AIBU to say DC can’t live with BIL in my will /guardianship arrangements

[olafstwigarm]

I am updating my will - mainly because there has been a change of address and I wanted to change something else small.

But in doing so I realised that at the moment my MIL is in my will as the person who would get custody/guardianship of my DC if somehow DH and I both die. She lives in her home with her other son ( BIL).
BIL is almost 40, no relationship, no job, plays computer games and throws the controller at the TV if he loses, punches walls, spends all day doomscrolling. He reports to not be neurodivergent - “doesn’t believe in that BS”. Oh and still lives with his mam.
(And before any one points out how hard it is to buy a home these days - true! However he and the other siblings (including DH) received enough inheritance from a grandparent to be able to buy a home, so not moving out is a matter of choice/ laziness. Or maybe he has spent it all - either way a choice.)

Anyway, this week BIL proudly announced to everyone on social media that he was in his own words “extreme far right”. He fully supports C Kirk’s views on everything (despite living at home with his mammy). BIL announced he is ready to go to “war” against the left. I have seen this guy punch hole in a wall over someone taking the last roast potato - so who’s telling what he will do this rilled up.
He publicly told a well loved local GP (who is not white) that he was a DEI hire and that he took our jobs.

Our views are very different. Our DC are not “white British” (although truth be told, nor is BIL but apparently no one is allowed to point this out).

My DH agrees with me that our DC can’t live in a home with BIL. Unfortunately there is no one other than MIL that we could put down as a guardian for them. My parents are in a care home. DH does have a sister who is quite sensible, however she has made clear to us she doesn’t want kids and to be honest when MIL dies and BIL has no one to cook him dinner and replace the TV when he throws a Xbox controller at it, I imagine he will probably move in with her too so same problem there.

MIL and SIL have views which align with ours more and aren’t aggressive wall punchers.

Could we reasonably put in our wills that whether MIL or SIL have guardianship of our DC can only do so on the basis that BIL does not live in the same house as our DC? Is there a way to word this that doesn’t make us sound unreasonable from beyond the grave?

My husband and I are both quite young, well and have no plans to die (famous last words🤣)

You can request that SIL is guardian but that you accept she won’t want full time care for them. She could be involved with the DC going into long term foster care or being adopted.

This is the reality of we had to do.

You couldn’t stop MIL putting herself forward for kinship care and SS would likely approve it regardless of BIL.

It is none of your business if your BIL has bought his own home or not. He lives with your MIL?
You are requesting your MIL to look after your children?
In order to do this, you are requesting that she asks her son to leave his home?
Of course you are being unreasonable. Actually you are being ridiculous.
You don't hold the cards here.

You can stipulate the condition that MIL or SIL may only be appointed guardians if they are not living with BIL. You can’t prevent them later inviting BIL to live with them, nobody will be policing it. If you wouldn’t want your DC living with him then you can state you don’t want them going to family but into care. Even so, MIL could still apply to court for guardianship and the decision would be based on the DC’s best interests, and whether staying within the family would be the best option - which it very likely would be viewed as.

I mean you can write what you want in it, but she's not going to kick her son out of his home and move your DC in, is she?

Also, if SS deems your guardian unsuitable for any reason they can put a stop to it.

Allowing your son to hurl objects at the TV would probably deem her unsuitable.

I think you’re running away with the hypothetical situation, which is unlikely to happen, and honestly your bil would very likely never want to share a home with your dc. Put what you like in the wills but don’t overthink it because it probably wont happen and if it did, you’d be dead and your bil would be the least of your dc’s problems.

That’s helpful to know. In which case would it be useful to explain why somewhere (not in the will but in a supporting document?)? He has been in trouble for violence (I don’t think any convictions but I know he has glassed people, been arrested etc) so surely SS would take that into consideration?

I would make plans to stay alive and cultivate SIL. “Not wanting children” is different to “looking after my orphaned niece/nephew when she is 14 for a couple years.”

Is your MIL safe living with BIL?

You don’t have to name a guardian for the children if there’s nobody suitable.

Do you have a close friend you could put down? If you are not putting mil I would explain why otherwise if you said nothing they would just go to her.

It feels like you’re weirdly keen to leave a document behind slagging off your bil. It’s not like he’s keen to live with your dc, nor that they’ll take precedence over him for your mil. You’re approaching it like raising your dc is some gift for your chosen ones and bil must be cut out because he doesn’t measure up. That’s not how it’ll be if you both die. Your dc will be lucky to stay with family who’d be willing to step up. Don’t overthink this with supporting documents laying into bil.

You won’t be able to enforce this - either you trust her to look after them or you don’t. We don’t have family we trust so our kids go to our friends.

I think that probably what this is about. I don’t believe MIL is safe. And I am searching for a way to bring it up with her and my husband and SIL.
i was just thinking about why I’d say i didn’t want them to live with in a home that he shared, and if there was any documentation. I remembered he was arrested for glassing someone and I think he got deported from Sweden for something violent and I had completely forgotten about that. All of this was way before he became far right too.

You might find your MIL turns around and says no she can't/doesn't want/wouldn't be in a position to/health/age....any number of reasons - to raise your children.
They will then be taken in care.

I would beg them to take the kids if necessary. I certainly wouldn't be making it conditional.

Friends is a good idea! Thank you.

That’s a weird take. A 40 year old man doesn’t need to live at home with his mother. He is not a minor, and is perfectly capable of looking himself. Young children do need to be looked after.
If I was a grandmother in this position- I would chose keeping my grandchildren out of care over housing my 40 year old son. Especially if he was racist towards them. But maybe that’s not the choice you or others would make.

If I was choosing someone to look after my child in the event of my death, I'd be very reluctant to choose a woman so passive about domestic violence that she just replaces the TV when her son throws and XBox controller at it and carries on allowing him to live there.

That's not the choice that I and perhaps others would make either.

I agree you should turn to a trusted friend and ask them if they'd be interested in stepping up, should the worst happen.

@pinkdelight Hmm, I don’t see it like that, the OP and her DH believe that their children wouldn’t be safe living with the BIL, it’s as simple as that. I’d ask your SIL and perhaps a close friend to be guardians instead.

We also had to update our Wills after an incident involving a family member - not violence but ignoring a very obvious medical emergency and the person involved nearly died. We no longer felt that our children would be safe with them. Luckily DH is from a large family so we quietly asked other people and updated our Wills.

Its isn't about what you would choose though is it? I don't think you have even considered that your inlaws might not want to raise small kids.

You are asking somebody to take on raising your children. Of course it would be ideal if family agreed. Ideal but not something to be taken for granted.

When my DC1 was born, I asked my sister (who I was very close to) if she would take care of DC1 if anything happened to me or DH. She said no. I admit to being very upset at the time. Obviously I didn't show it as I had to respect her decision. But I had to accept it.

I am a foster carer and quite unusually look after one teenager whose parents passed away. No other problems at all and he is a lovely boy. He has been with us two years and will always be part of our family, but neither of his grandparents and uncles/aunts were able to care for him full time. I won't tell you my feelings on that, which is actually more traumatic for him than the bereavements. However, he does remain in contact with his extended family, visiting one uncle/aunt every school holiday and another once a month. And actually it does work out well.

If you were both to die I think social services would decide what was in the best interests of the children. Your wishes would be taken into account but living with family would almost definitely be considered better for them than foster care.

Of course I have considered it - a will wouldn’t force her to look after them and clearly says if they are willing/able. We discussed guardianship with MIL before we put it in our last will and she said of course she would. At the time she and we thought BIL was on the way to moving out of her home. However he has no plans to move out now and has become “far right” and “ready for war” (his own words).

It doesn't matter what your feelings about your BIL are....
If he lives with the person you are hoping would look after your kids, all decisions will be hers. If you make your will conditional, and she disagrees with it or feels she needs her other son's support to take on your kids, your kids go into care.
If anything happens to your MIL, your BIL may become their primary carer if SS agrees or else he may put them into care too.
You need to change the way you are approaching this. You are the one asking for the biggest favour of your life, the most important thing you could ever ask for.
If anything happens to you, your DH will need his mum's support or indeed in time may end up becoming her carer too. Your kids may end up spending a lot of time with your BIL anyway.
You need to be very prepared that your kids go into foster care should you decide to apply conditions. Personally I wouldn't choose that for them so perhaps rethink this approach.

What a nice thing to do. Poor lad. Sounds like he is lucky to have you.
I am pretty taken aback by all these people who are saying my MIL might not want to look after my DC. We did discuss it with her before putting it in the earlier will and she was happy. Surely most people who are able would prefer to keep their grandchildren out of the care system. But maybe not - who knows.

I’m listed as preferred guardians in the event a few different friends die. They have noone else. It is extremely unlikely, but if ever there is an Emmerdale type event wiping out lots of people in our village but not their children, I could end up with 6 extra kids. Very very unlikely, but absolutely would do it because these are all amazing friends’ children whom I have known all their lives, and none of them have suitable relatives.
Friends are a good idea, but each of my friends wills apparently had to state why relatives were not suitable (very elderly, or live abroad).

Sounds like you are a great friend.
I’ll have a better think about friends. Knowing that it’s a good idea to put why not members of family is helpful to know too. Thanks