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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To to be annoyed and upset that our plans to move look as if they have been scuppered?

28 replies

Gateau · 02/06/2008 09:12

AFter much discussion, my DH and I (along with our baby DS) had decided to move to Ireland. We had planned to put our house up for sale this month. It's where I'm from and my DH was happy to move there. His family - understandably, I suppose - have never wanted us to go and have made that abundantly clear; so much so that his mother told him once that with her son moving away it felt as if he was dead.
In the last few days however, my DH's brother has told him of a "golden opportunity" job that has come up in his company. Granted, it will mean a lot more money and it is a great opportunity for DH -widening his prospects etc etc.. BUT our plans to move get shelved. It would also mean my DH would be working from home most of the time (we don't have ANY space for an office) and also doing a bit of travelling. In the past, he has said he wouldn't like to do either - which worries me somewhat. We don't know how much travelling will be involved at this point. If it's going to be on certain days then I will have to give up my part-time job as there will be no-one to take our DS to nursery.
Needless to say, we have been discussing this all weekend. DH wants to go for it, and I really don't want him to - because we had definite plans to move. And for the reasons mentioned above. But I am in a dilemma because while I know he won;t go for it if I really don;t wnat him to, I also am aware he could resent me for preventing him from doing it, in the future.
To make matters worse, we had my DH's mother on the phone last night saying what a "wonderful opportunity" it was, that I probably wouldn't want to work and I can go back to Ireland every weekend.... Yeah, and that will cost how much in the long-run??! I feel so annoyed that she is meddling and all she seems to care about is keeping her son here, without giving a about our family life. Surprise, surprise, DH and I had a huge row about it all last night - and now I just dot know what to do. I have even suggested he takes the job and we still put the hse up for sale (because it will prob take ages to sell in the current market)and see how it all goies, But he won't do that. So it's an all or nothing scenario.
I feel so off as I don't want DH to resent me forever for depriving him of this opportunity, but at the same time I don't want to stay here.
Am I being really selfish? SOme advice welcome, please!!!!

OP posts:
Heffagooday · 02/06/2008 10:47

I don't think you're being selfish. It must be really annoying having his family meddling in your decisions. I can understand that you're worried about him resenting you if you move, but I guess you might resent him if you don't move? What are the opportunities for your DH in Ireland? Obviously it has to be a joint decision for you to move, but it sounds like you're being pressured by his family as well.

Sorry, I don't have much good advice to offer

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/06/2008 11:13

I presume you have family in Ireland hence wanting to return. However your DH has family here yet you are quite willing to make him move from them which seems a liitle one way to me.

Of course his mum may not want him to move away, its natural. She may also be concerned that he has good job prospects here and will be going to the unknown.

Whatever you decide, it seems like one of you will only end up agreeing for the sake of it which will just lead to resentment and the problems it brings.

Lauriefairycake · 02/06/2008 11:52

I think it's mighty convenient that this job has materialised now.

I'm not sure that working with
family who may or may not be trying to manipulate a situation is a good idea

TwoFirTreesToday · 02/06/2008 12:17

Why dont you try a 6 month or a year trial run? He might hate the job but at least he will have had a go at it. It would also give the housing marking time to settle a bit, and would mean you wouldnt carry the 'blame' or whatever for the move, as you would both be in agreement again. Good luck.

Original poster
Gateau · 02/06/2008 12:55

Thanks for advice you three. Happymumofone, I asked for advice - not a slagging off for a situation you know nothing about.
I have just found out the job is a sales manager for Scotland. Call me thick, but I would think that would entail quite a bit of travelling in Scotland - and we live in the north of England. Hmmmm. Looks like I may have to give up the job I like to get our DS to nursery. One wants to be supportive, but at what cost?

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 02/06/2008 13:13

I didn't "slag you off" as you put it, you asked for advice and dont like that somebody disagreed.

I just thought your post was about you and not taking into account anybody else. Very easy to do as we tend to see things from a blinkered perspective when its something we want.

Original poster
Gateau · 02/06/2008 13:17

I neither have the inclination or time to reply.

OP posts:
Heffagooday · 02/06/2008 14:06

Is your DH able to get a bit more information about the job and exactly how much travelling would be involved? If you knew exactly what it would entail you might find it easier to make a decision.

havingaschoolcrisis · 02/06/2008 14:09

Wow you are rude Gateau.

Original poster
Gateau · 02/06/2008 14:13

Heffa,
Thanks for your advice too. Yes, I have asked my DH to ring up and find out exactly how much travelling would be involved. I agree - we can't really make any sort of informed decision without this knowledge.

OP posts:
frisbyrat · 02/06/2008 15:06

What havingaschoolcrisis said.

Quattrocento · 02/06/2008 15:10

You know, I don't know how you were planning to live in Ireland (He work? You work? You both work? You both put your feet up?) but can't Ireland wait for a year while you see what this is like?

BEAUTlFUL · 02/06/2008 15:14

"I neither have the inclination or time to reply."

Next time you want to sound unbelievably rude and dislikable, remember it's nor after neither.

jesuswhatnext · 02/06/2008 15:22

i get the feeling the op only wishes to hear our advice as long as we agree with her

Original poster
Gateau · 02/06/2008 16:03

Exucse me while I yawwwwwnnn..
In for a penny, in for a pound, eh? Might as well get more hate mail while I'm at it.
.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/06/2008 16:06

Gateau, would you consider a move to Scotland? Less travelling for your DH, and you may well be able to find a new job to suit. There are regular ferries to Ireland from Troon and Cairnryan.

Original poster
Gateau · 02/06/2008 16:09

Thank you for your non-abrasive, CONSTRUCTIVE message, oldlady.
Yes, we are going to talk about that tonight.
Many thanks again.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/06/2008 16:33

Well, you need a bigger house if he's to be working from home, and you could do with being a bit further away from the inlaws lol!

silvercrown · 02/06/2008 16:48

I agree that your hubby should go for a trial run. At the end of the day if it doesn't work out at this company (and he may not like the job himself after a while) at least you didn't stand in the way and he can't resent you and you can suggest the move to Ireland again. If it does work out and he's happy then you will just have to discuss the move at a later date and see how it goes. Now is not the best time to sell at all and if he gets a new job that is fabulous - that could see you through the rough tide of the housing market and you can make a move much later when you won't (hopefully) lose out or have problems selling up. Trust me - I know - we've had our house up for sale for over a year now. It's a nightmare. No-one is looking and we've dropped by £25,000!!

Original poster
Gateau · 02/06/2008 20:57

THank you for your help, both of you. Would you believe it, DH has decided to scrap the idea. He thinks Scotland is far too far and apparently there isn't much business up there for his line of work anyway. So at least it wasn't all down to me and the in-laws can't blame me either.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/06/2008 03:19

I don't know what line of work your DH is engaged in, but "Scotland is far too far" from someone already living in the north of England?

It looks like the "golden opportunity" isn't that golden after all?

Sorry if this feels a bit abrasive

Original poster
Gateau · 03/06/2008 08:43

For a start, his brother - who already works for the company - said there wasn't as much business in Scotland (originally we thought the job included the north of England too), hence the commission wouldn't be as good as we first thought. So it wouldn't be worth me giving up the job I like, which also pays quite well. (I would have to do this in order to get our DS to nursery- my DH does this now but he would be away loads). Secondly, the job will entail travelling all round Scotland and he doesn't want to spend that much time in the car, nor does he want to be away from home that much. It's simply not suitable. SO it's far from that golden opportunity we first thought it was.

OP posts:
TwoFirTreesToday · 03/06/2008 08:55

So is it back to plan A? Move to Ireland? Sounds like DH spotted the flaw in the inlaws cunning plan just in time

wannaBe · 03/06/2008 09:15

, but if you?re moving to Ireland you will be giving up your part time job which you like anyway, no?

I think there are two issues here actually.

1 ? your ILs should not be interfering in your plans, whatever they may be. But if you?ve lived near them all your lives then it may just be hard for them to accept that your dh is moving far away from them. Either way they should support you whatever you decide.

2 ? although you may have plans to move, you should also not be putting your lives on hold where you are, because at this stage of the game there?s still a real possibility it may not happen. The housing market is very quiet atm, so it?s highly possible you may not be able to sell your house, in which case you wouldn?t be able to move. We planned to move last year but due to inability to sell the house we had to give up the idea, similarly I know several other people who have been through the same. So if a good job did came up, there?s really no reason why your dh shouldn?t take it, especially as you haven?t moved yet. It could take you a year, or two, or more, to sell your house, and in that time dh could be doing a better paid job which would earn money to help build your future in Ireland, if you ever get there.

It?s simply not a good idea to have a one-track plan for your future, because if your future doesn?t pan out how you plan (and things rarely happen how we plan them) then you have nothing to fall back on.

stleger · 03/06/2008 09:18

Is it the lure of the gateaux cakes?

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