Football parents - what’s more important to you?

[katiecustard2]

Attitude or ability? Ds is 14 and has been playing grassroots football for our local club for many years. We’ve seen lots of boys come and go as is the case but I would say ds has always been a committed and valuable member of the team. He is a good footballer and a good sportsman - respectful and courteous to the ref and opposition but not afraid to get stuck in.

However there a couple of his teammates who are very gifted ability wise but absolute little shits on the pitch. They swear, they put in questionable tackles, throw themselves on the floor and cry like babies over the smallest thing, they are abusive to the ref and think nothing of trying to injure others. Just this weekend I’ve seen one of them hurt a member of the opposition quite badly (he needed to be helped off the pitch) and our player was smirking about it. The parents are as bad, never admit any wrongdoing and encourage their kids in this behaviour. Because football is such a big deal to them they often miss training sessions because they play for multiple teams and have clashes.

However they always get loads of game time at the expense of my son and some of the other regulars, and the coaches never admonish their attitude presumably because they are the better players and win games for us. I’m honestly sick of it. I know at this age it is a competitive sport but if you were a coach would you let this sort of thing go even though it gives the team as a whole a poor image? Or would you accept it’s just life when it comes to grassroots?

OP I would argue if the coach and other parents are allowing behaviour that you do not agree with (rightly so) then it is no longer the right team. Which is a shame but things change and that's life.

There’s nothing wrong at that age with tackling a player so they are hurt slightly and need ‘helping off’ - we aren’t talking broken legs here, you don’t know if the kids they’ve tackled are a bit soft and got nothing more than a bruise

I think kid you’ve got the ability why not bring a bit of physicality to the pitch we should really stop telling kids to ‘not hurt each other’ it’s sport it apart of it

Sounds like OP child needs a team in a less competitive league

Unfortunately nice guys finish last a lot of the time in sport. Could you coach your child that it’s his ‘football persona’ - he gets a bit tastier with his tackles etc, a bit more competitive. And then leaves that behind when he takes his boots off.

Can explain the correlation between being competitive and being rude and abusive? Being competitive should NOT include swearing at match officials or causing cynical injury to other players.

It’s just a thing in football. Often being considered a very good players will correlate with quite cynical tackles and being ‘vocal’ is encouraged. Other teams and parents might not like it but some coaches sort of enjoy that sort of player as they feel it shows a strong competitive edge

God I wouldn’t fancy kids football!

No helpful advice because I was going to say sportsmanship but I can see that’s the wrong answer 😂

Quite glad my DS is a swimmer instead but that just means you sit getting boiling rather than than freezing when you go to watch 😬

Not saying I agree with it. But with my nephew I encourage him to match the physicality of the other team so if they’re cynical be the same, get stuck in. If someone gobs off to him, match the energy. In school and life it’s not who he is. But some boys he plays with, wow, they’re loud and vocal and competitive. Not what you’d want as a parent but they’re the ones scoring a lot of the time.

My friends daughter has just had trials for Man City and she wasn’t invited to the final round as they said she wasn’t physical enough and shied away because she showed fear of hurting other girls. These are 11 yo girls we are talking about ! They encourage it to a level and if you don’t want to risk it and get two feet in then sometimes you’re not seen as competitive

Just to say I agree 100%. It’s frustrating to see bad behaviour allowed again and again when a bit of responsibility from the coaches to set the tone of what is / isn’t acceptable would solve this problem. If every time someone acted in an unacceptable way they were subbed for five minutes, they wouldn’t do it. And if they’re the best kids on the pitch and they lose, well then they learn that they lose when they act like twats. No one will remember the grassroots league tables in five years time, but we will all have to live with young men who are used to acting like pricks and getting away with it. I really think it’s a dereliction of duty by coaches and clubs to not act on this. But then many coaches are just volunteer dads and many of those committed enough to give up that much of their time are of the win-at-any-cost variety. It’s really unfortunate, though.

Have you tried water polo? There’s no ruffians at all in our club. Although they do sweep the pool from time to time.

What’s to be confused about? He’s in a team that matches his ability. He is a valuable part of the team and a very good player. Who also happens to have good sportsmanship.

The reason for the post is to have a vent about kids with terrible attitudes and parents who not only encourage but celebrate that.

Honestly even if he was scoring hat tricks every week I still couldn’t be proud if he was an obnoxious arse with it.

Re the hat tricks thing. Honestly think about that. You think you’d not be proud if he was ‘obnoxious’ but the more praise he got and the more you got told how amazing he was you’d not be able to resist

stakes are a bit different in water polo though. No one is playing water polo for fame and fortune. No one is playing it for fame in the school playground

I think it depends on the club the child plays for. At my son’s club, players swearing or intentionally hurting others gets you sent off the pitch where they are spoken to by their coach and then sent back on. Or kept off if they can’t calm down. I have seen clubs were the coaches couldn’t care less about bad behaviour and it wouldn’t be for us.

My son (slightly younger than yours) is physical but not aggressive. That has taken years to achieve. Realistically the better players will get more match time because it is primarily about winning so as long as it’s not unreasonable amounts of time I think that’s ok.

Does he have to stay with that team? Mine has been in the same team for 10 years and they are very successful- rarely beaten, league and cup winners several times over and they are a delight if I am honest. They don't get physical on the pitch, no swearing at each other/other team and no disrespectful behaviour. The coach and parents all set the behaviour expectations and boys that couldn't follow that have left of their own accord. I have seen plenty of teams with players, managers and even coaches that encourage shitty behaviour and I wouldn't have my DS in a team like that.

Having read all your posts you clearly DO agree with it.
Being physical is not the same as causing deliberate injury to another person.
’gobbing off’??!!! Really?? This is ok? To be encouraged? And if he spoke to you in the same way? That’s ok?
’Gobbing off’ to match officials is NEVER ok. Especially in grass roots football where the ref is a volunteer, being paid bugger all and most probably about 16 years old.
Without that person turning up every week to be verbally abused by a bunch of 10 year olds your nephew wouldn’t be playing anything.

Any kids playing like that in our team would either have to change their attitude or find a new team. We bench any kid using foul language as a starting point. Zero tolerance.

Hockey ! 🏑

Seriously, hockey. From 14+ the juniors play on adult teams , they still have teas with the oppo - so it can be feisty on the pitch, but then you are with the oppo afterwards so learn re respect. Two umpires, so tight control on the pitch. And no room for dangerous play because it would be too dangerous. My DS plays on a team with solicitors and bankers, tradies and farm workers. It’s been brilliant for him to learn re the world.

Actually, with a son/friends of son who are professional footballers from premiership down, the common denominator is attitude and effort. Grass roots maybe more reliant on the odd couple of really skilled players disproportionately, but that alone won't get them much higher. Its the attitude thats shown if they do get dropped thats much more important. It depends on what you want from the game i suppose.

Also - players who skip training get LESS games or game time. Though in any case we do trying to give all the kids equal time.

I’m with you OP. I get it. I feel like if bad behaviour was cracked down on at grassroots then it will eventually filter through to the professional leagues. DD is in a competitive (non contact, no swearing etc kind of sport though, so slightly different) but we see the bad behaviour sometimes peeking through in that the ones who are seen to be better are throwing tantrums when they don’t get what they want, come and go as they please etc and it’s very frustrating for DD who works just as hard, if not harder, (safely) training through injury, but often feels overlooked.

Yes but the parents are probably awful as well - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You can say 'The parents should...' as much as you like, but those parents won't.

Genuinely I wouldn’t. I mean I’d be proud of his ability and achievement, everyone wants to see their kid on the score sheet but from an early age I’ve always thought that attitude is more important. What’s the point in having a child who is gifted in anything if they are going to be a prick about it? I get that really good players can get big headed especially as such an impressionable age. But as parents it’s up to us to keep their feet on the ground and teach them that being kind (I hate that phrase but it is true in some cases) means a lot too.

Like I said, if it was going to lead anywhere then by all means be a bit more ruthless but it’s grassroots kids football. None of them are going to play for England.