Do you think this is a nice person you’d want to be around ?

[ahwhatthehrll]

I have noticed a woman in my extended family ( in law family ) has been a bit shitty in my opinion towards my family.

when my DD was around 6 months, a relative asked me how I was and I said I was pretty exhausted because the baby was up in the night. We were at a family function and I really wanted to get home to get the baby to sleep etc and said something like, I really need to get home because it’s all my problem with the baby of course because DH works such long hours and I’m feeling very tired and if she doesn’t go to sleep at a certain time, I’ll be up all night. The relative was like ‘ oh that’s nothing, I was working full time in a restaurant when I had a baby, my baby just had to nap in the back.’

A few years later the same relative invited us to their house to a bbq. There was a big table, a swimming pool and a garden on a huge slope. The big table where everyone was eating etc was next to a door which led directly into a small living room. They also have a dog. My kids were 1 and maybe 3 at the time, so both walking. The entire party was pretty stressful as we had so many dangerous things there- the pool, the sloped garden which had a steep drop at the end and the dog. The dog jumped on my DD and knocked her to the ground. It was a nightmare. The husband told the relative to take the dog inside as the kids weren’t able to walk around really and we just had to hold them or try to distract the dog so he wouldn’t jump on them. The relative refused to put the dog inside, stating the dog was her baby. It was very hot that day. In any case, people were not really eating anymore. Some were at the pool, others were going in and out of the house to the toilet, some were sitting in the small living room. So I took my kids in there as it was the only safe space really. I was supervising them and gave them a phone to look at. I just wanted a respite as I was exhausted. Anyway the host came out and told us to go back outside. We had made zero mess in the room and other people were also sat there but she still asked us to go out. I don’t think it was very kind at all and I think we should have left the party. We should have left as soon as the dog knocked down my daughter but we really didn’t want her to develop a fear of dogs, so we stayed and made sure she was ok with the dog, under supervision of course. Am I unreasonable in thinking that this isn’t a very nice person and she hasn’t really treated us that well ?

Given you hardly see this relative, is it really worth giving this any headspace, as others have said? I see some family members precisely once a year and the last time I saw them one of them was incredibly rude to me (much worse than your examples), basically went on a character assassination. I was upset for the short spell of time I had to spend with this person then moved on. I have a great life full of lovely people, the fact that one person who I don’t much like dislikes me is water off a duck’s back. Are you generally happy in your life? If so, remember that and hold on to the feeling when you find yourself around objectionable people - it really helps. There are mantras I sometimes say in my head in these situations, that I can share, if you’re interested.

I realised a few years ago that I didn't have to do something just because someone else thought I should. So I don't.

No need to make a big deal out of it, just don't be available for any invites in future. Any big family parties will probably have enough people there that you don't have to have much to do with her.

First instance is a nothing, the second, I’m not keen on dogs at social events at all but it was her house so as much as I don’t like it, well it’s her home.

I think you are dwelling very much on these two things and deep down you are using these to justify not liking her.

I am not saying she is lovely or anything but why on earth are you dwelling on this stuff?

I think you do not know what genuine awful behaviour is within family settings. My Mother would have called you highly strung, which is a term not used these days.