To get very annoyed by dh rewriting history?

[Thecockapooandme]

It’s a bit of a weird and random thing. But it winds me up.

So we have a teenage ds. He can be a pita. Things like an untidy bedroom, leaving the kitchen in a mess after cooking, complaining when asked to help round the house. Losing things, bring messy. It’s probably things a lot of parents of teens have to deal with. Though I’m sure there are some perfect teens out there. Ds does attempt to do certain things but it’s always a sloppy job.

Dh and I will be discussing it at times, just generally about how frustrating it is and how to deal with it.

Dh likes to make out that he himself was a perfect teen. That he helped out without being asked, that he always cleaned up after himself.

I know this not to be true. I met dh when we were both still young. He still lived with his parents and I know for a fact he was messy, lazy round the house and so on. He then lived on his own for a while before we moved in together and he was lazy then. His mum would go round and clean his house.

After we moved in together it took years for him to start doing his share. I won’t tell you some of the disgusting habits he had and ridiculous ideas he had about cleaning.

We are in a place now where we’ve reached a compromise and dh is a lot better.

It’s the rewriting of history and pretending that he was perfect it sickens me a bit tbh.

So what does he say when you say 'sorry, dont you remember those massive arguments we used to have because you never cleaned the bathroom - and are you actually saying you pretended not to be able to change a bed so I would do it for you? That's really horrible, why would you do something like that?' What does he say???

So if you don’t think he’s doing it deliberately

then that means he genuinely believe it to be true

and sounds like the balance of “good qualities” has definitely tipped the other way.

OP you sound fundamentally like you don’t like him very much.

Thanks, yes you are right about separating the two.

I think as a parent of teens I find it really helpful to have an honest look at my own teen years and reflect on that. It’s just what I find helpful, in terms of putting myself in the place of the teenager and what worked/what didn’t/what could have gone better. Although clearly it’s not helpful to try to have those conversations with dh.

If he was SO bad that almost ended in divorce and he did such heinously disgusting things you can’t even write them down… then he’s either got a disintegrating memory OR he’s doing it purposefully

I think he knows he’s lying but he must think I’ve forgot.

He’s not doing it to wind me up but he’s definitely lying.

You can keep on saying how I don’t like him and all the rest of it, but it’s not helpful and I’m not sure what you’re trying to gain.

Its weird.

This just gets weirder

so you think he thinks YOU have forgot despite you telling him that you haven’t!

I didn’t say he did heinously disgusting things that I can’t even write down.

You’ve completely twisted what I meant and you know you have.

why not agree between the two of you not to harp on about what you were each like as teenagers when discussing your son and just focus on him as an individual

oh and if you say you have a happy healthy marriage now… then great. But given how evasive you are on that, I suspect it isn’t generally a happy marriage and that is relevant to your stance on this

* I won’t tell you some of the disgusting habits he had *

you kind of did op

Why are you trying to "Gotcha" OP? He's lying, and it's pissing her off.

It would also piss me off.

I’m not going to engage with you anymore.

You're not genuine and you’re clearly just here on a wind up.

I often find myself doing that as well, I think you're right it can be really helpful to do. But I don't think you and DH need to do it together and it sounds like that line of discussion is impeding your ability to parent DS through this as a team, so I'd figure out how to keep it separate. You haven't said exactly how it's coming up so I can't give specific advice there - it may be as simple as you not mentioning it, but if either DH is bringing it up or you're struggling to get DH to understand a point you're making without drawing on that then there might be some troubleshooting/script drafting we could do to help.

I don't want to dismiss your feelings about DH seemingly minimizing such a tough time in your relationship. Those are valid, and I think it's reasonable to raise how you feel about it with him. But I would try to not let those relationship issues keep tangling up into the present-day parenting side of things.

Thanks, that poster is on a wind up I think.

Yes dh was a slob and now he trying to say he wasn’t. It’s getting on my nerves. I’m allowed to moan about it on here.

No idea with the poster keeps trying to catch me out.

Thank you.

I think I like to basically say “look, we could be shits as teens but we got through it”. I have those conversations with friends and we all admit all the horrid things we did.

But you’re right, it’s getting me and dh nowhere so probably best to avoid that conversation.

Dh has tried hard to change his ways although not perfect, but who of us is?

I doubt that there’s any easy answer when it comes to getting teenagers to pull their weight.

You sound ghastly

When you bring up the past and all the disgusting things he did and how you almost divorced him over it… what’s his response?

If I say to him kindly that he wasn’t such a clean and tidy person as he’s making out. He says things like “I did know how to change a bed, I was just pretending”, or “I used to clean the bathroom in our flat every day”.

@Thecockapooandme it sounds like he is gaslighting you about a period of time in your relationship that was quite painful for you. This would infuriate me. I've had similar with my ex who would gaslight and dismiss the most difficult bits of our marriage and parenting a high needs baby. It used to make me stressed to have my experience dismissed and then I would dwell on it for ages. It was like reliving it.

Your husband saying, I was jusr pretending etc is him gaslighting you. So it was all a bit of a joke to him?

My younger DS (now VERY housetrained and domesticated) is married and maintains to his wife that he has always been this way. I smile quietly and raise my eyebrows because, while he enjoyed cooking growing up, he was vehemently opposed to tidying up, clearing up his bedroom, putting stuff away, helping clean communal areas etc etc. I have told his wife that his memory and mine might differ...

I think he's just rewritten the past. He can tell a very convincing tale of the time that he got upset because his brother messed up a space he'd just tidied - but he leaves out the fact that it was the ONE TIME he tidied up; and how much he complained about my making him use the washing machine to clean his own clothes or the hoover to do his own bedroom (apparently it was supposed to be my job, as his mother...).

So I'd just take it all with a huge pinch of salt, OP. You can't rewrite their already rewritten pasts, but you can give them the occasional reminder of 'your truth'.

I get what you mean op your trying to figure out ways of getting your DS to help out around the house and stop him from becoming a slob as well and like most of us you can remember going through that same phase when you where a teenager, but your DH instead of owning that he was a lazy useless slob of a teenager is sitting there acting like he was the most perfect teen ever and anything that he did wrong was just him messing about because he knew how to do it really. That attitude and attempts at rewriting history doesn’t help when you’re trying to figure out how best to handle your teenager. I don’t think having conversations with your DH is very helpful because he’s just going to continue to act like he was a completely perfect teen and your just going to end frustrated with him and still unsure on how to handle your teenager.

Why are you trying so hard to be an unhelpful knob? Did your comments make you feel better? You do realise that people use Mumsnet to ask for advice they don’t come here looking to be repeatedly kicked by a troll while they are already down. I don’t know why you even bothered to comment in the first place because absolutely none of your comments have been at all helpful.

I think it's the op's dh!!!

You again with your goading and bullying of OPs. @MNHQ when are you going to do something about this poster!?

This particular troll always has the same MO and posting style. It is absolutely infuriating.

My DP thinks he did all of the night shifts when they were babies. He was talking to them about how he was 'up all night'. There is me sitting there who did all of it whilst he slept through!