Am I making parenting much harder than it needs to be?

[Polyestered]

several incidences over the last few weeks watching our friends and how they parent, who seem to enjoy their children a lot more and be more relaxed. All small things but when added together I’m wondering if I’m doing this wrong.

we find parenting incredibly intense and limiting when out and about, to the extent where we barely went anywhere non childy during the toddler years as I found it too stressful. Ours are now just turned 5 and 3

examples - out at a pub/ restaurant (does have a play area but is a “naice” holiday resort type gastro pub / quite pricey. Letting their children stand on the bench seats (fabric cushions/ dirty shoes) and climb over the benches to other empty tables. Letting them set up their toys on empty tables. Different friends/ different restaurant, allowing 5 and 7 year olds in the bar without an adult to play on the pool tables/ games machines. Adults waiting to play, no moving the children off to allow the paying customers on. Another friend/ place - sat outside, started showering and child got up, carrying their own plate and drink (age 5, china plate full of food, dropping peas all over the floor as he marched inside) “I’m going to sit here as it’s raining!”just walked into the restaurant and sat down, without asking any waitress who then had to ask them to move as the table was reserved. I find it so challenging as my children just want to copy the others and I’m constantly nagging them, whereas everyone else is just relaxed and enjoying a drink.

I genuinely don’t AIBU because I had a strict upbringing where children were not to be seen or heard and even now struggle with making myself as small and unimposing as possible. I don’t know if I’m teaching my children they don’t deserve to make noise or take up space, I feel I’m constantly nagging them.

I wouldnt let my kids do any of that either, your friends sound like lazy parents.

You genuinely don't know if YABU for making your kids behave?

Ok.

I think you know that you have given three examples that most parents wouldn’t permit. However, it’s abnormal to abstain from going out at all in the toddler years so there must be a balance somewhere.

Is this a not very stealth boast about your parenting compared to your friends?

I wouldn’t let my kids do that.

i did let them have more freedom in kids spaces like playgrounds and soft play.

That’s exactly what it sounds like.

I enjoy being with my children and parenting them but still ensure they behave (or remove them from a venue if necessary). You can have both OP. Not sure why you seem to think it’s one or the other.

I actually think you need to chill a bit. I’ve waitressed, for example, and a kid trailing peas across the carpet and not asking to sit at a table wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, even if I then had to move them- I’m getting paid for it anyway!

you won’t win any prizes for constantly nagging your kids, and quite frankly, they won’t look back and think you were wonderful for doing it.

They view their children as well behaved. They are happy, enjoying their children and have a positive view of parenting.

my eldest was a nightmare baby and toddler until about age 3.5, Absolutely horrendous all day every day I couldn’t take her anywhere other than outdoors/ the park as she would not be contained (pram/ highchair) and screamed/ had meltdowns. She’s much better now but no, we never took her out to a cafe, I could never join the other mums who would do a pram walk then grab a coffee whilst their baby napped or toddler had a slice of cake.

we have quite a high stress dynamic in our family. I am only now beginning to realise how I was raised was abnormal (eg adults got the good cuts of meat, children got the scraps, never allowed to sit in the front seat or in certain chairs at home, wouldn’t be allowed our choice of music or tv. Just expected to play quietly and not bother my parents. So I am trying to unlearn that cycle, and I feel a jolt of stress every time my children make noise in public. I envy my friends as they seem to feel confident and happy in themselves.

What they’re doing doesn’t sound like great parenting. It’s situation-specific,
but somewhere like that I wouldn’t allow climbing over other seats, running around or getting in other people’s way. We’d take colouring or an activity book and expect to keep the meal reasonably short at that age.

This starts to build the expectation that you sit at the table etc and then they develop stamina and understanding so you can increase the range of activities you do.

i appreciate your feedback as I wonder if you’re right.

I worry I am affecting my 5yos confidence now she is becoming more aware.

on these occasions I felt like the outlier which is why I am asking. It is in no way a stealth boast.

my friends children eat salmon and lamb and a wide diet. I struggle with my eldest only wanting beige food. Separate issue but an example of where they definitely have managed it better than me.

I don’t find socialising with kids in adult-majority places like pubs or restaurants to be fun or relaxing AT ALL. I think people who do either have very well behaved children, or an almost enviable (if borderline antisocial) ability to filter out the constant awareness of accidents about to happen and other people’s annoyance.

I think it’s made even harder if there’s an undercurrent for you of feeling like you have to apologise for your existence, thanks in part to the overly strict upbringing you experienced.

I think it could be liberating for you to think about what is important to you to instil in your children, and also what is fun for you to do with them. It’s fine to give pub lunches a miss - kids generally don’t enjoy them anyway (or at least the kids I know!) and if they’re stressful for you, why bother? Try to have adult meet-ups where you can have a conversation in peace, if that’s possible.

I am only now beginning to realise how I was raised was abnormal (eg adults got the good cuts of meat, children got the scraps, never allowed to sit in the front seat or in certain chairs at home, wouldn’t be allowed our choice of music or tv.

Depending on your age, that's not necessarily abnormal at all.

In fact it was completely normal for many families up to around the 90s, when parenting became far more child centric.

There’s a middle ground somewhere I suppose, I was the naggy parent- but I honestly couldn’t handle my kids just climbing and running amok. I was once at a birthday party and all the kids were climbing the wrong way up the slide and blocking kids coming down and as my child went to do the same I said ‘you can’t do that, people are trying to come down’ and then all the other parents started telling their kids the same, but it was definitely begrudgingly- they weren’t thrilled with me!! I also restricted taking them out as much as I could have and I definitely regret that

Is this a not very stealth boast about your parenting compared to your friends?

Bingo

None of those things are at all normal parenting. They sound rude and lazy.

But yes of course, it’s normal to go to a pub or restaurant with young children. You bring sticker books or colouring or a game (my youngest loves dominoes or top trumps, We’ve literally played tractor top trumps in nice restaurants all over Europe on holiday!). Or we pay I Spy (boring as hell!). Or if there’s both Dh and I one of us takes them outside for a walk while we’re waiting for food.

Every child is different OP and need different things from their parents. The 5 and 7 year olds heading off together - some children are ready for that at 7 and some absolutely wouldn’t be. The best thing is just to have faith in yourself because you know your children best and you are giving them what they need from you. If that’s to be close to you, that’s fine. If it’s beige food, that’s ok too. They’re safe, happy and well.

Yep I think eating out with small kids is just stressful to be honest. Especially a big group of people.

But I also think life is too short to not enjoy parenting if you can and it's worth thinking about how to make it less stressful.

My kid only eats beige food. It’s not because I’m a shit parent - I’ve tried everything (tough love, food chaining, dieticians etc).

I was not unlike him growing up, but as an adult I eat a pretty balanced diet more or less intuitively, and enjoy a wide variety of cuisines. I just grew into it.

A friend of my DC, meanwhile, has been eating sushi and Korean hotpots since she was 4 - not because anyone trained her palate or educated her about nutrition or anything, she just started helping herself off other people’s plates and found she liked these things.

Not everything your child does or doesn’t do is because of your own failure or success as a parent.

Kids are people - they are who they are and they’ll like what they like, and they’ll change and grow and develop over time without your having to make it happen.

Try to stop comparing yourself to other parents, and your kids to other kids. You’re all different people.

I was a bit like you OP, I wanted my kids to behave properly in public, and worried about them annoying other people. You can definitely overdo it, teenage DD blames me for making her extremely anxious.

Also, I hate to be that poster, but my DC was like this - nightmare baby, absolutely no possibility of cozy coffee with mum friends while the baby naps as he never napped, got massively overstimulated at pubs and restaurants and cafes and soft play and basically anywhere noisy and crowded, didn’t sleep through the night until he was nearly 4. He was eventually diagnosed with ASD and ADHD.

(and this took a while as he was ‘fine at school / at nursery’ - I.e. completely mute and compliant)

I found it really helpful to understand that this was the main reason my experience of parenting was so completely different from almost everyone else’s I knew (except other SEN parents once I met them)

May or may not be the case for you but worth considering.

I’m with you, OP.

Sometimes I think I make my life harder by insisting on some basic things (manners, table manners, not getting up and walking around in a restaurant or cafe, shoes off indoors). Also, by not using screens even when it would be easier for me.

But you have to do what works for you and your individual children. My eldest is pretty strong willed and would be hanging off the curtains if given a whiff of opportunity. My friend’s kids will sit under a table at a cafe and colour in nicely - but if I let mine do that it would be the stepping stone to a riot. So I don’t let them. Nothing to do with my parenting being better, just different kids.

Thank you for sharing this. What are your thoughts on your DD saying that? With hindsight, may I ask if you would have done anything differently?

I feel like what PP said is spot on - I was raised to apologise for my own existence. Any need or requirements I try to make a small and undemanding as possible and then overly apologise a thousand time. I’m the woman that says sorry for no reason. It’s taken me ages to train myself out of it. It’s not what a want for my DC.

I have considered it extensively (I’m in agreement with you). Being her parent has utterly traumatised me to be honest. She is miles miles miles better now so we are just seeing how she goes, but the 3 yo is vastly easier than she was.

when she was younger, nothing at all would have entertained her. These things still wouldn’t work on my children. Maybe for 2 minutes and then they would get launched across the room. Unless there is a play ground we don’t eat there.