MIL drama

[HandW123]

My MIL is really unwell mentally, she’s a hoarder and my husbands childhood sounds verbally abusive/neglectful etc. After 5-6 years of knowing her I believe she probably has a personality disorder and is a narcissist. For context, her house is not just a bit cluttered. It’s genuinely unsafe, unhygienic and being around her anywhere causes a lot of stress to both me and my husband (and probably her). When she visits us at our house, she sits down and does nothing to help, when we visit her at her house (which is 4 hours away) it’s exactly the same. We end up shopping, cooking, cleaning and most times have to clean 2-3 rooms to even be able to make a cup of tea etc.
I used to put up with it all for him because he was desperate to maintain a relationship with his mum, and this is something I really respect about my husband. However, it all changed when I got pregnant, suddenly I realised how she was going impact my child unless she made some changes to her lifestyle. Since my son was born (3 months old), she has visited twice, and has been very strange around him and has not been supportive to us. For example, we were still waiting hand and foot on her when my son was only 2 weeks old, she didn’t even make a cup of tea. She doesn’t dote on him like a normal grandmother, and has ignored pictures of him that we have both sent to her etc. During pregnancy, I stopped joining him on visits to her house and I have told my husband I will not be going back to staying in her home as I feel it’s totally inappropriate with a baby/child as it is so dirty and it’s a fire risk. When we discuss her visiting, it is so tense because my husband can feel my animosity towards her immediately and I get frustrated with his delusion every time. He is so hopeful that each visit will be different and it never is. Each time we see her she causes stress, can say hurtful things towards my husband and I’m left with an emotionally stressed and exhausted man for weeks after she’s gone. He works really hard all year and so I want him to enjoy his holidays stress free and equally want to support him if he chooses to spend his holidays around her. The topic of Christmas is always tricky and now I feel with my son, we will get maybe 10 magical childish Christmases and I don’t want them to be filled with stress because of her. The difficulty is that my mum and family are very supportive, helpful and are absolutely besotted with my son so my partner often gets jealous.
This year we are spending Christmas with my family and he would like his mother to visit us Boxing Day - I tried to remind him how stressed he gets and that this is a very special time of year but he says he still wants her to come. When I asked if she has asked to come or attempted to make plans, he said she hasn’t. I genuinely believe she is indifferent to when she sees us over the holidays, and sometimes I think we are just putting unrealistic pressure on her forcing her to participate in christmas and NYE when she honestly doesn’t really want to, she never seems upset or hurt when she has no plans (I honestly think she prefers it).
I have no idea how to navigate this going forward - not just Christmas, all conversations about her, all visits. It’s got to the point where I cannot stand her, i’m shocked at my strong dislike for her, when she holds my
baby, my skin crawls and I want to cry. It’s like all of my mother instincts are telling me to get away from this person but she’s obviously staying in my life so how do I deal with this going forward?

I refused when the baby was 2 weeks old and she stayed in a hotel. But by the second visit the dog came again too.

The baby is on the floor a lot more now he’s 3 months so perhaps I will bring this issue up again and ask that the dog doesn’t come.

oh and although she stayed in a hotel - she visited each day for 8 hours with the dog so it was completely counter productive.
my husband communicated how we felt but she just turned up with the dog at the door and then we are left in a situation where we would have to turn her away and my husband won’t do that, she knows he won’t do that, so this is what I mean, she doesn’t respect our boundaries or wishes

100% agree with this. His behaviour around his mum is always unhealthy- he’ll always drink more etc - tbh we both used to just to get through visits but obviously during my pregnancy and since the baby was born I do not drink and so the last few visits I have asked him not to get drunk and leave me to host - he has respected this but obviously it leads to a harder aftermath as he is sadder since the blinkers are off if you get what I mean

I think your DH needs to have a few more sessions of therapy/counselling now that you have a child and he's seeing things differently. Also maybe one session that you both go to, to help you both find a way to manage visits.

Does your husband have siblings? How close do you live to MIL?

Distance and letting siblings share the burden was how we dealt with a similar situation.

My mother in law was like this too (except that her house was always clean). I had to listen to horrible comments, she was selfish in the extreme and she had favourite children with my husband being firmly in the position of least favourite. His childhood was very sad.

We let her go to her other children for Christmas, luckily we lived 6 hours away so visits were infrequent. I (and the other daughters in law) almost never visited because we decided that we weren't going to put up with the rude comments and bad behaviour. In fact of all the daughters in law I visited most, maybe once a year. Husband visited more often than me of course.

My husband knew what she was like but deep down he couldn't accept how bad his mother was and wanted to have a relationship with her, despite her faults. I kept out of their relationship and didn't make any negative comments about her.

I stopped challenging her (before I made the decision to cut down drastically on visits) because it's pointless. You will never win and she loves the drama.

My MIL had no interest in my children, I think because she didn't like anyone taking attention from her. We did the bare minimum in that regard. Forcing the issue is pointless so they would visit with their Dad very occasionally and we'd have that box ticked to cover ourselves.

I hope you can find some strategies to help you. Your husband being willing to go to therapy is huge! I hope he is in a position to revisit this in the future. Mine refuses to go.

Yanbu.
Unfortunately your husband is one of those men that wants to use his wife as a crutch in his dysfunctional relationship with his mother.

Not your problem.
I too think you need to be very firm with your husband.
You have made a mistake marrying such a man and having a child with him, but you are where you are.
It is NOT your job to facilitate his relationship with his mother, nor to feel the backlash of it.

Your priority is your child and your family.
Be very clear on this going forward with him.
You will not be going near that filthy house and neither will your child.
She visits without her dog, max two days.
Your husband acts as skivvy to her, not you.

Your husband sounds selfish and self absorbed.
More concerned with his mother than his post partum wife.
Nib that in the bud.
Men love to dump responsibility for their family on their wives.
Sensible wives do not tolerate it.

As for Christmas go to your family and tell him he is welcome to go stay with his mother.
The Santa years fly, I wouldn't waste them in a dysfunctional set up.
He can have Christmas with his mother and bring her back to stay in your home for 2 days, where he plays host.

Do not allow resentment destroy your relationship.
Take control.

Why does she have to come to your house? Can you not meet her somewhere else? Maybe somewhere more neutral would be easier, with a time control aspect as well.

Make it easy for you @HandW123 . Just state that no dogs are allowed in your house. Since she can't separate from her dog then she can't come.

I think you have been very understanding but now you're a mother and you need to have some boundaries in place. She's bringing so much stress to the table that I would refuse to have her in my home. You need your force for your baby. Dh can see her outside if he wants but I wouldn't let this abusive woman near my child.

I would suggest she doesn't come to the house at all. Take her out for lunch, for instance.

Drive two hours towards her. She drives two hours towards you. Have lunch. Go home.

This is so helpful - thank you so much for sharing.
this sounds extremely familiar.
so my husband has one brother who is younger than him and most definitely the favourite child. She constantly talks about him to anyone that will listen - including me - so for example when most MILs share stories of their son during childhood, she will tell me stories about my BIL instead as if I’m married to him and not my husband. The favouritism is extreme and she will buy my BIL lovely gifts like a new tv and not even send my husband a card for his birthday - when she moved into this house (3 years ago) she gave her other son a bedroom and bought a bed but expected us to sleep on a blow up mattress even though both sons had left home many years before.
He lives abroad and therefore does not share the burden at all - he also has not been home for Christmas for the last 2 years (this will be his 3rd).

i also feel exactly the same about her not wanting my child to take the attention from her. If I said that out loud to most people they would think I’m crazy but you saying that is exactly what I have felt since my son was born.

my husband has gone to therapy but I do not feel it has helped as he finds it so hard, stops going and currently won’t entertain the idea. He also knows how abnormal she is but deep down cannot accept it either.

it’s all heartbreaking and very sad. Thank you for sharing though as I need to find a way to deal with it.

Exactly, wonder if all the "poor mil" posters would have same view if it was an abusive fil, who was demanding, unhygienic and fairly foul person?

OP I think you need to ban the dog from your home. If she turns up with it tell her that she is welcome to come in, but the dog stays out. Make it your red line. Make sure your DH understands beforehand that you will do this, and it is non negotiable. You can, and should, do this politely and courteously, but you absolutely must mean it and stick to it.
Your DH needs to understand that this failure to face up to what his mother is, is starting to drag you down.
You both need to be clear that you support him, but this drama must be kept out of your home, for your sake and your DC sake. It's not fair on you that this is becoming your mess to deal with. You need to be the one to create the boundaries, because your DH isn't strong enough to do it. It may feel cruel but you need to survive this, and your DC need to be kept totally away from it. Your front door is your boundary. Your DH needs to understand that he is denying you a safe space (because he never had one, he is recreating what he has always known).

Does she also spend his inheritance on taxis to come and visit you?

I think you need to enforce some boundaries. The dog not being allowed to come for one. Shorter visits. Your husband needs to see to his mother’s needs - not you. He can’t be relying on you to help his relationship along with his mother. That’s on him. Also if she holds her cup out to you be blunt. ‘Marge I’m really busy at the moment. Do help yourself to some tea’.

You need to give him space and time. If he wants her to visit boxing day you can't say no.

I can relate to your husband as my family was abusive and the wish to maintain a relationship and be loved and approved was strong in me. I think it will be very hard for your husband to see the difference between what normal is (the life of your son) vs what he had. It was for me. And it might trigger some sort of mental health breakdown especially around certain kids ages.

You can’t really help him smooth things over. If the MIL is as you describe her it’s best for you to keep away and shield your child. Let him visit her. When she comes be civil but keep away as much as possible, in fact I would strongly suggest he goes to her without any children. The more you shield him the longer he can sustain his illusions that it isn’t so bad. What you can do is listen to him and support him when he needs to unburden. However I would draw firm boundaries with her and the child. She abused your DH she shouldn’t have the chance to continue the cycle with your child. So your job is to support DH but not facilitate the destructive relationship he has with his mum. Be firm and hold the line. It might be hard to begin with but in my experience it’s the only way.

This.

😂😂

I would never sleep there, I would have insisted on hotel or air bnb when visiting.
you do wait on her, you can say ‘Sandra I’ve got my hands full with baby help yourself to cups of tea’ although even when my baby was a couple of weeks old I made tea for visitors while they held baby usually (including ex mil and ex /baby father who both made my skin crawl)