AIBU to say DC can’t live with BIL in my will /guardianship arrangements

[olafstwigarm]

I am updating my will - mainly because there has been a change of address and I wanted to change something else small.

But in doing so I realised that at the moment my MIL is in my will as the person who would get custody/guardianship of my DC if somehow DH and I both die. She lives in her home with her other son ( BIL).
BIL is almost 40, no relationship, no job, plays computer games and throws the controller at the TV if he loses, punches walls, spends all day doomscrolling. He reports to not be neurodivergent - “doesn’t believe in that BS”. Oh and still lives with his mam.
(And before any one points out how hard it is to buy a home these days - true! However he and the other siblings (including DH) received enough inheritance from a grandparent to be able to buy a home, so not moving out is a matter of choice/ laziness. Or maybe he has spent it all - either way a choice.)

Anyway, this week BIL proudly announced to everyone on social media that he was in his own words “extreme far right”. He fully supports C Kirk’s views on everything (despite living at home with his mammy). BIL announced he is ready to go to “war” against the left. I have seen this guy punch hole in a wall over someone taking the last roast potato - so who’s telling what he will do this rilled up.
He publicly told a well loved local GP (who is not white) that he was a DEI hire and that he took our jobs.

Our views are very different. Our DC are not “white British” (although truth be told, nor is BIL but apparently no one is allowed to point this out).

My DH agrees with me that our DC can’t live in a home with BIL. Unfortunately there is no one other than MIL that we could put down as a guardian for them. My parents are in a care home. DH does have a sister who is quite sensible, however she has made clear to us she doesn’t want kids and to be honest when MIL dies and BIL has no one to cook him dinner and replace the TV when he throws a Xbox controller at it, I imagine he will probably move in with her too so same problem there.

MIL and SIL have views which align with ours more and aren’t aggressive wall punchers.

Could we reasonably put in our wills that whether MIL or SIL have guardianship of our DC can only do so on the basis that BIL does not live in the same house as our DC? Is there a way to word this that doesn’t make us sound unreasonable from beyond the grave?

My husband and I are both quite young, well and have no plans to die (famous last words🤣)

You need a solicitor who specialises in this area. I'm a lawyer in a different area and I'd wonder about leaving funds in such a way that the brother in law could buy a flat if the mother / sister in law have your children.

But you'd need to think through various scenarios ie. if your kids are older, are they better staying in their own home with the mother / sister in law. Would they need to adapt anything for an elderly mother in law?.

Sorry but I’d absolutely not leave this violent racist pig any of my money! My OP was probably a bit long but I did explain in the first post that BIL not moving out is not due to finances. All siblings including BIL got a big inheritance- enough to buy a house in cash. DH and SIL bought houses. Despite being asked to move out by MIL, BIL has chosen to stay and buy whatever he wants while being unemployed for years on end (not contributing a penny to his mum’s household!). He has enough money, he just prefers playing computer games all day and having his favourite dinner made for him.
MIL is young enough that by the time the kids are 18 she wouldn’t be elderly but i think we have chosen (will discuss with them) an alternate family that would actually work better and keep BIL out of the equation.

There’s nothing ridiculous about the OP not wanting her mixed race children to live with an aggressive, volatile, violent racist who leans towards fascism.

Couldn't you resolve it by having your mother-in-law move into your house if the worst happened?

You are missing the main issue which is the OP wants her MIL to throw her son out and take her kids.

That is a ridiculous request because of her MIL had an issue with her son, he wouldn’t be living there now.

My best friend, DC’s ‘god-free parent’ was named as Guardian of my Dc.

Obviously I asked her first.

I would agree with you that I would not want my Dc living with wall-punching BIL,

The Guardian doesn’t necessarily have to house the Dc, if in the future the BIL moves out, the guardian could approach MIL and negotiate living with her.

I would put that in a Letter of Wishes to the guardian rather than complicate the Will.

We have my brother and sil as guardians in our wills. They don't have kids and don't want any. We don't necessarily expect the kids to move in with them, although they might change their minds if their nieces and nephews are actually orphaned? But we know they will act in the kids' best interests, whatever that looks like.

So in your situation I would ask your sil if she would be willing to make the right choices for your kids if you can't. That might be living with her, with your parents, a friend, foster care. Your kids might be older when you die so she might be happy to have a teenager live with her?

I guess the point is you don't know when it will happen so you just have to choose someone you trust to make good decisions with what's available to them at the time.

Can you address a letter to social services outlining the concerns you have about BIL, outlining why he's not a suitable cohabitant? Your MIL might not mention anything and it might not be apparent if he behaves during visits etc.

But yeah, I certainly don't want additional kids, but I'd definitely take on my nephew's if needed!

Let's assume your MIL does indeed kick BIL out so she can look after your DC instead. Do you not think he might be unhappy about that, and pose a risk to the mixed race children he's lost his home for? I can't see how this is a remotely sensible plan. You need to ask someone else.

I'm not sure what you do about the Will/ Guardianship issue, but have you considered reporting your BIL to Prevent on the basis of his escalating behaviour?

If I was you I wouldn’t name MIL in any situation. If you name her then BIL could easily move back in at a later date or be around most of the time. Plus she’s allowing this behaviour in her house so probably not a suitable person to protect children. I named a sibling even though it’s unlikely that they would actually be able to have DC living with them if DC was still very young and discussed with them and a friend that friend would be likely to care for them with sibling as guardian to make decisions. I would also talk to SIL - not wanting children doesn’t mean not willing to have nieces/nephews in the event of deaths - especially if children are older/more independent.

Your 'village' does not need to be family.
My best friend and I are down as appointed guardians to each other's kids if either of us (and respective husbands) die. We know it is unlikely but in the worst case scenario, the kids would be cared for, safe, and not uprooted from their schools and town.

This. I know a very nice lady who didn't want any dc. When her brother , his wife and 1 DC died in a car accident she took on the care of her remaining dniece who was 11 at the time. Now the niece is grown up and has DC of her own and I smile when I see the lady who told me she never wanted DC is so fully engaged with her 2 DGC now.

Just wow…these are her children. I think she can request what she wants. It’s not really to do with not being a home owner. It’s his views and temper she is worried about.

She can request her kids to live on the moon but can’t expect will happen.

OP you do not know what decision you would take if you found yourself in MIL’s position. It all very well to say “I would choose” but you don’t know until you’re faced with the scenario. You don’t know what it’s like to have your 40yo son living with you, with the problems that he clearly has. You are just looking into the situation and pontificating with zero experience of this specific difficult situation.

all you can do is to select a guardian for your kids. If you trust that guardian with your kids, then you actually have to trust them to do whatever is needed if it comes to it - without any input from you/DH as you’d be dead in this unlikely scenario.

Exactly. .

We felt strongly that one family member would not be an appropriate person for our children to live with. We have put a letter of wishes with our wills, and included in it that we think the best approach would be for a meeting to happen with some/all of our children's closest adults (godparents and longstanding family friends) to decide what the best outcome for them would be.

I think this is fine to put in a letter of wishes. You own your home outright so MIL could move in there and wouldn't have to kick BIL out. When youngest child turns 18 or 21 she could then sell your house for them. Are you also leaving enough money for your children's care and upkeep of the house e.g. life assurance or pension? You could write in the letter that if neither MIL nor SIL are able to or willing to do it and the children are fostered you would like them to remain in contact.

I think this was for financial reasons rather than because of his behaviour but I mentioned if a few other replies that MIL has been asking BIL to move out so she can sell the house and downsize for 5 years. He was looking for somewhere apparently but obviously he’s not going anywhere.

This I guess just puts the nail in the coffin for the idea of putting her as a choice of guardian and asking that BIL not be in the same home as mil clearly cannot give effect to her decisions in her home /her relationship with him.

Yes but even if you requested it, she doesn't have to do it - and she is likely to still have him round plenty even if he does move out. And could obviously move back in at any time. I really don't think she's an option sadly so would look more creatively at it.

Have you had this conversation with MIL? Because you really need to do that before you consider putting anything in your will.

Agree with others I think you need to find someone else, a close friend maybe?

If we only had my husband’s side of the family then we would facing the same decision and we would absolutely be putting one of our close friends down rather than PIL/BIL. You can’t make demands from beyond the grave and nobody would check to make sure he wasn’t moved back in so for me personally it’s not worth the risk.

Yes that’s exactly what I was trying to say. She has been asking him to move out for years and he hasn’t so clearly she is not in control of who lives in her home. So I agree. She is not an option for guardianship.

well your BIL sounds awful but I don't think you are too great either. You should be more bothered about your child being cared for than being raised with your politics. BTW Charlie Kirk was a conservative christian, not an example of the boogy man. you may not agree with him but he was nothing to be afraid of or to denigrate.