To think that above all, you should marry someone kind?

[KindnessIsQuiet]

I’ve attended a couple of weddings this summer and if I’ve taken one thing away, it’s this: kindness is so underrated. The big gestures are nice, sure. But it’s the small, consistent kindness, how someone speaks to you when no one’s watching, how they support you when you’re tired or struggling, how they treat people they don’t need to impress, that really matters.

Looks fade. Status shifts. Life throws curveballs. But kindness? That stays steady. Or at least it should.

Anyone else feel like kindness doesn’t get talked about enough when we talk about love and marriage?

Yes this is VERY important.

Kind to you, of course, but also kind to people who aren't a woman he fancies - and especially those where being kind to them doesn't benefit him.

I will add that being gentle often goes hand in hand with kindness. I never understand women who want a man who can protect them in a fight. I don't want men to pride themselves on strength and aggression anywhere near me,

It's funny, I always see "be kind" ridiculed on MN, and I always think that instead of encouraging women not to be kind, we should be socialising boys and men to be much more kind.

That’s exactly how I feel @SoSoPredictable. I don’t recognise him anymore.

How do you deal with someone who looks like the person you love but isn’t anymore?

He was kind. Until he wasn’t.

Kindness (or a lack of cruelty) is important, but it could tip over into being 'wet', spineless, people-pleasing, and unable to say no.

It has to be combined with respect - for other people and for themselves.

Late last year, my daughter and I randomly bumped into a chap I knew initially from working with him 40 years ago, hadn't seen since him she was a baby due to moving. Afterwards she said she liked him he was kind. And that led to us talking about kindness being a key requisite for good friend/partner/boyfriend etc. She and I then discussed how we could gauge 'kindness' and how we could tell someone was kind, and what factors influenced this. We then found that a factor in common was having kind parents particularly kind mother, and we ran through everyone we could think of to find this seemed to be true for almost every person we named on the (2 hour) journey home (dozens and dozens).

Kindness
Looks/attractiveness (to YOU)
Sexual compatibility
Common interests
Career / financial security

In that order, for me.

This is an excellent point. My ex was lovely to me to start with. Quite soon I noticed he wasn't so nice to others. I should have ditched him then and avoided years of abuse and misery.

YANBU
looking back all the fit, hot & great shags I had were definitely NOT husband material.

My DH is deeply kind, empathetic and compassionate. In nearly 20 years he has never made me feel insecure, lonely or unsure.

However, he is not "nice". He is an introvert. He rarely smiles. He's actively anti hugs (apart from our DC).

People very often confuse the two. I am very lucky.

I think trustworthiness would be top of my list.

Give me a thief than a liar, anyday.

I’d take self aware as a top trait. ‘Kind’ men often leave because they aren’t even aware of their own needs. These are the ‘he left after 20 years sorts’. Sharing similar values is important and kindness is one of them. I’ve known plenty of ‘kind’ men who also feckless and workshy.

Yes, kind needs to exist in combination with other qualities — cleverness and intellectual curiosity is fully as important as kindness for me.

Wow. I'm really pleased for u all OP. Sounds wonderful 😊

I had a relationship with someone who was kind. I didn't want to rip his clothes off- don't think that's me to be honest, but the sex was good. I think sometimes we appreciate kindness but it does not always follow that we are sexually attracted to someone. I often say the ideal partner is a male equivalent of my female friends who im attracted to- the search will resume

happened to me too-total headfuck. so sorry.

How do you deal with it? I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it. He’s changed the course of my life.

Kind and rich. Perfect combo.

Make sure it is you noticing they are kind though, not a self confessed "nice guy". Consistent kindness, when no one is watching, always gets my vote.

A thief is a liar.

See, I'm just happy with my female friends!
I can't see any men who come close for brains, humour, thoughtfulness, support, understanding or general zest for life. Men I meet either want a mum they can bang or a nurse with a purse and their idea of fun is watching football for hours, playing with cars or computer games, fishing or wearing lycra pissing off every driver in a 30mile radius. My female friends read books, travel, have hobbies that usually involve creating things for others...it's just a different league.

I think past 30 it's such slim pickings and there's a reason a lot are still on the shelf. I'd rather just not have the drama!

I couldn't agree more, it was high up on my priority list. Little gestures count. I think what made me realise my DH was a keeper was early on when we were dating, I'd briefly mentioned my favourite wine was Chateau Musar in conversation. He quietly stored that info, so when Christmas came around he had bought me a bottle of it from my birth year 1991. When I went on a weekend away with my sisters he called the hotel and had champagne sent up to our room. Even now if he is popping in the shop on the way home he will bring back a pot of my favourite olives or some little treat unprompted.

Yep, 9 years in and suddenly he wasn’t the lovely kind chap I thought he always would be.
He had an affair, monkey branched me. I took him back at his request, I might add. He was so sorry.

Soldiered on for 2 more years but he did it again. This time he wasn’t at all kind, he was totally spiteful. 💔

Are you absolutely sure he didn’t have a stroke or some other neurological disorder that can cause changes in personality. I know someone whose husband fell and banged his head and ended up with a brain injury. He recovered physically but his personality completely changed and she ended up divorcing him.

I do agree that kindness is important. We’ve been married 35 years, I had cataract surgery this week and he’s been looking after me wonderfully.

Kind, funny, interested in the world and hot. My dh is dead soppy and I love hom for it. Not a bone of toxic masculinity in his body.

When my DD was a little girl I told her to marry a kind person. Who would be her supporter.