch and you’ll do what she wants.

I don’t think 4 months is newly post partum?

however, I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you’ve said.

When I saw the thread title, I was fully expecting it to be one of those 'I have a baby now and therefore my barren friends must fuss around me constantly while I hold court and revel in my motherhood' posts and was think you'd be the unreasonable one... but no, your friend sounds like an absolute twat. Honestly, I'd be inclined to tell her to fuck right off. Of course you're not going to be at her beck and call when you've got a four-month old baby, and it's really not your fault that she apparently can't cope with a 40-minute drive to your house.

You've been a lot nicer to her than I would have been!

True! But this bit feels much harder than the newborn stage so it feels that way 😅😅

I really should do this but I’ve obviously been too soft! She’s been to my house once in 10 years x

True. I didn’t think of it like that but you are right. I’ve pandered to her and her needs and her dramas for years and now I’m not available she’s playing the victim.