Do you think this is a nice person you’d want to be around ?

[ahwhatthehrll]

I have noticed a woman in my extended family ( in law family ) has been a bit shitty in my opinion towards my family.

when my DD was around 6 months, a relative asked me how I was and I said I was pretty exhausted because the baby was up in the night. We were at a family function and I really wanted to get home to get the baby to sleep etc and said something like, I really need to get home because it’s all my problem with the baby of course because DH works such long hours and I’m feeling very tired and if she doesn’t go to sleep at a certain time, I’ll be up all night. The relative was like ‘ oh that’s nothing, I was working full time in a restaurant when I had a baby, my baby just had to nap in the back.’

A few years later the same relative invited us to their house to a bbq. There was a big table, a swimming pool and a garden on a huge slope. The big table where everyone was eating etc was next to a door which led directly into a small living room. They also have a dog. My kids were 1 and maybe 3 at the time, so both walking. The entire party was pretty stressful as we had so many dangerous things there- the pool, the sloped garden which had a steep drop at the end and the dog. The dog jumped on my DD and knocked her to the ground. It was a nightmare. The husband told the relative to take the dog inside as the kids weren’t able to walk around really and we just had to hold them or try to distract the dog so he wouldn’t jump on them. The relative refused to put the dog inside, stating the dog was her baby. It was very hot that day. In any case, people were not really eating anymore. Some were at the pool, others were going in and out of the house to the toilet, some were sitting in the small living room. So I took my kids in there as it was the only safe space really. I was supervising them and gave them a phone to look at. I just wanted a respite as I was exhausted. Anyway the host came out and told us to go back outside. We had made zero mess in the room and other people were also sat there but she still asked us to go out. I don’t think it was very kind at all and I think we should have left the party. We should have left as soon as the dog knocked down my daughter but we really didn’t want her to develop a fear of dogs, so we stayed and made sure she was ok with the dog, under supervision of course. Am I unreasonable in thinking that this isn’t a very nice person and she hasn’t really treated us that well ?

You don't need justification to think someone isn't a very nice person.

But clearly from the way you've typed that, we're going to think she isn't.

Try to spend less time with her and try to get your husband to do a bit more parenting, as I doubt he'll be as bothered by this as you are.

clearly by the way I’ve typed that ? I don’t know, this is MN and I am fully prepared for people to say that I’m being unreasonable and pathetic for holding on to a grudge about this.

and to tell me it was rude to go in the house without asking. And that I’m unreasonable for staying at the party at all because I should have left immediately when the dog jumped on my child.

oh and also that I shouldn’t have moaned about being tired when I had a baby because people don’t want to hear it.

I am holding a grudge because of these two instances. I just wonder if that’s unreasonable ?

she’s extended family so not someone I need to see often. But occasionally MIL tries to guilt us into feeling bad we don’t see her that much. When she’s actually MIL’s generation and ‘ friend / relative ‘ anyway.

The first example is a big fat nothing in my opinion, the second is a bit unkind but I wouldn't hold a grudge over it.
You're giving it too much headspace.

I only give it headspace when it comes up, if that makes sense.

The first example of the comment made wouldn't bother me..

The second incident with the dog would really annoy me.

It's honestly impossible to say OP. You've given two examples of thoughtless/unsympathetic behaviour which happened a few years apart but we don't know how much time you spent with her between those events.

You do not need the internet's permission to dislike her and you can choose whether you spend time with her or not.

You can get a strong impression you don't like someone by one or two incidents. That's totally fine. You don't need to like everyone and they don't need to like you.

Just don't see them unless it's unavoidable at a large gathering. But holding onto resentment about a couple of things that happened a long time ago won't really do you any favours. She's just not your type of person. Cast no further thoughts upon it.

It’s more like, how much effort would you make for someone who’s treated you / your kids this way ?

in my opinion minimal. But I’m a pretty grugdy / you get one - max two chances type of person. So for me, she’s done. I will be polite but she was shitty to us, so I won’t go out of my way to attend her events. If MIL has an event and she’s invited I’ll be nice, but that’s it.

Why have you bothered with this thread? You keep describing her as shitty and you've already decided how you're going to act around her in future. You're mind's made up so why ask for opinions?

I explained I’m quite unforgiving. Just wondering if others are as unforgiving, some have said it’s shitty behaviour, others have said not that shitty.

sorry I have an opinion about it already. If everyone says I’m being too much, I might change my mind. For now, I haven’t, is that acceptable to you ?

I don't think either occasion would have bothered me much, certainly not to the extent of "holding a grudge".

Sounds like your conscious is telling you you generally and broadly need more boundaries ( but don't we all)
And a stronger sense of self. And to self advocate in a balanced and safe way. She might be getting under your skin to alert you to a wider issue of having enough engergy to be present to what's right for you, beyond 'social conditioning' of the moment - you know you needed to leave and she's weird.

These things can feel really subtle and untangeable when it happens in the moment. The social programming of women and wives to be nice and not make a fuss is real.results in intution for real danger getting turned off.

I know I've left health issues slide ( like she dismissed your exhaustion) and dismiss myself bc others told me to get over it. Dosent really work like that though.

I think you’re right. We didn’t want to make a fuss. Kept reassuring everyone it’s fine etc and trying to reassure our DD. It was a heavy dog. It was not on. I have a dog, we are dog people. If my dog is ever too much for a visiting child or even if a visiting child is just scared of dogs, I always put my dog away. I would not behave like this lady at all. My DH also didn’t want to make a fuss because I also think he’s conditioned to be ‘ nice to family ‘. We should have left.

She sounds really mean and I would keep my distance as best as possible.

Was the living room closed off at the party, or was it open for guests to enter? If it was closed off, I would have either left the party completely or asked before using the room. But I wouldn’t worry about it in hindsight.

It was open. There were people sitting in it chatting at different points.

You are coming across as being quite hard work tbh.

@ahwhatthehrll

In that case she is completely bonkers and doesn’t deserve any headspace

Lol of course

I think I agree with you, more so with the second example.
she knew you had 2 young kids, lots of hazards around with the pool and dog, yet did nothing to accommodate your family.
Clearly shows you how little the kids mean. I wouldn’t bother to go out of my way too.

This. First instance is you being precious. Second one is worse but not that big a deal.

Where did she actually treat you so " badly"

I think both of these are total non issues.

but up to you if you want to let them linger and annoy you.

We were at a family function and I really wanted to get home to get the baby to sleep etc and said something like, I really need to get home because it’s all my problem with the baby of course because DH works such long hours and I’m feeling very tired and if she doesn’t go to sleep at a certain time, I’ll be up all night.

It's not that you aren't allowed to moan, but all you were saying there is that someone came to speak to you and. You told them how much you wanted to leave!

The second situation would have been far easier to manage if your husband was looking after one of the children.

Sounds like you e made up your mind to dislike her though...

You’re making a massive deal out of some really minor incidents. The first one is a non-issue. The second one is a single moderately annoying incident that most people would have thought ‘Jeez, no need for that’ about and then moved on.

You obviously have a big grudge against her; fine, you don’t have to like her. But you sound really obsessive and intense about it and you’re being OTT. We all have people in our lives that we find a bit irritating. It’s really not something to be this bitter about.

I think you're making the right decision.