To think this isn’t a fair arrangement?

29 replies

Waitingforautumn9 · 14/09/2025 16:54

my Partner is a good partner and a great dad however I am carrying a huge load of our day to day lives. We have a 1 year old and I do all the appointments and admin, all the washing, cleaning and hoovering. He will occasionally do the washing up say once every couple of weeks however he says he doesn’t like to clean as I will criticise him. He will always leave boxers and dirty clothes lying about. He pays for the bills and the mortgage but I pay for all our food and the nursery bill. I organise all the food shppping and meals and near enough everything else you can think of barring a bit of diy here and there. Obviously the way I have worded this post it’s in my favour but that’s because I definitely do a lot more in my opinion. Is this normal or am I doing too much?

OP posts:

WhenIAmKing · 15/09/2025 07:24

EuclidianGeometryFan · 14/09/2025 19:06

Equal 'down time' is the way to go.
When he is at work or commuting, you work, either in your job, or looking after the baby, or doing housework.
When he comes home and sits on the sofa, you sit beside him.
Don't get up.
If the baby needs something, get up to fetch it, then sit back down with the baby.

When he says "what's for dinner?", you say, "I don't know, shall we go and make something?" Then don't get up off the sofa until he does.

If he goes out for an evening, monitor the hours he is out of the house, and within 2or 3 days you go out for the same number of hours, leaving the baby with him (even if you have nowhere to go but a café or pub alone - go and read a book).

You will probably find that the housework slips, stuff is not done, etc.
Hold firm, don't cave in.
When he (finally, eventually) notices and complains about the state of the place, say "Why don't you clean the bathroom while I tackle the sitting room?"
Again, don't start actually doing the cleaning until he starts.
When he complains that he can't find his clothes, or has no clean clothes, don't react. Say in a pleasant voice "why don't you put a wash on while I tidy up the baby toys".

Ok I see how this would work for some people but for me that is all just another huge piece of mental load. I don’t want to train DH up like he’s a slightly dim 5 year old. The OP’s partner is presumably a fully functioning adult who can hold down a job. They need to have an actual conversation about what a fair division of tasks would look like and then he needs to stick to it. If he’s not able or willing to then that’s a different issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2025 07:35

It’s fairly simple op.

you should have equal leisure time - that’s time when you’re neither cleaning nor working nor doing childcare.

you should have a joint pot with all income in, all joint bills out and stuff for child, split the remainder 50/50

you should be working in some form when he is at work or when he’s commuting. When he’s home it’s 50/50 on childcare/hw.

you asked ‘how’ you split it. Well, one of you does one thing, another does another. ‘Do you want to put dinner on or bath Jack?’ No one sits down till you both sit down

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2025 07:47

Oh and by the way, your partner is not a good partner nor a good dad if he is sat on his arse on his phone whilst the mother of his child and the woman he loves runs herself ragged.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 15/09/2025 07:58

WhenIAmKing · 15/09/2025 07:24

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I think it’s a good plan, a kind of no pain no gain strategy.

I had to do similar with my DH when he retired. We had a few months for the new system to be fully implemented but it all worked out in the end.

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