Was I unreasonable

[Imgettingfuckintired]

Last night an argument with me and my dd14 occurred as she is very short tempered at the minute. In conversation I said oh I’m so worrie about online stuff
she jumped up screaming and then called me a bitch
in anger I said give me your phone - she refused . so I told her she wwe grounded she was screaming crying raj upstairs screaming shouting so I went upstairs and took her telly out her room

she then took stuff she has made me off my shelves in the living room
queue more names calling etc I asked her to leave and regrettably I said she should stay with her dad this weekend
he then called my mum who told me I’m to give all her stuff back and stop threatening her . I was literally sat in my room trying to stay away from her as any interaction makes her worse

tiday she wants to drop it all as she wants a lift but I’m so hurt - she thinks she can lie about me and call me names. I feel completely blocked and lkke I don’t want to soeak to her. I just feel like I don’t know how to handle it from here if I don’t give in about her going out tonight uf will be another night or this. But if I do give in it just continues
I want to stop her being on the internet and phone all hours but she gets so heightened I don’t know what to do

You need family mediation. You can’t stop her calling you names. She has kearned this behavior—possibly from your ex, possibly from you, and its what she knows how to do. She has to choose to unlearn violence as do you.

It literally started her saying she had seen a guy being shot online and I said oh I’m so worried about all this stuff online that you see. She got defensive as a conversation in teb hiuse at the minute is about lessening the online use she won’t hand it in at night and has been on it all night. It’s got to a point uf I was to try and take it things woukd get escalate so I don’t. But I do keep talking about it to try and get it through
she is seeing to much online and it is changing her

The rule we made last week is if she is swearing and calling me a bitch the phone goes away - she refused so I just unplugged the telly and took that - now I’m being told that’s abuse and I’m a 14 year old!

Well if she’s referring to Charlie Kirk then that footage was fucking awful and she’s likely to be pretty traumatised having seen it. Yet you didn’t stop to think or ask what she’d actually seen? My own 17 yo is struggling with what they saw!

you escalated the conflict and doesn’t seem like you had any intention of actually listening to her !

I haven't seen the Charlie Kirk thing thankfully but I know grown adults who did and who are deeply impacted by what they saw. I agree with you that it is something to be worried about and maybe her raising it was a way of opening up for support but you are in engrained patterns of opposition and tension it's hard to break through.

Unfortunately at 14 it's already a very difficult time and trying to undo patterns and repair relationships is going to be hard. You need to get the phone and put on parental controls and explain why, i'll bet all the money in pocket there will be another shooting video the year is out.

Set boundaries and be clear about them in advance. Make them rational and proportional i.e. not handing over device, wifi is off. Not following instructions, can't be trusted to go out. Then follow through calmly without shouting.

I think if the agreement was in getting a phone was that you could look at it then this is what you stick to and put parental controls on it. I would say to her today that you said things you regret, that you will take her to her event but tomorrow over tea and cake you want to have a chat about it. I personally think there may be stuff on her phone she does not want you to see, so I would be clear that there is no blame, you want to protect her and make sure she is safe. Be clear that name calling is never acceptable. You may have many years of navigating this so finding a way through now is important.

So, she tells you she seems someone being shot online. And instead of thinking, "oh my god, what is she watching? What happened? Why did this come up?" you turn it on HER because she's looking at things online?

Yeah, you are the problem here.

My DS also told me he saw someone get shot. Becuas this charlie kirk thing was everywhere. I hadn't heard about it yet so at first I thought it was some silly thing. But I said, "what do you mean? Where did you see that?" becuase I wanted to know what was going on and why he was talking about this. And then he told me about Charlie Kirk and he showed me a video, including news reports on MSM.

Also, kneejerk phone removal is a ridiculous punishment and I'm so tired of parents thinking this is a good one, particularly for teenagers. Rather, teach your children how to interact with online media correctly and, when they behave in ways you don't like, use consequences that are appropriate and in line with the behaviour.

So, if you look at this interaction, she came to you and said she saw a guy being shot online. Instead of responding to her about how that had impacted her - asking how that made her feel, acknowledging that must have been really disturbing for her, you went straight into how you knowing that made YOU feel. She is a kid - she is still learning how to regulate her emotions.

It is hard - it is a world we are not used to. We (society) have given these kids access to all the worst things in the world, straight into their hands, so we have a duty to learn how to help them manage that. We can't just throw our hands up in the air and say "this is awful, I hate that you are seeing this".

Now this doesn't excuse her shouting at you, at all. It seems that the two of ye are caught in a poor communication style. But if you want to improve the relationship, you need to focus on your own behaviour - she takes her lead from you. You shouldn't be taking your lead from her. No-one expects you to get it right all of the time, you need to try - especially when it is hard, especially when it is hard to hear.

I brought it up to her knowing that she would likely see something. She said she had seen it and I made a comment I don’t know why I’m getting vilified for saying it’s so worrying what’s online the intention was to soeak about it with her never got round to it thiugh

I’ll talk this through face to face with someone as it’s just being attacked online I went into a conversation to actually try and discuss it - I didn’t say it with any ill intention and I’m unsure why it warrants me being called a bitch or acting like a 14 year old.

I can’t get the phone that’s e issue and her behaviour has changed and I’m at a loss and and I’m trying to open conversations and understand why but very quickly it escalated - yes I regret allowing myself to react but when it’s every day it’s hard anyway I’ll reach out for face to face support as I feel like every time I says something new on herr it’s getting completely misinterpreted and I’m being told sowmthing new is wrong
ehen deep down I know that o opened a conversation with the intent to support her and try and have a conversation

Oh, just stop.

There is nothing useful for the OP to gain from rude comments like this.

If she didn't learn Sp&G, it doesn't matter FGS.

OP, I hate to say this, but you are displaying a complete inability to take responsibiltiy or accountability, and even though YOU are the adult and the parent, you are very much deflecting and blaming and making it all about YOU as the victim. Pretty classic DARVO behaviour.

I brought it up to her knowing that she would likely see something. She said she had seen it and I made a comment I don’t know why I’m getting vilified for saying it’s so worrying what’s online the intention was to soeak about it with her never got round to it thiugh
You don't know why you're being vilified? Even though lots of people have pointed out that it isn't about how YOU feel, but rather, when your 14 year old sees a disturbing video, it's about how SHE feels. Your job is to worry abotu the internet at another time. At this time, it was about supporting her.

I went into a conversation to actually try and discuss it - I didn’t say it with any ill intention and I’m unsure why it warrants me being called a bitch or acting like a 14 year old.
Oh, poor little you. You had good intentions but your 14 DD was mean to you. <gets out world's tiniest violin> She is 14. she's not always rational. And she had seen someone shot online.....

yes I regret allowing myself to react but when it’s every day it’s hard
The classic "BUT". It does a lot of work in this sentence. And in the thinking of every single person who doesn't want to take responsibiltiy for their own behaviour.

I feel like every time I says something new on herr it’s getting completely misinterpreted and I’m being told sowmthing new is wrong
Has it occurred to you that perhaps therefore YOU, as the adult, should try something different?

Her calling you names ‘triggers’ you?

Grow up. You sound too immature yourself to be a parent and set a half-decent example.

She was telling you she has seen someone shot online and instead of listening you turned it into you being worried about how much time she spends online. Which is presumably not a new discussion and why she went off on one. All teens spend a lot of time online. Try and be someone she can come to if she sees something that makes her uncomfortable. Shouting, taking her stuff and telling her to go to her dads won’t help anything. Today is a new day. Move on.

I’m worried about her having seen someone be shot online yes of course I am

It's not op's mums place to phone up telling op to give her daughter the tv back etc. Op removed it, she's the parent. If I'd removed something as a punishment and my mum tried to make me give it back and interfere she'd be firmly put in her place.

Why cant you get the phone?

because she refuses and name calls which is a completely new behaviour and why I’m worried about her. It is likely to escalate even more than it did which was hours of being sworn at, doors banged and threats made to run off whuch is what happens when I ask for phone to be downstairs at night. I then relented and said in the hall but she won’t do that the mere mention of the phone being separated from her at any point caused a really bad reaction. Which is probably why any mention or negativity about anything online causes that reaction. I took the telly because this is going on too much and because she just calls my mum to tell me not to take the phone or kicks off I leave it which is jow iv got in this mess. This isn’t me victim blaming it’s me saying what has happened. If I wanted to victim blame if go ahead elsewhere not on an anon forum looking for answers as that’s the level of desperation I have reached here

Do you pay for the phone or does it run just off WiFi?

The phone seems to be the issue and my advice would be to get it however you can and put the controls on. Let her know its not a punishment its about safety, the internet isn't a safe place for her and her phone use is clearly an issue (id maybe leave that bit out to her though) then you can control the phone to turn off access to certain things and at certain times. Phone addiction is real! Once the obsession has calmed down, I would like to think other things will too as they come back to reality rather than living through their devices.
Hope things get better for you both 💐

I pay for it but don’t want to cut her off as she needs it if an emergency happens - I have been trying to just try and reason with her but it’s just escalating her.
shes chsnged the password on it I should just take it but I know that will make things worse . But at the moment it feels really difficult

I disagree. I think that in 2025, taking a teenager's phone is more like sending a child to bed without dinner in 1925. I know, no one wants to hear that because we're all supposed to be horrified by our children's use of technology etc. But the reality is that it is their central means of communicating and engaging with others and it is ALL the things we had combined into one - phone, diary, photo album, secret notes, homework tracker, walkman/radio/record player, tv...... taking it away is literlaly taking everything away.

I quite like some of this guys clips on Facebook. It might help a bit with some aspects of what you are saying.
www.facebook.com/reel/908331698158476?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

Its not about cutting her off its about taking control back. If things are bad now they will only get worse unfortunately. Turning her phone access off at a suitable time at night or restricting violent content isnt a bad thing!

I know! And I need to find a way to do it that dowsnt result in mayhem!

This is great and really needed thank you