Finished a friendship with a middle aged male friend who aggressively complained about his luxurious life

[Nicewoman]

I finished a 15-year friendship with a male friend (I’ll call him Mr Mediocre) who aggressively complained for the past year about his luxurious life: £1.5m house, wife on £100k, he was in and out of work but bitterly complaining about it, how he thought he should be in a mega paid job and do short hours. He was thick as s and lazy. All his family are healthy, no money worries. I tried to explain that everyone’s situation is 10x times worse than him, do charity work etc, appreciate his life, be grateful for small mercies, but the ungrateful conceited toe-rag just couldn’t get past his extreme conceit & self-obsession. He’s just pathologically greedy. He admitted he had no friends & people avoided him. After I blocked him he tried to text me to have the last word and turned nasty I was ending the friendship. He was just making my blood boil. Now I’ve terminated the friendship I feel 1000x better, but think I wasted a lot of time on a man who I only realised was a total arsehole late in the day. Hope other readers learn from me and as soon as there is red flags, get out immediately & not let things drift on or give people the benefit of the doubt. Some people out there just aren’t nice people, but do a good job of hiding it (for a while, before the mask slips). Incidentally, I have a feeling his wife will hand him divorce papers once his teenage kids leave home & his wealthy parents pop their clogs. Then he’ll be one of those bitter old men living alone, that his own family avoids.

The thing I'd be reflecting on is why I'd continued a friendship with a man I despised and who's conversation and attitudes bored and angered me. The learning isn't for other people to spot the red flags (it's not a partnership where you were dependent and abused) its for you to understand your own behaviour. What was it that attracted you to this friendship in the first place? Why did you remain in it when his character flaws became apparant and there was no need for you to tolerate him? Why did you become so emotionally invested in a relationship with a married man that the natural ending of it is noteworthy enough to post about? He and his future aren't relevant to you, only in what the experience adds to your self knowledge.

Thanks. That’s actually a good post. I would say that it was more like an acquaintance to me, ex-work colleague who was asking favours to see if I could get him a job as I have a big contact list. As you say, friends are chosen, they are meant to enrich your life, make you laugh maybe, in your shared journey through a life of ups and downs. I went away thinking, when it’s so easy to be nice, why be bad? Wouldn’t you want to be your best self? But hey, not everyone thinks like that, granted. I’ve become better at identifying red flags. I don’t know if I want people to agree with me, as on this post there’s been an assortment of views, some who disagreed with me, and that’s good, and some who agreed with me.

He wasted my time, asked me for work favours and pestered me to get him a job. Knifed another work colleague who is a decent bloke. So no, didn’t like the ex-friend who did a good job of masquerading as a nice person until he couldn’t keep the pretence up anymore. I expect friends to be nice people, not wolves in sheep’s clothing. Anyway, enough, I’ve said my piece.

No I think the poster is really and telling the truth. There are indeed people like this man. People who are average but because of an expensive education and money think they are entitled to a better life than they have. They go into the real world where their lack of talent and skill gets exposed fairly quickly but, and instead of learning from this, they persist with their delusions that they aren't being recognised for their brilliance.

Nope. Just a work colleague who knew I knew lots of people and could get him a job. He pretended to be something he’s not. Think his own wife was sick of his complaining and said “don’t you have friends you can talk to” hence his messaging to me moaning about his lot for hours on end. Not all mum’s net posts are about “ex-husband cancelled payments & doesn’t want to see his kids this weekend” Someone can have friends (any gender) who are single or married. There’s no law which says you can’t be friends with a married person (any gender).

It’s not a race to the bottom money and possessions don’t equal no problems or guarantee happiness

tbh you sound extremely judgemental

Hmmm, I did wonder myself that at one point when he was boasting about his latest holiday his parents paid for, and upgrading his latest car as if it was nothing, and it was all so easy for him. He had so much time on his hands. But then I realised I know people richer than him, who actually are nice humble people who help others out, do charity work etc. Then I realised it was nothing to do about his wealth, and everything to do with someone with bad personality traits who doesn’t take on-board well meaning friends advice to make a better go of life. Lots of time he demonstrated craftiness, lies and deceit. And I just don’t tolerate that.

Yes. I assumed people would have compassion for those less fortunate than themselves. There are some out there where it’s all me, me, me. And they just don’t give a stuff about anyone else and would trample over everyone else to get what they want. Except when they are in trouble themselves, then it’s constant shouting and demands and crying for attention and elbowing people out the way to get to the front of the queue.

Exactly. He didn’t like being criticised and I tried to point out a few ways to improve, although I was very careful not to frame it as criticism as I genuinely wanted to help him improve his life. Eventually I got sick of his aggressive complaining so I blocked him but he ended up texting me as he wanted the last word and got a torrent of abuse when I said goodbye. When people think but didn’t you realise before he was an arse, he was very good at curating an image of a nice person and family man where he got bad luck, when in fact any bad luck was entirely his own making.

Thank you.

Exactly

Absolutely not, didn’t fancy him. Just didn’t like being tricked when he pretended to be a nice person so I spent a lot of time and effort using my contacts to get him a job. Also, didn’t like being insulted when I said that’s it, I’m off. Also, I don’t fancy weak, spineless cowardly men. They are like eunuchs to me, so I never fancied him, but it is interesting people thinking “oh there must have been something going on” - er no, he wanted to use my contacts to get a job. Simple as.

I know. I was annoyed but he was persistent. Then he tried to claw in a friendship as he was on the make, and recognised I was useful and he hung around like a bad smell. Eventually, I got all the jigsaw pieces together and got the full picture of an arse. Lesson learned.

LOL. 😂😂😂 As I was writing saying don’t contact me again. I did think he was some Prince Harry type.

I wouldn’t say I’m a sucker for a sob story, but I do try and help people out. I originally thought I was doing the right thing by helping what I thought was a friend out, and he came across as a family man, and I thought well, I would help this family out. He had a bit of a cold wooden personality with a sheltered life. I’ve learned my lesson.

AMEN!! Thank you!!!

Your level of investment in this guys life is mental and baffling. No one is this invested in someone without having been in a serious relationship with them, wanting to be in a relationship with them or needing serious psychiatric help.

And I just don’t buy the professional interest angle. A good few years someone decided to take me out in a terribly public manner cos I didn’t fit his agenda work wise. Even when he came a cropper even more publicly not long ago (you live by the sword, you die by the sword) I have thought about him less than the brain space you are giving this guy.

Get a grip!

Even from someone coming out a serious relationship, this level of detail, bitterness and involvement is frightening. so a "friend"?

Does that guy have a stalker by any chance?

Not a stalker. Won’t even remember his name in a week.

I didn’t take him out in a workplace. There isn’t any malice involved. There’s no revenge. I simply ended a one-way friendship where he was asking for work favours and for me to get him a job as he had a terrible churn rate in jobs when his bosses found out he wasn’t up to the job and kept sacking him and he was moaning 24/7 how hard done by he felt in life whilst he lived a lottery winner lifestyle. Anyway, this topic has gone on longer than expected as it was meant to be has anyone had experience of a Narc, reply yes, move along. I won’t even remember his name in a week.

Sorry haven’t rtft but what’s your aibu? You’ve just come on and slagged someone off.

No malice!? This whole thing is just complete malice.

You are just digging a bigger hole every single time you post

Honestly OP, it sounds as though every fibre of your being is eaten up and gnarled with scorn and hatred.

In all my years on MN I'm struggling to remember a thread even similar to the level of scorn you show in every single post.

It's really unhealthy and perhaps time to look into getting some sort of therapy?

Really? If it took you fifteen years to notice he was a wanker, it suggests to me that it might well take you fifteen more to stop sounding off about how awful he is.

It’s not malice. It boils down to an incessant complainer who was a user who kept asking work favours and could I get him jobs. Maybe I should have framed the post in terms of “has anyone had experience of a narcissist, what did you do about it?”. Obviously, something I have said has touched a nerve and you’re taking it personally. I wish you well, but this post is closed now. Everyone has said their piece.