To tell my sister she can't stay over

[LoudRedSnail]

Long story short- sister is a nightmare. Demanding, horrid but completely in denial about the state of our relationship and thinks we're still besties like we were aged 8. She's broken our relationship by a thousand cuts and by never contacting me or responding if I call or text. Our parents also like to believe we're still close. I've put up with a lot over the years and I'm now done. However I don't want to upset my parents. She wants to come and stay (read: be waited on, boss my children around, never help or contribute to anything, act put upon if any of this is mentioned) I don't want her to stay but she lives miles away so can't just pop in. I can put up with her for an hour or so but no more. How to proceed? If I hinted at air BnBs all hell would break loose (cue tantrums and tears from her and gravely concerned/hurt calls from our parents). Ugh.

say you all have impetigo

No offence to your parents, but yeah, some people do get "upset" when they're used to someone else absorbing most of the impact of someone else's crappy behaviour so they don't have to, and then that changes. She probably WILL channel more of her attempts at manipulation through them, once she realizes you're not playing the "appease Dsis at all costs" game any more. There probably will be some "please give her what she wants so we don't have to listen to her telling us to tell you". But if you stand firm, you can stop it. If they're confused, explain it to them - once. "She's a pain when she stays, so she can't stay. I won't be discussing it again". Then don't. As with her tantrums, once might do it but probably it'll take a few goes. Then they'll understand there's no point interfering and give up. You do have to be determined, though, when you're changing a dynamic cemented over years or decades. Don't get drawn in. "I'm not going to discuss that - how's the garden?". "I'm not going to discuss that - so did you go to the dentist?". And so on. Whatever the reaction, you're not discussing it. It works if you stick to it; it doesn't if you don't. Be brave.

My sister in law and bro will stay a different time so it's not about space. You're all right, this has to happen and the difficulty for me will be to know when to stop explaining myself and just do what pps have suggested and be unwilling to discuss. The thing is, this might cause a full on estrangement because we have no real relationship and now I'll be making it 'real' and out there which makes it tricky for everyone in the family at larger gatherings etc. I just have to remember it's not my fault!

Do your parents get upset that your sister never contacts you or responds to your calls?

Is she the golden child?

I would lay it on thick with your parents and say you find her behaviour really upsetting.

No you won't.
Tell her over the phone then block her.

I have been through something fairly similar very recently. Honestly, once you've thought about opening the can of worms, you really need to do it. How she reacts isn't your issue. Be strong, if you have a terrible relationship anyway, it's really no great loss, and you'll feel much better for it. As sad as it is, your parent will just have to deal with it.

@AbzMoz You are a grown up - your parents, family, whatever can’t force you to do what you don’t want to in your home that you pay for.

@LoudRedSnail this. I don't say it glibly because I've had to lay it on the line a few times about whose home it was and how little say they had. It came down to this: accept my autonomy and that of my household or you and I will have a very big problem. It didn't work straight away, but work it eventually did.

Just say no and do not feel guilty about it at all

its your home

She is controlling all of you with her threat of volatility. That’s why you are all tap dancing around her and she gets to impose, dominate dictate.

You could pre empt all of this and tell your DPs beforehand so that they are forwarded before she goes bleating to them.

You need to look at her like the weather - she’s a storm cloud - it might burst, it might threaten but might pass by - get your emotional protection ready and weather it for the moment - then just keep calm rinse and repeat once more then walk away and end the call. You have the power here.

As PPs have said your DPs have thrown you under the bus repeatedly by expecting you to tap dance to her tantrums which keeps her away from them.

So what if she ‘kicks off’ - she doesn’t bite - everyone knows what she’s like. Get a plan of boundaries decide what 3 things you will say on repeat and don’t get drawn any further. Get on with it.

Regardless of your sister and parents, start to think what you are teaching your children?

You're teaching them that if you act up, everyone does what you want, that if youre a bitch, you get your own way - and on the flip side youre teaching them that if someone acts up - they all have to pander to them. Break your cycle, don't teach your children to become you. Teach them the right way.

Teach them - Dont be a dick, and don't out up with people who are dicks!