Feel so ugly in my 40s

[LouisaJG]

Just that, really. I’m a stone and a half overweight and can’t bear to look at my fat pie face. Dry eyes as I’m getting older so I can’t really wear contact lenses any more, and glasses have never suited me. I had braces as a teen and nice straight teeth for a while but they’ve moved, so I feel a bit self conscious about my smile in photos. But I also feel like my face has fundamentally changed in some way I can’t put my finger on, it’s not particularly about wrinkles, but like my facial features have literally changed and got uglier, my face just used to be softer and prettier and more feminine. I grind my teeth and I feel like it’s given me this really square harsh wide man jaw that I hate, I sort of don’t recognise myself in the mirror. I hate feeling like this.

AIBU to feel like I’ve not just gotten older, my looks have changed in some fundamental way? Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes
I have this square jaw thing going on. I don't know why, it's not jowls yet, but I think that's where it's going.

Yes, I feel like my face looks like it's melting in my 40s. My strategy is to avoid cameras and mirrors, try to take care of myself reasonably well, and hope that I look better in real life/ in motion.

Sorry you feel this way. We do all definitely change in our 40s but there are things that you can do to feel better. I had Invisalign in my early 40s after my teeth moved again and my retainers prevent more grinding.

A fitness regime and potential change to eating habits maybe a good idea anyway as our bones benefit from this and as we enter perimenopause it can help you feel better about yourself as it relieves some symptoms.

Perhaps a few new clothes that make you feel great and a review of make up if you wear it and hairstyle would help you feel better about yourself.

I’m 60. I don’t look 30, but I don’t think that means ugly.

I voted yabu because some of these you can fix (weight, teeth, skin care). I was similar but am working on these very things. We can't control ageing, but we can control some of these things.

Yes I feel like as soon as I got into my 40’s my face is horrid.
Jowls, hate them.
Feel like my nose is bigger
Look extremely tired even with make up
My hair won’t sit nicely in up do anymore so I just blow dry it straight every day and it’s like curtains.
I also need to lose a stone.
I hate looking in the mirror , all I see staring back is an old sagging frump.
I NEVER used to be like this , was always really content and happy with looks , it’s only the last few years I feel like I’ve really deteriorated.

Yes. I had my photograph taken at work yesterday and I was dismayed. I have a square jaw anyway but also grind my teeth - do you think the teeth grinding really contributes? My features looked really heavy and I looked very plain indeed.
Also hoping I look better in real life, but I'm not so sure...

No, absolutely not. I think people can look stunning with grey hair and wrinkles, look at Andie Macdowell. As I say it’s not so much about what is usually classified as aging (crow’s feet etc), it’s more the feeling that I literally don’t recognise my own face. It would be different if I had the same face but with more wrinkles and a few greys, that I think I could much more easily make my peace with.

It’s divisive but very subtle Botox was a game-changer for me. I’d had a very rough time and looked haggard from it. This helped as did skincare, and getting into a happier place with myself. Eyeliner and blush are a must for me to retain that “prettiness” that makes me look a bit more youthful

I feel the same, OP. I didn't really recognise myself in that photo yesterday

I used to jaw clench and grind my teeth subconsciously (thanks stressful ex employer!) I had botox in my massiter muscles on both sides and it cured my grinding and clenching within two weeks. My face slimmed down noticeably as a result.
I was lucky in that I’d already removed the stress so the botox broke the habit and I haven’t had to have it topped up at all

I think it’s something to do with my mood as I get older that makes me more critical of myself as I’ll have good days where I feel happy with how I look.

I look in the mirror and see my mother .
Very disconcerting.

I definitely look way worse and just tired and i unfeminine if I don’t have make up on. I care a tiny bit but honestly not that much. My skin isn’t great either. But again, I care a bit but not loads. I wonder why it is that it gets some people down more than others. Genuine question. I’ve never been a great beauty but not hideous either. I think I’d feel worse if I had been super beautiful and then looked like I do now!

Yes I have always ground my teeth and now in my 50s my jaw is positively Hasselhoffian, so I feel your pain. Make sure you have a good overnight dental guard. The rest? It’s horrible when you start to notice the decline that comes for us all. You do get used to it but probably not over it 🌺

I also did this. I was clenching so hard I was in danger of damaging my teeth and I was getting headaches and a stiff neck. My jawline has noticeably softened and I feel better in myself. I last had it done a year ago and haven’t started clenching again since. But if I do, I will top it up. I know it’s expensive but so is dentistry and I am pleased with the face-slimming side-effects.

Masseter Botox! It’s slimed my jaw down from clenching and chewing, have it about once a year.

A good Botox aesthetician will be able to advise what you need to freshen you up, lift your face and even nasal slimming, it’s not just used for getting rid of wrinkles.

See I’d be happy if I looked like my mother. I used to. In the past few years I have started to look a lot like my father and, as much as I absolutely adore him, I’m not happy about it.

I'm having botox in masseter too for tempo mandibular dislocation, and jaw issues.
Do try this, also get some free counselling.

I feel the same.

My face doesn’t feel like mine anymore, it doesn’t help that the people around me the same age either haven’t aged much or just look like them but older. I don’t. I’ve had people I know who I haven’t seen for a while walk straight passed me and not recognise me. So I know it’s not my perception. It’s horrible.

You are coming across as being very negative and self depreciating OP.
Please focus on your positives, I am sure there are many. You need to work on your confidence too

STOP self depreciating and putting yourself down. Please

Instead of avoiding the mirror start using it more. Mad as it seems the more you get used to seeing you, you will be more objective and less emotional. Take lots of selfies in different lights and poses and really study yourself.

(From a previous camera avoider who's recently filmed 300+ video shorts and no longer gives a fuck what I think I look like!)

I had masseter Botox for jaw clenching and I really regret it, although I was in agony at the time. I’m mid-40s and it’s slimmed my face too much. I feel like I look more haggard.

I’m actually considering having a small amount of filler in my jaw to pull things back up.

Same here. When I see Shirley Ballas prancing around on screen at the age of 65 looking amazing I wish her money to afford the surgery she’s had.