Was I unreasonable

[Imgettingfuckintired]

Last night an argument with me and my dd14 occurred as she is very short tempered at the minute. In conversation I said oh I’m so worrie about online stuff
she jumped up screaming and then called me a bitch
in anger I said give me your phone - she refused . so I told her she wwe grounded she was screaming crying raj upstairs screaming shouting so I went upstairs and took her telly out her room

she then took stuff she has made me off my shelves in the living room
queue more names calling etc I asked her to leave and regrettably I said she should stay with her dad this weekend
he then called my mum who told me I’m to give all her stuff back and stop threatening her . I was literally sat in my room trying to stay away from her as any interaction makes her worse

tiday she wants to drop it all as she wants a lift but I’m so hurt - she thinks she can lie about me and call me names. I feel completely blocked and lkke I don’t want to soeak to her. I just feel like I don’t know how to handle it from here if I don’t give in about her going out tonight uf will be another night or this. But if I do give in it just continues
I want to stop her being on the internet and phone all hours but she gets so heightened I don’t know what to do

Have you posted about her before? This all sounds familiar are we doing to be drip fed lots more further details?

Your poor daughter!

You need to de-escalate situations, not make them worse. You are the adult, the parent, you have to model calm behaviour.

All you're teaching her is how NOT to handle conflict, you're really letting her down.

Tell your mum to keep her nose out your parenting

Sounds like you tried to mirror her behaviour. You’re the adult, the parent, not some other kid in school.

What's happened to commas and full stops and capital letters?

Yes, you were being unreasonable. You now need to work out how to improve the situation, starting by considering her feelings about what happened, not your own. Be the parent, not the child.

I meant I asked to leave my room not the house Just re read. Unfortunately my phone screen is damaged

Well I really don’t know how and I had a feeling it was me but I don’t know how to stop her calling me names which elreally triggers me

Ido you think that when she started getting angry etc that if you’d of stayed calm and asked her what’s wrong, offered some comfort or just let her calm down, that things might if turned out better for you both.

something obviously triggered her and you responded by taking things from her instead of finding out why she was so upset.

never argue back however hard this is. Keeping a calm tone but repeat your boundaries. Count to 10 before you react. So if dd is rude and disrespectful you calmly state you will not be spoken to like that and walk away. If you have an agreement that you can look at her phone you stick to that. What happened got out of control, so I would now calmly chat to her and say this but restate your boundaries and expectations and see if she thinks they are reasonable. Work with her if you can. It is hard and You often shouted and things would escalate because of it but sometimes you do need to step back and be the adult.

I recognise your struggle with these moodswings but I think indeed you need to be able to accept quite a bit from teenagers and only focus on the really concerning behaviour. Name calling is absolutely not ok so would probably require some form of punishment, but then your second reaction was probably sufficient (you're grounded) and there was no need for going in her room to take her tv. Also you following her into her room is a nono, as the room should be her safe space. Can you find more space to discuss things quietly with her; not by having a dedicated session but rather during a car trip/walking the dog/doing the dishes etc.

You’re the parent not her 14 year old mate, you need to be able to reason and calmly manage situations, the response of ph I’m triggered doesn’t really work I’m afraid, if you’re unable to not behave in a retaliatory and escalatory way, which is whay you’re doing , then maybe she needs some time with her father, I’m sorry you’re struggling but blaming your daughter isn’t ok.

She triggered you?
You are the adult and parent. It’s your job to model good behaviour and how to resolve conflict. Not kick off and go nuts at your teen.

@Imgettingfuckintired are you 5?????

Possibly did happen I’m certainly not happy with how I responded but I feel like what else do I try as when I speak to her nicely or try and talk she tells me to leave her alone or won’t talk. She tells me I’m stupid not as clever as her dad and that I don’t cook as nice stuff as other mums. I feel like I am at breaking point with it. So iv gone into this territory
I keep offering things to do, takw hee out give her space but the more I offer the more I’m treated like this.

I’d also add, she’s being the mature one, trying to put it behind you both today, it is you who wants to carry it on.

You’re still trying to make her the problem, it’s the abuser’s tag line, she made me do it. Maybe take some time out, but today I’d give her the lift and then use the time to reflect.

R thanks you are right about the calm response I know I made it worse. She won’t let me near her phone and gets really guarded about it.

halfway through I was able to regain calmness and just leave it and be In a different room.
i am going to have to take her to her event tonight as it will kick off uf I don’t but I can’t help feeling resentful about it all inside

when I do reinstate the boundaries that we have agreed on she just says no so I feel like any boundaries being put in place will just end up in her screaming shouting etc that’s why I took the telly as I didn’t want to argue about the phone but I have to do something or else this is just going to get worse and worse

My opinion is that providing children with tech and TVs in their room gives them no reason to share space or choices with anyone else. I don't think it helpful in developing tolerance of other people's likes and dislikes.

It gives young adults no reason to share space with family. Aka family life.

Also, unfettered access via phones, which someone described as the whole world having access to your child, seems irresponsible. Like leaving your home unlocked while on holiday abroad.

But, relationships are key. Unless you previously agreed that she would be required to have oversight of her phone and denying this would mean the loss of her TV I think you were unreasonable.

Consequences should be delivered cold, prearranged and impersonal not heated which is scary and doesn't mentor regulation of emotions.

How did I abuse her?
removing her telly ? She didn’t make me do it I did it as it’s the only thing I coukd do to use as a bargaining tool

I said sorry to hear for saying she shoikd stay with her dad for the weekend?

im telling an adult forum what has led to this I have not said she made me do anythhng

The main problem seems to be that there's two 14 year olds in your house

Are you the child or the parent?!

Do you have parental controls on the phone? If not, get them

It's not really parenting though is it?

It's fighting your 14 year old and perhaps the OP's mum can see this.

Which shows a complete lack of parental authority.

In conversation I said oh I’m so worrie about online stuff she jumped up screaming and then called me a bitch

I suspect there was rather a lot more to this conversation than you just casually saying 'I'm so worried about online stuff'.