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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this isn’t a fair arrangement?

29 replies

Waitingforautumn9 · 14/09/2025 16:54

my Partner is a good partner and a great dad however I am carrying a huge load of our day to day lives. We have a 1 year old and I do all the appointments and admin, all the washing, cleaning and hoovering. He will occasionally do the washing up say once every couple of weeks however he says he doesn’t like to clean as I will criticise him. He will always leave boxers and dirty clothes lying about. He pays for the bills and the mortgage but I pay for all our food and the nursery bill. I organise all the food shppping and meals and near enough everything else you can think of barring a bit of diy here and there. Obviously the way I have worded this post it’s in my favour but that’s because I definitely do a lot more in my opinion. Is this normal or am I doing too much?

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 17:02

No its not fair, why should you be picking his dirty pants off the floor.

TheCosyViewer · 14/09/2025 17:04

If you are both working full-time, then no, definitely he’s not doing enough. He’s actually doing nothing at all really, is he ? At the very least, I’d stop doing any laundry for him, gather up what he leaves lying around and fling it into the bottom of his wardrobe. When supermarket shopping - don’t include any food that only he likes or any toiletries for him.

WhenIAmKing · 14/09/2025 17:06

I’m not sure we can really tell from that. But I recommend fair play cards - if you go through them together you can really identify what all the household/family jobs are and check if you are balanced fairly.

WhenIAmKing · 14/09/2025 17:06

www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

Lollytea655 · 14/09/2025 17:07

Are you both working full time?

Whoevenarethey · 14/09/2025 17:07

Do you criticise his cleaning? In the nicest possible way some women do make a fuss over their partners not doing it properly so if you have complained about his cleaning in the past or gone back to do it properly then he would have a point.

I guess as you pay for food/nursery you also work?

Though I never understand these arrangements where one person pays for xyz and the other person pays for everything else. Surely you need to look at costs overall and work this out proportionally and have a joint account.

If you both work full time then I don't think it is fair and he needs to do more....also if he is genuinely leaving dirty washing lying around then I wouldn't be washing it. Even my kids can put washing in a basket so I know it's dirty.

Mumofteenandtween · 14/09/2025 17:08

If he is paying the mortgage does that mean the house is in his name? So he is getting himself an asset whilst you are paying the nursery bill?

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 14/09/2025 17:09

If he is paying the mortgage, are you on it, and are you married?

MyElatedUmberFinch · 14/09/2025 17:09

If you aren’t happy with the division of chores stop facilitating it. It’s easy to stop doing his laundry and making his meals.

WatchingTheDetective · 14/09/2025 17:09

I'm concerned he's paying the mortgage but you're making a good contribution in terms of food etc. This makes you financially vulnerable.

He must be a complete idiot if he thinks that a) him picking up his dirty clothes might upset you in some way and b) if he thinks you will want a sexual relationship with someone who leaves his dirty clothes for you to pick up.

DaisyChain505 · 14/09/2025 17:10

You have contradicted yourself.

First he’s a good partner and great dad and then you go on to list all the ways he actually isn’t either.

A good partner and great dad pulls their weight around the house and respects their partner and wouldn’t want them doing everything.

Ddakji · 14/09/2025 17:11

Not sure why you’ve described him as a great dad and partner and then described him such a way that he’s clearly neither of those things.

Dublassie · 14/09/2025 17:15

He sounds useless to me ! Why would anyone tolerate this ? Picking up his underwear ???!!!

FrustratedOldLady · 14/09/2025 17:20

Are you on the house deeds? If not, you’re being shafted. He’s contributing to his appreciating asset while you’re paying childcare, which is money down the drain.
You don’t say if you work full time? If you do, the division of labour sounds unfair.

Waitingforautumn9 · 14/09/2025 17:25

Sorry for not being clear, I work part time and he works full time. Yes the mortgage is in both of our names, we do have a joint account which the bills come out of but he pays the bills as I’ve recently started work again after maternity leave, and I pay nursery as he contributes a lot more in the way of bills. does anyone have any ideas on how to split housework etc?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 14/09/2025 17:31

Waitingforautumn9 · 14/09/2025 17:25

Sorry for not being clear, I work part time and he works full time. Yes the mortgage is in both of our names, we do have a joint account which the bills come out of but he pays the bills as I’ve recently started work again after maternity leave, and I pay nursery as he contributes a lot more in the way of bills. does anyone have any ideas on how to split housework etc?

You’re meant to be a family. All money should be paid into a joint account, all bills including nursery, house and food comes from there. You then get sent the same amount of pocket money sent to your own accounts and then what’s left is put in joint savings.

It shouldn’t be about one person earns more so they get more or one parents working less to work around the children misses out because they can’t earn as much.

You’re a team and a family unit.

Whoevenarethey · 14/09/2025 17:32

So if you are home a couple of days a week I would be expecting you to get the house clean during this time, do the washing, get the shopping and have meals prepared.
I would expect him though to put washing in a washing basket, take turns doing dishes and who does the child's bedtime.
I would be doing the grocery shop with the child on one day off, and then housework the next day (I am assuming you work 3 days here). This leaves you plenty of time to do fun stuff with the little one.
I would also split who looks into different bills and checks you are getting the best deal e.g. things like internet.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 14/09/2025 17:34

Do you have fairly equal personal spending money and leisure time?

WFHforevermore · 14/09/2025 18:06

Depends on the hours/days you are both working.

If you are home 2/3 days a week then you do the bulk of the housework on those days. But he obv has to help on the weekends if he's working Mon-Fri, 9-5.

And as ive always said, women choose to do the "life admin" because we dont trust men to do it right and thats the truth.

UpMyself · 14/09/2025 18:20

does anyone have any ideas on how to split housework etc?
He should be doing the stuff he'd be doing if he lived on his own - picking up his pants, washing up, keeping the place reasonably clean and tidy.
The looking after the baby outside his working hours should be shared equally.
What was the setup when you worked full time?
How many days do you work?
Do you look after the baby on the days you are not working?

Is there a grain of truth in 'he says he doesn’t like to clean as I will criticise him'?

Hankunamatata · 14/09/2025 18:20

How part time is part time work?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2025 18:27

Doesn’t sound fair to me.

I would get this sorted before your child starts school and the “life admin”/ mental load rackets up a hundred fold from just having a baby/ toddler.

TammyJones · 14/09/2025 18:34

Whoevenarethey · 14/09/2025 17:32

So if you are home a couple of days a week I would be expecting you to get the house clean during this time, do the washing, get the shopping and have meals prepared.
I would expect him though to put washing in a washing basket, take turns doing dishes and who does the child's bedtime.
I would be doing the grocery shop with the child on one day off, and then housework the next day (I am assuming you work 3 days here). This leaves you plenty of time to do fun stuff with the little one.
I would also split who looks into different bills and checks you are getting the best deal e.g. things like internet.

Also does dh - mow the lawn, wash the car, DIY. (All jobs I don’t like )

EuclidianGeometryFan · 14/09/2025 19:06

Equal 'down time' is the way to go.
When he is at work or commuting, you work, either in your job, or looking after the baby, or doing housework.
When he comes home and sits on the sofa, you sit beside him.
Don't get up.
If the baby needs something, get up to fetch it, then sit back down with the baby.

When he says "what's for dinner?", you say, "I don't know, shall we go and make something?" Then don't get up off the sofa until he does.

If he goes out for an evening, monitor the hours he is out of the house, and within 2or 3 days you go out for the same number of hours, leaving the baby with him (even if you have nowhere to go but a café or pub alone - go and read a book).

You will probably find that the housework slips, stuff is not done, etc.
Hold firm, don't cave in.
When he (finally, eventually) notices and complains about the state of the place, say "Why don't you clean the bathroom while I tackle the sitting room?"
Again, don't start actually doing the cleaning until he starts.
When he complains that he can't find his clothes, or has no clean clothes, don't react. Say in a pleasant voice "why don't you put a wash on while I tidy up the baby toys".

Theroadnottravelled · 14/09/2025 20:06

Reading with interest as similar situ. DH works full time self employed so long hours. I work 20 hours over 3 days but have a 3 year old at nursery when I’m working but home with me when not. Also a 5 year old. I do everything at home apart from putting out the bins and the washing up. So all the cooking, cleaning, chores, food, pick ups/drop offs (DH doesn’t drive) admin, everything. I pay less because I earn less. Not sure the balance is right though. It’s v hard.

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