Do you ever get over being estranged from a grandchild?

[buntingallaround]

I have a grandchild who I have never met, my son had a brief relationship with a girl which only lasted a couple of weeks, we never met her but it was quite toxic and ended on a sour note, they were both teens and it was all over before she found out she was pregnant.
She met someone else while pregnant and he agreed to take on the baby as his own.
She and her family didn’t want my son involved with the baby and my son didn’t have the back bone to argue, she made some threats to keep him away and he just bowed out.

I desperately wanted to be involved but she refused to meet us and put the new boyfriend on the birth certificate.
A few years have gone by and my son seems to have moved on from this but I don’t think I ever will, I think about the child a lot and wish things had been different.
Does it ever get easier?

My mum lost contact with a DGD she adored for the crime of my brothers girlfriend essentially stealing some jewellery, amongst many many other nasty acts, and it not being taken well.

It’s now been around 10 years. My mum tries to console herself with the thought that perhaps she wouldn’t have as much in common with DGD now as she’s missed out on so much of her life so maybe their times together wouldn’t be as special now. I know this sounds a little callous but it’s been the only way she could try and move on. She was bereft for many years especially as she’d taken care of DGD several days & nights a week since she was only a few weeks old.

I do believe you can move on but I don’t think you’ll ever lose the hope. I know every Christmas and birthday is very hard for my mum.

Can you not try sending a letter expressing you are desperate for a relationship? Or enquire with your son why he won’t fight to see his daughter?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know the pain I’ve watched my mum in was unbearable to watch.

Wait until the child is 18 and get in contact.

I think it's very sad and probably you carry that sadness with you. It's a great shame that your son didn't push harder to be involved in his child's life but he didn't and you have to accept it.

There may come a time in the future when the child finds out who his real dad is and come looking. I'm not sure of the legality of knowingly putting a father on the birth certificate who isn't the father but these things have a way of coming out.

I did try to reach out before the birth but she made it clear she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to hear from me again or she’d report me for harassment, I didn’t harass her but she was making her position clear and then blocked me.
She said as far as the child is aware her now partner is their dad, I’m not sure if his family know he isn’t so she definitely won’t want us popping up and revealing the truth.

What does your son think about all of this? Did he not fight against the father’s name on the birth certificate? Thats his child. It seems such a shame he’s turned his back on this, and sadly you’re now caught in the crossfire.

Im sure the child does think of the new partner as their dad, as your son has walked away completely. His chance to fight this has long passed. How old is the child?

I think this is the hard thing of being a mother of a son.
The reality is there could be many Grandchildren out there that you don’t know about, but it’s hard because you know this one exists.
I think maybe I think differently to other people, but I don’t understand the pull towards a child you have never met. Was there ever a DNA test done on the child? Because there is a chance you are grieving a child that may not even be your sons.

It is sad, I always thought he’d live to regret it but he’s never mentioned anything and seems to have put it behind him.
I feel so guilty that I’ve got so much love for them and they’re always in my thoughts yet they don’t even know.

The baby’s mum is partially to blame here but your real argument is with your son, who has rights but decided not to have them upheld. Had he pursued this via the courts his contact and therefore yours would have been very different.

Bless you OP it's hard when your caught in a situation you can't do much about. Hold your head up high knowing you did what you could do. When Mum refuses contact and Dad is unwilling to fight her (not that he should have to but unfortunately it's the way things are) there's nothing more you as a grandparent can realistically do. What I'd do if you aren't doing it already is keep a record of the effort you did make and mums refusal, also write her out birthday cards and Christmas cards, fair enough you can't send them as mum has threatened harassment but you can keep them for when child is old enough and that can reassure child they was loved and wanted by you and thought about. Big hugs OP.

Shame on your son for opting out of his child's life.
Mum is obviously to blame too, but why isn't he trying to be involved? Very convenient for him isn't it?
You probably won't get over it because you'll always know they are out there.

Isn't it fraud to put someone in a birth certificate which is not the biological father?

I really feel for you. We have a similar situation in our family but 2 DC of the same Dad (different mothers). I think YANBU to feel upset but your son and the mother have made their feelings clear so I think you need to stay out of it for now. I'd probably save up money each month into a savings account for them (even if just a few pounds) and write a birthday card each year but don't send, just keep them. Then just hope that eventually they may know the truth and you would be able to give them the money and cards and they'd know their DGM was thinking of them from afar. That may give you some comfort too that you're doing all you can at this time and not just ignoring their existence.

ETA I'd also periodically check in with your DS and say that if he changes his mind about seeing the DC, you will help/support him.

Do you have other grandchildren yet?
It very much may not feel like it at the moment but I can completely understand the mother‘s actions and it may well have been better for the child. We won’t know until much much later on to have the stability of the new boyfriend.
I think you just have to be ready to embrace the child when they’re 18 no matter what they’ve turned out like
My stepmother had nothing to do with her two grandchildren for their entire upbringing and low behold they’ve turned out to be drug addicts etc
And she’s rejected them

The mothers actions aren't understandable at all. She's hardly being responsible by setting up house with another random guy, who she can't have known for that long if they got together whilst she was pregnant. Lying to her child and denying them a relationship with their father and the other half of their family is not in the best interests of the child.

I’m sorry, I disagree.
She’s made the right decision for herself and her child.

And she’ll be accountable for it, so let’s hope it was the right one

She made a completely selfish decision. She wasn't thinking of her child.

Are you sure the child is your sons? Seems a bit off the whole situation.

Or maybe she was thinking of her child. OPs son is clearly a waste of space as a dad given he hasn't even tried.

Experience tells me that they usually are which obviously is not what the OP wants to hear and not having a dig at her at all.
But we have personal experience of this in the family and I can completely understand why my brother is not in the picture and it absolutely is best for the child

Doesn’t sound like the biological father really gave a crap so possibly she did. She picked a man who’s raising this child willingly. While the bio was clearly more than happy to wipe his hands.

No court to prove he was the dad. Just walked away.

As a child of a dad who just walked away because things were tough I’m glad he wasn’t my dad and only my donor.

They both sound like wastes of space. Still no excuse to lie to your child about their father and deny them a relationship with their paternal family.

If she was selfish she’d be collecting that child support off the OP’s son and enjoying at least every other weekend to herself child free wouldn’t she?
She’s actually decided to forgo all of that, No doubt with good reason.

I wouldn't like to assume one way or another given none of us, or even OP I assume, know her motivations. Perhaps she has been selfish and misguided, or perhaps she is protecting her child. OP doesn't actually even know if mum has lied.

Would she even be able to claim, if she's lied on the birth certificate?

That’s my point. She’s made a decision to burn the bridge. She didn’t have to do that so can only presume she had her reasons why she has