Colleague commenting on my food

[PotatoPrometheus]

A bit of background, I have a complicated and unhealthy relationship with food. History of binge eating, always been slightly overweight and (many years ago) had a very controlling partner who would have to 'approve' everything I ate...I'm free of him now and in a very loving relationship, but it's left a lasting legacy of feelings of shame around food.

I generally eat quite healthy, I try and stay within my calorie allowance and I workout every day. I'm a lot healthier than I used to be and am generally in a good place with my body now.

I have a colleague who used to be a chef and loves food, I love food and enjoy cooking so we do talk about recipes a lot. Generally we get on really well.

He's always been very interested in what I'm eating for lunch. At first I found it difficult and a bit triggering, but I know he is only being curious so I've gotten used to it and didn't say anything because I figured I was just being overly sensitive.

He's now started occasionally making comments about me eating and I'm finding it really hard. If we have sweets or bisuits in the office I will usually avoid them, but whenever I do have one it will be something along the lines of 'moment on the lips' or something in that vein. Yesterday in the office I had two haribo sweets and then a packet of (baked) crisps after my lunch, because I was feeling really hungry, it is more than I'd usually have so it was unusual for me which is maybe why he picked up on it. He's made a joke this morning on our group chat about me 'being on a mission' yesterday and it was '[my name] vs food'. I feel so judged but also just disgusted and ashamed of myself, I've not eaten anything all day as a result and feel like s**t.

I'm fairly confident he doesn't mean these comments to hurt me, I think he just means it as a joke. I'd never comment on someone's food intake, but then I'm very sensitive to it myself so maybe it's something that other people don't think is a big deal?

I either suck it up and stop eating stuff in the office so there's no need for him to comment or I try and delicately bring it up with him and explain that I'm actually very sensitive to these kind of jokes/comments and would appreciate if he tried to avoid making them in future. Is there a way to do this without making him feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me?

YABU - I need to be less sensitive, he only means it as a joke and it's not worth the possible office fallout if I say anything about it.
YANBU - I should ask him to ease up on the jokes a bit and hope he understands.

You don’t need to explain anything to him … this is information that is personal to you and you do not need to share this in order for him to stop .
I would take him aside and say to him that you are giving him some friendly advice that it’s not okay for him to comment on how much or type of food you or others are eating as he is shaming people .
tell him it’s okay to talk about food in the context of cooking, flavours etc but personal comments are not okay .
Say this in such a way that it is a general statement about anyone ( so you’re not forced into sharing your own private information about your relationship with food… unfortunately his comments do show he is judgemental and you then have the added burden of second guessing if he is judging you based on anything private you share with him).

This is a great approach

He's an arsehole.

Don’t even be polite about it in a bid to manage his feelings, he didn’t afford you the same luxury. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to comment on what you - or anyone for that matter - is eating/body size/shape etc. If there is a genuine interest i.e. that looks yummy how did you make it? Can you give me the recipe/details then go ahead but otherwise keep your thoughts to yourself.

This is actually pretty nasty. I think he might be a well disguised bully. Tread carefully, he’s “only joking “ 🙄. I think I’d plan some suitable replies to shut him down when he says things like this. Something about him paying so much attention to what you’re eating is a bit stalkery and you expect to find him going through your bins in the middle of the night next might be what I’d go for, though you are best placed to know what would work in this situation. All said with a big smile of course.

So the group chat is a bunch of work colleagues and he said that publicly? Thats totally unacceptable.

I'd be giving him a pretty stern clear message he's never to do that again and if he keeps making comments then it's back to 'courteous professional communication' and that is all. No more friendly chit chat. Do not take any excuses of 'he didn't know' or 'didn't realise'.

I'm fairly confident he does mean these comments to hurt you. He's picked up on your discomfort around food, spotted your vulnerablity and has been using it against you for ages in a subtle way that you might not be able to articulate but have felt. But he's got bolder and is getting a bit more overt. Nip it in the bud.

And if he puts anything on the chat like that again bite back on it and shame him - publicly commenting about another persons eating habits is not ok.

It sounds like he has issues of his own relating to food. Yes, I think you should ask him not to comment on your eating anymore. YANBU at all.

I would reply on the group chat as he has named you on there! Just something like ‘it’s rude to comment on how much people are eating, and I don’t appreciate it’

I have a colleague who is similar. She’s a bully.

I doubt raising it with him will make any difference. It might make it a lot worse.

Is there somewhere you can eat your lunch in private? A lot of people will say you shouldn’t hide away but at least then you can enjoy your without of being observed. If he’s making comments about the Haribo I would either ignore or pretend I hadn’t heard. “What was that, Rob? Oh yeah, two Haribos.” Maintain a silence and look away.

I’d stop discussing food with him full stop if it’s a bit triggering for you.

Do you have a supportive manager. If so, I would discuss it and say it’s a difficult subject for you so at least it’s logged. It’s an employer’s duty to provide a safe working environment.

If it were me...

"Ah Dave, will you stop with the never ending food monitoring and commentary? Surely, there are much more interesting converation topics".

Ghastly man. I once had a boss like this. He would pick on something about each female team member (he didn't do it to men funnily enough) and make constant "hilarious" quips about it. He did the food thing to one of my colleagues making out she was greedy and obsessed. If we were hosting a client event with catering he'd be all "oh quick, cover the buffet before Diane eats it all hahaha". The ridiculous thing is that he was overweight and she was slim!

Mine was based on me once mentioning that my husband and I shared the cooking and that if I had professional exams coming up and was revising in the evenings he'd do an extra share then. I suspect he was a bit of a misogynist who disapproved since his "jokes" towards me were all about me being a lazy wife who couldn't/wouldn't cook/bet you would burn water hahaha. I did snap back once and he got really offended but he did stop.

Sorry but no. She should not have to make herself small because a grown ass adult bully thinks they own the place and have the right to make other people uncomfortable. Screw that.

Ah I see, he's boring.
I would handle it like this: 'hey, I know you aren't meaning anything by it, but my ex used to make shitty comments about what I ate and it just makes me feel a bit crap, any chance we can leave off and you can take the piss out how fast i want to leave the office every day instead?' (or other mild 'banter') then whatever he says go 'cheers mate, knew you'd get it'
However, you shouldn't have to disclose what happened to you, and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to tiptoe around his feelings (because he hasn't around yours) so the above might not be the route you wanna go.

I do have somewhere I can eat in private but it's a lot more inconvenient and kind of makes me feel more shame around it...I used to have a big issue with eating food in front of people and have worked hard to overcome it so it would feel like a step back.

My manager is actually amazing and really supportive, so I think I will mention it. She's very discreet as well so I don't think she'd say anything directly to him but she would be supportive in the group chats if he says stuff like that in the office or online.

I think I will try to cut down/not respond to the food chat generally as well.

He's being an arsehole. I agree wholeheartedly with this 👇

I'm fairly confident he does mean these comments to hurt you. He's picked up on your discomfort around food, spotted your vulnerability and has been using it against you for ages in a subtle way that you might not be able to articulate but have felt. But he's got bolder and is getting a bit more overt.

The thing is, to get him to stop you are going to have to let on about your struggles with food. The reason why I say that is because no matter what you say, the very fact that you've objected to his "banter" will make him assume you have some kind of sensitivity in that area. It's frustrating and unfair that he's forcing your hand that way, but it's true.

With that in mind, my go-to strategy in these situations is almost always to brazen it out. So you could go with the sledgehammer approach: "I have an eating disorder, can you stop?" * Or you could go with reverse shaming: "why are you looking at my hips? Yes but why are you looking at my hips? Why are you thinking about my hips though?" Or just the broken record: "stop commenting on my food. Stop commenting on my body. Stop commenting on what I eat." etc.

• NB You could say your friend/mum/neighbour does if you'd rather not say this about yourself. Or you could always tell other colleagues that you don't, in fact, but you just wanted him to stop.

Yes to clarify, the group chat is a teams chat with my whole team in there. It was about 4 hours ago and the chat has moved on now so I think perhaps the time has passed to address it directly in the chat without looking super petty...but I think I will say something immediatly in the chat if it happens again. I can be a real doormat sometimes, I need to stand up for myself a bit more really - albeit professionally and in a work appropriate manner.

"Can we drop the food talk, Jim?".

Then there'll be a lot of "I was only joking / just banter / you're oversensitive / dear me, wimmin and their silly hormones and emotions / can't say anything these days" etc, but just repeat the same thing. "Be that as it may, can we drop it". "Duly noted, can we drop it". "Yeah, I need it to stop". Make it awkward - for him. Don't discuss, just tell him to stop. As many times as it takes.

I like the non-personal suggestion, I think it is probably worth saying something. Though I'm not sure if it's a bit late for me to mention it in relation to this incident without looking a bit obsessive (it was about 4 hours ago that he posted it on the chat). But if it happens again, I think I'll mention this. I know two other women at work (thankfully in other teams) who have histories of eating disorders and would find it devastating if this was said to them. So I do think I should call it out a bit, and make him aware that he needs to be a bit more careful around what he says. If he carries on after that, then of course that's on him and he's being willfully ignorant.

Never mind explain to him gently. Next time he says anything about what you eat a loud Fuck off should do the trick. If he complains about that say, with a very straight face, you were only joking.

Tell him to fuck off. Or words to that effect. You don’t need to pussy foot around him ‘easing up on the jokes’. Be blunt.

I think I'd say something to the effect that his remarks are inappropriate and unprofessional, and please keep such comments with reference to me to yourself in future.

And fuck him. Fuck him if he 'feels bad', fuck him if it was 'just bantz'. . just. . .fuck him. Misogynistic, chauvinist twat.

I've got two daughters who don't speak to their grandfather as a result of similar remarks made to one of them. Nine years and counting.

We don't have a sense of humour about that in our family. Not with two generations of people grappling with eating disorders, and way too many fuckwits having played a part in the creation of these disorders with their 'well meaning' remarks.

Do what you feel is right in terms of where you eat your lunch.

It’s all very well people telling you to tell him to fuck off but unless you’re the sort of person who can handle difficult characters and are quick with comebacks it could make you feel much worse.

If you’re generally a quitter more gentle character then ignoring is often easier and less stressful.

I would reply to the chat 'Eh? I was eating crisps because I was hungry. Bit odd to remember what I was eating '

That is what I thought when I first read this thread. Usually people who make these kind of comments have issues around food themselves.

The adult me would ask him to please, cut the comments out about what i am eating but the child me would wait until HE was eating and say something like "a minute on the lips , equals a lifetime on the hips!"

Horrible man.

I was thinking pretty much exactly this.
I think it is a bullying behaviour sometimes.
I've told a colleague to "stop with the food police comments, it's boring". They got the message. Does he comment on the men's food choices, I wonder? 🤔

I think this is brilliant. You don't need to apologise or explain, and there doesn't need to be awkwardness around if afterwards. If he's even half decent, he'll take note and let it go.