To think that above all, you should marry someone kind?

[KindnessIsQuiet]

I’ve attended a couple of weddings this summer and if I’ve taken one thing away, it’s this: kindness is so underrated. The big gestures are nice, sure. But it’s the small, consistent kindness, how someone speaks to you when no one’s watching, how they support you when you’re tired or struggling, how they treat people they don’t need to impress, that really matters.

Looks fade. Status shifts. Life throws curveballs. But kindness? That stays steady. Or at least it should.

Anyone else feel like kindness doesn’t get talked about enough when we talk about love and marriage?

I couldn't agree more.

I thought I had, then 10 years in he had an affair. I can’t get my head around it.

Definitely agree. I’ve talked to a friend about this. I don’t think kindness was even on the list of things I was looking for in a partner in my twenties. Then I dated someone for a while who wasn’t kind (not abusive, but not kind) and I realised how much it matters.

I think being kind and thoughtful are wonderful traits to look for in a partner and will carry you a long way.

However, I see time and time again threads on here from women saying that their partner is thoughtful, kind and wonderful but they are not sexually attracted to them.

I think if you can find someone thoughtful and kind who you also want to screw like crazy then you are on to a winner! 😜

Totally agree. Kindness and integrity are very underrated, but are actually strong foundations for a solid relationship.

You're absolutely right. Kindness almost feels like an old fashioned concept when in fact it should be what we seek most in our partners and friends, and what we instil in our children.
The way people treat kids and animals often reveals a kind or unkind nature.

Talking about this with DH the other day. We were discussing couples we know where it wasn't immediately obvious what they saw in each other (well tbh what the woman saw in the man) and it did boil down in almost every case to 'he's very kind to her'. The couple of cases where it didn't appear to be kindness was - money.

Absolutely agree, and also agree it didn't occur to me in my twenties! My friends (who are all still married) seem to have got lucky in that respect and I remember longing for some kindness when I was with my abusive ex. What a difference it makes to everyday life (I haver now met someone fundamentally kind and gentle).

I married a very kind man. It's been my one recommendation to my DDs that this is what they should look for in a partner.

Kindness is the most important feature imo. I still love him more than anything because of it.

Yes. Kind to you, to his family, friends, colleagues and strangers. Because how he behaves in general speaks more of character than how he behaves to you at the height of his feelings for you. He doesn't need to be a push over, a people pleaser or a martyr, but he should show decency, respect and consideration for everyone.

I always feel ill be laughed at when I talk about how kind my husband is. I'm not sure if people think its a very manly trait.
I married him this summer after 7 glorious years together and in my vows I talked about his kind heart.
When I say kind, I don't just mean to me. I mean he is kind to everyone. He's just so bloody lovely. Genuinely so. He puts out egg cups of sugar water to feed the bee that was dying in our porch. He constantly clears our house out of stuff we don't need to take to the kids at his school who need it. I'm pretty sure we've kept one family in coats year in year out!
He took bird seed to feed the birds and geese in the local waterways this year when it snowed and we noticed how hungry they were on our walk. Off he went to Asda and purchased 10kg of feed.
He's just, well, bloody lovely. And not for show. It's heart felt. And I'm the luckiest woman alive (plus, I also want to rip his clothes off, so it's a win for me!).

Kindness is definitely important but other things are too. You mention looks fade but I do think attraction is important, as is someone that communicates well, shared values etc. I think the person you end up with should tick all your boxes.

Competent every time for me.

Luckily DH is both this and kind, but his ability to do anything and everything makes family life so much better in every way.

100% agree OP!

I stupidly went for funny and exciting.

Divorced

Yes, quiet, non-performative kindness is absolutely critical. How do they treat you when you are poorly? should be the first question you ask yourself when considering the longevity of a relationship.

Very curious to know what sort of people voted no. Perhaps the ones who act unkind to their spouses?

Kindness is one thing that matters. It's not the only thing that matters.

I also think kindness is quite a subjective thing in terms of what it means. Not everyone's idea of 'kind' is the same, in my experience.

I was telling my daughter this recently, so agree wholeheartedly.

I've pointed her to the people (men especially) around us that are quietly and genuinely kind, as an example of what to look for.

I wish that I'd understood this, but then it's easy to ignore or explain away red flags when you're in love.

Rather like @IfHeWantedToHeWould I did, and for 25 years he was incredibly kind both in little ways and bigger gestures - well maybe 24 years - because in the end he had a complete change of personality, had an affair and I honestly no longer recognise who he is - and neither do many of his friends. So yes kind is important but its not some kind of guarantee.

I agree. I married a very kind man who has never been anything but wonderful. He’s been an amazing role model to our sons of how to be a good man.

Nnng. I'm not sure about this. One person's "kind" is another person's doormat. I looked for a good work ethic, consideration, *loyalty and respect. I didn't want someone who couldn't say no when asked for a favour, for example (having spent years learning not to be that person myself). But I also wanted things like a shared sense of humour and shared values and all sorts of other things that are hard to articulate. And none of these things would be worth marrying for without fancying the pants off the relevant person anyway.

I know what you mean, OP, but I think it can be interpreted as meaning people should settle for something that's really only a means of narrowing the pool, if that makes sense.

(edt because I'd forgotten loyalty which is incredibly important to me)

I agree totally, OP. The older I get, the more I value the old fashioned virtues in others: kindness, loyalty, honesty, decency, generosity, etc etc

That's quite an odd interpretation and, ironically, quite an unkind interpretation.

More likely it's people who don't think it's 'above all' the most important thing. I'm sure pretty much everyone appreciates kindness in a partner. But kindness might not be the single most important thing to them. Maybe some people can put up with someone being a bit thoughtless or snappy now and again, but can't put up with a partner who (for example) has zero sense of humour. That's understandable, no?

My partner is very kind, and it's one of the main things that attracted me to him. After 22 years I still value his kindness every day. But it's not the only thing I need in a relationship. I value the fact that he's funny, clever, interesting and absolutely filthy in bed just as much as I value his kindness.

Also, like I said in my other post, the concept of kindness is quite subjective. My partner and I, and also my family, are definitely what I would call kind to each other. But I've also given examples on Mumsnet before of the sorts of things we joke about and affectionately tease each other about, and some people have immediately told me that we must be very unkind if we find those sorts of things funny!

Agree 10000%. On our first date the way he treated wait staff/left decent tips immediately made me think he might be a keeper.