Do you ever get over being estranged from a grandchild?

[buntingallaround]

I have a grandchild who I have never met, my son had a brief relationship with a girl which only lasted a couple of weeks, we never met her but it was quite toxic and ended on a sour note, they were both teens and it was all over before she found out she was pregnant.
She met someone else while pregnant and he agreed to take on the baby as his own.
She and her family didn’t want my son involved with the baby and my son didn’t have the back bone to argue, she made some threats to keep him away and he just bowed out.

I desperately wanted to be involved but she refused to meet us and put the new boyfriend on the birth certificate.
A few years have gone by and my son seems to have moved on from this but I don’t think I ever will, I think about the child a lot and wish things had been different.
Does it ever get easier?

that could totally disrupt the childs life especially if they have no idea their dad isnt biological

Maybe the reason is because she made the hugely irresponsible and possibly dangerous decision to shack up with another man she barely new.

That must be so hard for you,OP. I would take comfort in knowing that the child now has a father who cared enough to be on the birth certificate despite not being the biological parent.

People are being a bit hard child's mother. Perhaps she knew her current partner before her very quick fling with OPs son. At any rate, she seems to have found a father figure who cares enough to be responsible, which if OP's son is actually the father, is a big step up from him.
Absolutely nothing OP can do that might not disrupt the peace of the child, which she sounds caring enough to realise is the last thing that should happen. It's a pity she ever knew about it all.

Similar situation but not quite:

My mum fell pregnant essentially with a friend with benefits but then didn’t want him as a partner/coparent. I think my mum wasn’t quite over her previous partner and got back with him after my birth. He never fought for access and I think was quite happy not paying maintenance etc. I also think he would have known he would have had quite a fight on his hands and mum quite happily erased him from our lives (albeit I did get birthday/xmas cards from him and my grandparents most years).

His parents lived the other side of the country and when I was 16 they sent a cheque and a letter asking for me to come visit (Grandma was ill and it was an either now or never situation). I went, had a lovely long weekend, met my aunt who showed me the sights and from there I slowly built a good relationship with that side.

I lost my Grandad a couple of years ago and you wouldn’t have thought I was a complete stranger until I was 16. I’m really close with my cousins that side and we all immediately meshed together. It’s strange, I’ve always been different from ‘my’ family but with that side I fit in quite well.

I think it helped that ‘my’ parents separated before we received that letter. I think mum was more open to the idea once ‘they’ would’ve not got in the way.

Oh, but I’ve never had any desire to have any contact with my biological father. I’ve always been a believer that he had opportunity to fight for me but was quite happy to carry on with his life. I didn’t need a dad when I turned 18. I needed one at 8.

Naming someone on a birth certificate as a child’s father in the knowledge that they are not the child’s biological father amounts to paternity fraud as a birth certificate is a legal document and it is signed on the basis that the contents of the document are true to the best of the informant’s knowledge and belief (i.e., that the person named as the father is the biological father).
It is illegal to knowingly put the wrong father's name on a birth certificate in the UK under the Perjury Act 1911 and the Fraud Act

My goodness, that's devastating. Why did your brother allow this to happen?

Op are you absolutely sure this even is your grandchild?
from your description it sounds as if she maybe was seeing this other man at a similar time to your son.

Nasty and insensitive comment.
OP, my heart goes out to you.
You are clearly a lovely caring woman.
I don't have any answers other than to say you did everything in your power.
Your son and the girl were young teenagers. There is every chance that the child has been loved and cared for.
Hold on to that, there are no easy answers.

Yanbu to feel that way.

Someone might have already said this but:

Naming a father on a UK birth certificate who you know is not the biological parent is considered paternity fraud and can be illegal. A birth certificate is a legal document requiring information to be true to the best of the informant's knowledge and belief.

Ok, so I am going to go against the grain here. But I say leave them alone. You never met the mother nor the child. You are technically not even estranged, as that would imply that you did have a relationship with the child at some point, which you have already sad was not the case.

This child has an established life with two parents that he/she knows as "mom" and "dad". Don't go stirring things up. By your son's admission it was a toxic relationship, so perhaps he did the right thing by walking away and not trying to co-parent with someone he does not get along with.

Finally, you only know your son's side of the story and his ex has zero interest in having a relationship with any of you. Leave them all alone, at least for the sake of the child. If the child has questions or wants to know you when old enough, he or she will come and find you. I think this will be the best option for a less than ideal situation.

I spent a long time blaming the fact she’d once told my brother if he ever left her she’d accused him of DV and he’s never see his daughter again (she’s accused many men of many things - many things which have been later dropped or men found innocent). But now I think my brother is also a bit weak. He sacrificed his family, his own mum, as some sacrificial lamb to appease the devil. She made my life hell when I was a teenager. Spread rumours that I was sleeping with 30/40 year olds when I was underage - even to my own grandparents.
Horrific. I miss my niece and my brother but I’ve managed to come to terms with the fact that opening the door to them again would bring her back. It very nearly killed my mum.

We had my dgc for 2 nights every week from 5 months. For a couple of years... Then ds had what I can only describe as a drug fuelled night then can to us the next day. Assaulted his very small sibling then left. Saw him briefly at a sibling birthday in December 2020...not a word since.
Him and dil had split up. I send cards at Christmas and birthday.. Dgc is now 9.
Ds's mh hadn't been great for a while. Didn't want to add to that by fighting over seeing his dc.

This is what I wondered. If they split up before she even knew she was pregnant, is he definitely the dad?

So your son went on a bender, assaulted your younger child and then, understandably, his partner later left him? So to show your son, that you don’t currently see, that you’re supportive, you haven’t seen your GC? Sorry - that’s crazy.

They were already split. Dil effectively shared their dc with several of her family members. I didn't think it fair to expect her to see less of her dc or disrupt the routines.. Ds is in his 30's. Drugs his choice. I won't support that.