To tell my sister she can't stay over

[LoudRedSnail]

Long story short- sister is a nightmare. Demanding, horrid but completely in denial about the state of our relationship and thinks we're still besties like we were aged 8. She's broken our relationship by a thousand cuts and by never contacting me or responding if I call or text. Our parents also like to believe we're still close. I've put up with a lot over the years and I'm now done. However I don't want to upset my parents. She wants to come and stay (read: be waited on, boss my children around, never help or contribute to anything, act put upon if any of this is mentioned) I don't want her to stay but she lives miles away so can't just pop in. I can put up with her for an hour or so but no more. How to proceed? If I hinted at air BnBs all hell would break loose (cue tantrums and tears from her and gravely concerned/hurt calls from our parents). Ugh.

Oh my god, do we have the same sister?! Just this morning I was thinking whenever I help her, she totally abuses my kindness and just takes and takes from me and just wants more and if I dont help further, Im horrible. She is on the spectrum and just lives up the road and always knocks round (no boundaries). I dont know what to do because she is my sister but she gives me huge anxiety! It's like she feels I 'owe her' just for being her younger sister. It is a really challenging situation.

So it's your feelings or theirs?
Put yourself first op.
They care not a jot about your wellbeing.. Feel no guilt..

"Hi Jane, that won't work this time - have you looked at Air BnB?"

"No, the kids need their sleep for school so we aren't having visitors. Have you asked mum and dad if you can stay there?"

"Hmm, if not a great time for us but we'd love to pop in to see you at the parents place"

Or whatever works for the situation - easier if you would have to shift kids out of rooms to accommodate a visitor.

Sometimes you just have to pull the pin....

No, I can't host you.

Maybe next life.

Do your parents live close to you?

Anyone who turns up and tries to boss my children around wouldn't make it through the door again. Set them a good example and show them that you have sensible boundaries. Obviously your parents/sister know if they make enough fuss, you'll give in. That's not a good life lesson for your children.

WTF - why can't you just say No I won't allow you in my home because you're so horrible!

Tell the truth and to hell with it

Hi Sister, We’d love to see you for lunch or dinner a couple of times during your visit but I’m afraid we are very busy and we can’t host this time. Here’s a list of Air BnB’s nearby.

I’d say you’re not having guests to stay right now but you’re happy to meet her for lunch at a restaurant.

Don’t even suggest an AirBnB. Offer lunch in a restaurant and that’s it.

cue tantrums and tears from her and gravely concerned/hurt calls from our parents

Tough shit, truth hurts, I wouldn't be sugar coating anything as an adult who is self aware and unwilling to put up with or enable other peoples bullshit, especially those who trample boundaries and are horrible to me and my family.

Sounds like your parents created a monster and everyone has enabled it all her life. It's stops now.

You could say - you want to come and stay but I don't want you to come and stay because you are demanding and horrid and you expect to be waited on, boss my children around, never help or contribute to anything, you then act put upon if any of this is mentioned, you've broken our relationship by a thousand cuts and i wont host you. Have you thought of AirBNB?

The response should not determine the best course of action. You are being a loving parent to your children and teaching them a lesson not to put up with bad actions by saying no. By showing them that there are limits to family behaviour you may spare them something as an adult because of what they see you do.

Including tantrums not being acceptable.

Face it head on, tell her why you find her hard work to host, suggest airbnb, let her tantrum all she wants, take no notice. Even if it's upsetting you, don't let it show. She may learn after the first time or it might be the fifth, but the thing about adult tantrums is that if you never react or give in, it stops. And don't get drawn into any discussion of it with your parents (again, if she knows whining to them isn't helping, she'll stop. Or even if she doesn't, they'll eventually know there's no point them telling you). Just stick with a cheery "Oh, I can manage my relationships on my own thanks!" or something like that, and change the subject.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Do something different.

‘No sorry’

No need to explain.

Thanks for your replies. It's so hard to break the normal narrative of 'keeping sister happy' which seems to be what everyone in my family is concerned about because she's volatile. Whereas I'm the peace keeper. So it will be a bit of a surprise to everyone ... I just want a way to do this that balances honesty and kindness because I'm not naturally keen on confrontation. My parents live near her. Think hundreds of miles away. It's really not an option for her just to come for a dinner out somewhere. It will be basically like saying I don't want to see her. Feels like high stakes.

The added complication being that...my brother married a lady who is now one of my best friends! They live near my sister. And I will definitely be having bestie SIL to stay! So I can't really do the whole 'no space' or 'not hosting right now' thing as she will know that we've hosted other family.

Be completely honest with her - we just don't have the space or energy to host you right now sister.
(You do have the space/energy to host other guests, because, well, they're pleasant guests).

I could say that, but then the inevitable 'gasp!! (hurt puppy eyes) What do you mean 'energy'????' will happen and I'll have to get into it properly. Kaboom.

Then you also tell her that you don't have the energy or time to debate it.
She's not magically entitled to your time, energy or space, no matter how much she kicks off.

So get into it. Let her rage all she wants, but the conversation ends with "you can't stay with me". Tell her what you've told us about how her behaviour wears you down, so she can't stay with you. The thing about "kaboom" is, nobody can keep it up for all that long.

She's got you trained perfectly to back down because you're scared of her reaction. The only way to change things is to stop being scared of it. If you FEEL scared, fake it 'til you make it. She tantrums, you don't budge. . . and the sky doesn't fall, and the world keeps turning. Once you've done it, you can stop being scared. But you do have to do it.

I really appreciate your pep talks! I know this has to happen. If it was just her that will be upset or would be much easier (she deserves it) but it will really upset my parents who will be confused.

Is your brother and bestie coming at the same time? Why not let them stay and just tell her you’ve already promised them the spare room on this occasion

You could try telling your parents how stressf it is having your sister as a guest, and that you're just not willing to have her stay again. It's just too much to ask of you all.

The only way to avoid her upset is she stays with you, and you don’t want that.

I’d stay factual - the last time you stayed was very stressful and I assume you don’t want a repeat. If you’d like to stay at a nearby hotel here are some options .. we look forward to having you round for dinner on this day and let’s go to the abc museum and xyz funfair on that. Maybe you could offer to go halves / chip in on the accom?

Your friend, parents and other guests have no correlation to your sister saying or no. I think it’s a red herring to say she can’t come because of another guests - as what’s the conversation next time?

You are a grown up - your parents, family, whatever can’t force you to do what you don’t want to in your home that you pay for.

This is exactly what I’d do 👏

OP, I mean this kindly: stop setting yourself alight to keep others [fuckers] warm 💐